[MISSION] Of Uncanonical Relatives and Law-Abiding Citizens
- The Formless Narrator
- Nov 12, 2022
- 5 min read
Fáelán and Sheen tackle another Sue claiming to be Legolas's sister.
The fic, titled "Legolina Princess of Mirkwood", belongs to Clarissa1 and they're welcome to keep or do anything with it.
The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.
It was a sunny afternoon in late autumn, the sun was shinning down through the trees of Mirkwood. Princess Legolina was sharpening her knife in her secret place, […]
Sunlight filtered through layers upon layers of dense leaves, letting just tiny slivers into Mirkwood's year-round darkness. Unbeknownst to the Sue, she was being closely watched by two fairies disguised as wood elves. The notebook in Sheen's hands already bore the angry scribblings unnecessary uncanonical relative, also invalid name again, but the Sue proceeded to sharpen her knife for the next uneventful hours without causing anything else noteworthy, thus Fáelán started talking just to ward off boredom.
"Hearts-what?" Sheen asked, puzzled by his partner's words.
"Heartslabyul, aitch-ee-ey-arr-tee-ess-ell-ey-bee-why-you-ell. It's a dorm at my school, and I think you'd fit right in there," Fáelán explained. "It's just the dorm for law-abiding citizens; everyone in there is expected to follow all the ancient laws laid down by the Queen of Hearts, even the weird ones. Ones like 'always have a tea party on the 5th of each month' or 'always dress in pink when feeding flamingoes'. Failing to follow them gets you 'beheaded' by the dorm head. It's a funny place."
"We have no time for pointless chit-chat," Sheen interrupted in his posh accent. "Let's not forget our duty: to keep a close eye on the Sue at all times. We're not on a picnic; we must follow orders and complete objectives, and allow no distractions. You don't want us to get fired, do you?"
"Yep, Heartslabyul it is," Fáelán said.
This time her father had yelled at her for asking if she could go with Legolas on his journey to Rivendell. Princess Legolina had a very short temper and was very tall so when she got angry she looked like a furious troll.
After his previous mission with Helena, Fáelán figured he should go with Sheen next until the tension between the Pixie Hollow fairies subsided. Alas, his decision couldn't have been worse; Sheen turned out to be about as insufferable as Helena. Before the dust-talent could run his mouth any longer about the vital importance of adhering to rules, the Legolas's-sister Sue was revealed to also be Arwen's cousin, causing Sheen's wrist to work furiously.
"Messing… up… canonical… family relations," he said while writing at a dizzying speed. "See, I almost missed this important detail thanks to your distracting me. We could have gotten reprimanded or worse for missing a major charge! Now keep your mouth shut and focus for the love of cottonpuff, don't make us lose our job."
"Whatever, Mister Fussy-pants," Fáelán quipped.
Within a dialogue with no paragraph breaks between different speakers, Legolas showed up and the Sue whined at him to let her go to Rivendell; this led Sheen to press another charge for being an annoying woman-child. One portal later, the agents found themselves by the Anduin watching the Sue's tedious journey. They quickly regretted standing too close to the water – Legolas, yes, Legolas raised the tide, causing an explosive wave that doused the agents from head to toe and flung a few fish on them for good measure. Sheen was in the middle of charging for giving Legolas the ability to raise Anduin tides and having Arwen do so in her youth just to play with her "cousins" when the notebook became drenched, turning the writing into a running black-and-blue mess.
As the Words relayed a journey that was both hideously compressed and banally dragging, the agents had to camp out for the night, start a fire and dry themselves. "No, I'm not eating that. Pixie Hollow fairies are incapable of eating such things," Sheen declined when Fáelán offered him freshly grilled fish. "If you have any poppy seed scones by chance, I'll gladly have one."
Fáelán rolled his eyes. He then dug into his dinner, inwardly bemoaning the lack of seasoning. Crackling fire, rustling wind, wolves howling from afar; it was oddly peaceful, so much so that Fáelán forgot the need to watch his mouth around his uptight partner. Full and warm, he started talking as if in a jolly campfire night.
"You know, now that I don't go to that school anymore, I'm starting to miss it in a way. It's actually pretty fun to mentally sort everyone into dorms. On the one hand, I think all elves would be in Diasomnia since they're shockingly similar to us fairies, but on the other hand, each tribe of elves has something that makes them fit in other dorms. Rivendell elves should probably be in Octavinelle, while Mirkwood ones probably go in Savanaclaw – not Thranduil though, I think he's either Diasomnia or Scarabia. I'm not sure where hobbits should go though…"
"Middle-earth is Middle-earth, your world is your world. Each universe follows its own rules; you can't apply one world's standards to another. What would our higher-ups say if they found us committing the common badfic offence of shoehorning universes together?" Sheen interrupted again. "Besides, I still have trouble with the fact you dropped out of school."
Fáelán's pleasant mood had gone, and he had had it. He spat, "Honestly, you're the least fun person I've ever had the misfortune to talk to."
Sheen was equally irked, and his voice raised. "Pardon me since apparently not wanting to be outcast makes me not fun enough for your tastes. This is why I don't understand Mary Sues – what point is there being an outlaw of your entire universe? Rules and laws are there for a reason, and breaking them can only end badly; whatever team, house, land, world you're in have no obligation to accept or forgive you. It's your responsibility to follow whatever terms they set out, and it's no one's fault but yours if you're fired, banned, disowned, exiled, ostracised. Either you do what they say or they kick you out; it really is that simple."
Fáelán looked at him for a while, then looked down at the wood burning to black then to white. Finally he said, "Look, I understand not wanting to be an outcast, but fussing about rules all the time is hardly enjoyable or normal. I'm not a delinquent smashing windows and spraying paint everywhere, but I'm pretty sure people aren't going to die or turn into hulking Sue-beasts if they don't wear white to feed rabbits, or if they compare Middle-earth elves to Briar Valley fae-folk. That's how normal people live, and that's the ideal life I want."
"You are a deeply confusing person," Sheen commented.
"So are you," Fáelán answered before the two went to sleep.
"Princess Legolina of Mirkwood, you're under arrest for crimes against fanfiction and Tolkien canon. Charges against you include having an invalid name again; being an unnecessary uncanonical relative; messing up other people's family relations, namely turning Glorfindel into Arwen's brother and Arwen into Legolas's cousin; misrepresenting Middle-earth geography; giving Legolas the ability to raise Anduin tides and making Arwen do so just for kicks; having no concept of dialogue formatting; creating an unbearably boring narrative; being a deeply annoying character; and being a Mary Sue. For the aforementioned crimes, you're being executed. Now for the love of me, Sheen, will you shut your mouth, or do I have to knock all your teeth off?"
Fáelán was ticked off to his bones throughout the procedure – beaning the Sue with a random rock, reading charges, portalling her into Mount Doom lava, neuralyzing Legolas and Glorfindel. Sheen was extra irritating after they woke up that morning, never shutting up about the night they spent distracted from the fic and how they would get in serious trouble with their superiors for negligence of duty ("Or worse, fired!"). Missioning with two aggravating partners in a row, Fáelán had to muster incredible willpower not to punch a hole in the nearest surface.
Now sitting exhausted on the floor of RC ∞, he watched his partners arguing again. Good thing I'm the least nutty one on this team.
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