Mission canon(s): Harry Potter
As more bizarre things happen to Harry, the agents are in for more craziness.
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: Twu Wuv between a teenage student and his abusive teacher. The writer of this post does not endorse the contents and views of the work of fiction being parodied in it.
Disclaimers are the same as in the previous parts.
The following text is a work of parodic/satirical literary analysis.
Love and Kisses
Just as its title implied, the chapter opened on Harry’s giving Snape a huge hug in all his OOC glory. "Harry there is something that I have to...um...tell you" Snape said. He sat down in a green chair. "well Harry...I was wondering before I tell you would you like a drink of anything?"
Harry nodded and smiled as he watched Snape head towards his Bar
… as in an actual drinks counter with stools in front and a cabinet full of bottles in the back. Carlisle scowled, while Émilie and Fáelán stared blankly, not knowing what to make of the sight of the greasy, grumpy old professor in bartender’s clothing, complete with an apron.
“This is just ridiculous,” Carlisle said. “Snape doesn’t have a bar, nor should he. He’s a teacher at a school for eleven-seventeen-year-olds! Hogwarts doesn’t have nor need a bar!”
"Eh, my school has a student-run café on campus," Fáelán said. "I'd like to see this guy in a black tie suit working in Mostro Lounge."
“Yes, but that’s a college. This is the equivalent of a high school or middle school.”
“It’s a high school,” Fáelán corrected. “and the place is a café rather than a bar.”
“Wow. If my old school were built in an old medieval castle or had a café on campus, I would’ve been a much, much better student,” Émilie commented.
hiding the vial of truth serum he poured it in a cup and walked over to Harry sitting down he handed the cup that held half the potion to Harry and watched him drink it before he drunk his own cup of truth serum.
“More to the point, is he drugging his student without his knowledge?” Fáelán asked. “That can’t be good.”
“Well, Snape does threaten to give it to Harry in the fourth book,” Carlisle said. “But Veritaserum’s use is in fact not permitted in Hogwarts. It’s a very complex and highly regulated potion, and its use here is greatly trivialized.”
“Whatever it is, drugging your student like this is wrong,” Fáelán said as he wrote, the handwriting much more rushed and messier than before. “My potion teacher is demanding, carries around a crop and considers students no better than dogs, but he knows better than to make them drink weird stuff without their knowledge!”
“A teacher who carries a dangerous implement around and treats students like dogs is allowed to remain on staff?” Émilie asked. “I wonder what grounds you have to criticize this school and its teachers.”
“Don’t dwell on it,” Carlisle said.
"Harry do you really want me to help you with your flying?" Snape asked.
"Yep and I want you to help me with some other stuff as well" Harry said, under the Veritaserum’s influence.
“I really don’t like the sound of this,” Émilie said.
"well Harry there is something I wan to tell you...I Love You Harry and I am in Love with my Godson Draco"
“WHAT?!” Carlisle said. “No! No! Snape is NOT Draco’s godfather! And this is just . . . ugh!”
Fáelán grew even more confused. "Haven’t we heard this name before? If I remember correctly, Harry is in love with this Draco person, and now Snape loves him as well?"
"So…" Émilie scrunched up her face in confusion. "… this is some kind of three-way love triangle?"
Before anyone could say anything else, Draco stood out side of Snape's rooms and grinned. He thought, One of the two men I love love's me but what about the other?
Fáelán put a hand over Émilie’s eyes, while Carlisle put a hand over her mouth at the sight of Draco’s slasher grin. She brushed their hands away – and just as quickly put them back.
Snape looked at Harry and grinned "so do you love Draco or Just me?"
“You know, that really is rather traumatizing,” Fáelán said as Snape revealed yet another slasher grin. “And I’ve seen an Overblot.”
The spectacle soon paled in comparison to what came next: Snape’s giving Harry a deep passionate kiss (“At least it’s not ‘passive’,” Carlisle interjected) while still grinning ear to ear. The feat of facial contortion was not something easy to forget. The male agents made sure to block the entire sight from Émilie, including the appearance of Malloy the mini when Draco barged into the room. Then came one more banal exchange of love confessions from the three OOC canons and a ludicrously short author’s note, and the chapter finally ended.
Love and Kisses PRT 2
There was some badly-spelled flirting between Snape and Draco before Harry informed the others that he had to go somewhere but I'll be back
He told Snape and Draco that "you did nothing wrong neither did you Severus I just need some time alone that is all"
Harry walked out of the portrait and headed towards the Gryffindor common room. Muttering the password to the Fat Lady he headed up the stairs in hopes to find Ron or Hermione, and he found them in the boys’ dorm.
"This almost reminds me of the time two goddess-Sues forced themselves into my all-boy school,” Fáelán said.
“I don’t want to know, do I?” Émilie said.
"No, there was no sexualized creepiness involved. They merely claimed to be related to the headmaster and got admission solely on that basis."
“That's somehow worse," Carlisle said, before the badfic interrupted him.
"...We should make a plan for getting rid of Harry when he defeats the Dark Lord"
“WHAT?!” Carlisle’s face was bright red. “Why would either of them want to ‘get rid of him’? He’s their best friend! Ron-bashing is one thing, but turning Hermione evil is another.”
Hermione leaned against him smiling
Her smile was a very twisted thing, of the sort a supervillain might make.
Émilie slowly backed away, hyperventilating.
"So once he Defeats the dark lord we either kill him or wipe his memory and hide him somewhere and tell the public that Harry had died during the final battle and we both killed the dark lord to try and save his life." Hermione said.
Carlisle scowled. “Fáelán, add a charge for making Ron and Hermione randomly evil.”
While Fáelán wrote, Harry eavesdropped on the OOC conversation and he couldn't believe what he was hearing they were just admitting that they were going to try and kill him.
“There is a lot going on in this story,” Fáelán said. “Harry gets turned into a half-vampire, he’s in a love triangle with a teacher and someone else while also pursued by a Stu, and his friends randomly plot to kill him. This has got to be one of the most confusing badfics I’ve ever read.”
“Compared to this, being forced to be the sister of a Mary Sue who fell in love with a rat was nothing,” Émilie said, having calmed down slightly.
“It’s only downhill from here,” Carlisle said.
Snapping out of his daze he ran all the way down towards the dungeon. throughing open the door he walked in finding only Draco in the room.
The agents were treated to the unpleasant sight of Harry opening the door whilst also going through it. After that came an even more unpleasant sight: Harry told his problem to an extremely OOC Draco, who climbed on to his lap and promised to "make sure that you forget what happened today just for a little while"
Unlike what you, gentle reader, may have expected, his way of going about it in no way involved the Memory Charm, nor did it involve therapy. A rain of backslashes appeared from overhead; Carlisle glanced up at the Words, shuddered, and hastily opened a portal to the next chapter so that the agents could skip whatever badly-spelt horrors lay within the backslashes. There was no need to actually witness the "LEMON SCENE".
Discovery
When the agents got out of the portal, Harry informed Snape of Ron and Hermione’s plans, and they both went to Dumbledores office to relay the information. Thanks to the lack of apostrophe, the agents had to push their way through a crowd of confused old men in order to witness said scene.
The main Dumbledore looked at Harry the twinkle in his eyes had dimmend a bit. "What are they planning"
"Ron and Hermione are planning on either killing me or wiping my memory of the final Battle and my whole life and hiding me away from everyone" Harry said.
Dumbledore told Harry that he should, "please go get the two and bring them here please"
“Why would he tell Harry to fetch people who want to kill him?” Émilie asked. “Is this guy canonically this incompetent?”
“No, he certainly isn’t,” Carlisle said. “but for some reason, making him out to be more incompetent and morally unsound than he actually is is just the favorite pastime of badfics in this canon.”
Harry stood up and headed towards the door, weaving his way through the Dumbledore clones. "Yes Professor"
Carlisle sighed. “Dumbledore is the headmaster, not just a professor.”
Draco imdietly stood up 'wait what if they get him when their talking to him. I'll go with him"
“They end up going to the Gryffindor boys’ dorm,” Carlisle said. “I suggest we portal there.”
“As long as these guys don’t follow us,” Fáelán said, jumping over a clone that had just fallen over.
The agents caught up with Harry and Draco while they were heading up towards the Boys dorm they opened the door and looked in to find the two lying on the bed.
"Ron and Hermione we are to take you up to see Professor Dumbledore"
"why would he be wanting to see us for?" they asked in perfect unison.
"we do not know" Harry and Draco said together.
“This is creepy,” Émilie said. “Why is everyone talking like that?”
“I’ll note this as ‘making characters speak at the same time’,” Fáelán said.
Snape was standing outside of Dumbledore's office. "Potter and Draco you have to come with me. you to the minister and Professor Dumbledore are waiting for you"
Thanks to the confusing dialogue, Ron and Hermione awkwardly stopped there.
“Let’s neuralyze them now,” Fáelán said. “I don’t think they show up after this.”
“Do what now?” asked Émilie.
“Did they really not cover this?” Carlisle asked incredulously. When Émilie just shrugged her shoulders, he continued. “This,” he held up a small white cylinder. “is a neuralyzer. It’s an object from the Men In Black franchise used to erase canons’ memories of badfics. You just click this button, and it emits a memory-erasing flash of white light. To avoid being affected ourselves, we wear sunglasses.”
“Okay,” Émilie said. “Can I do it?”
“I . . . suppose,” Carlisle allowed. He handed her the neuralyzer and a pair of sunglasses. “Just don’t erase any memories that we need to keep.”
Émilie nodded and walked up to the Ron and Hermione, activating the neuralyzer. “None of this ever happened. You don’t hate Harry, and he’s not in a relationship with either Snape or Draco. And, um . . . you never saw us.”
“That works,” Fáelán said.
“Hello,” said Carlisle to the canons. “We’re . . . here from the Ministry. Now, if you two will just return to your dorms, everything will be fine.”
Watching Ron and Hermione depart, Fáelán asked, “So . . . now what?”
“I suppose we portal to the dungeons,” Carlisle said resignedly.
***
Snape took Harry and Draco down into the dungeons were they met Billy
Once again, the dungeons were an uncomfortable freezing temperature.
“Wh-why do w-we have t-to g-g-go here again?” Émilie complained. She was already cold.
"What are you doing here i thought you had left?" Since there was no clear attribution to this line, Billy and all three of the canons said it simultaneously.
“S-so creepy,” Émilie commented.
Billy looked at Draco then his eyes glided over to Harry
The Stu’s eyes popped out of his head and floated over to Harry. Émilie had to hold in a scream.
"I've come to tell you what Harry is"
Harry asked the obvious question. "what am i?"
The agents waited with baited breath.
"a Gren Tre "
Harry suddenly changed so as to resemble a short, entirely green, treelike being.
The agents could only blankly stare, mouths falling agape in precise sync. “Did he just . . .” Émilie blinked, no longer so cold. “Turn himself into a tree, but with two less e’s?”
Carlisle looked positively irate. “This is just inane!”
“There are Ents in this universe?” Fáelán asked incredulously. “But whatever he is, when will he stop spontaneously turning into random creatures? That’s definitely not good for his overall well-being.”
Harry looked at him "what is that?"
“Stupid!” Carlisle yelled. “It’s a stupid Stu-Species!”
“Shh!” Émilie whispered. “They could hear us!”
Carlisle rolled his eyes, but didn’t respond.
"there is only one known Gren Tre alive that is me. when I touched you it qwoke something that was lieing dorment inside of you." "oh...But what dose it do?"
“Why are they talking about quantities of drugs to take?” Carlisle sighed. “The last thing we need is more drugging.”
"He's permanently changed into a hulking Stu-beast by some creepy guy, forced to have a mate, gets drugged by his teacher, has his friends planning to kill him behind his back, and then turned into a different kind of creature for good measure. No way he can live a normal life after all this," Fáelán commented. "I know squat about this canon, but I feel sorry for him."
"you are a very powerful being now HArry just be careful from now on. I have to leave now so I bid you farewell"
“Good riddance!” Fáelán said.
“Unfortunately,” Carlisle said, scanning the Words. “he does reappear later. Once he does, we’ll put him out of his misery.”
Truth and doubt
Harry sat in the Hogwarts library looking through books searching through the books trying o find at least a short paragraph of what a Gren Tre was.
“You’re not the only one,” Fáelán muttered.
The three agents were in the library as well, pretending to look through other books, though they were keeping an eye on Harry.
Looking through a very old book that looked like it was at least a thousand years old he came across a heading and jumped with glee
Harry looked as though he was a puppet being held up by strings as he jerked around.
“Should this concern us?” Émilie asked. “I don’t think that reaction looks quite right.”
Harry’s book read,
Gren Tre What are they? Gren Tre a very old creatures they were supposedly lived in the earth till a earthquake that happened in the prehistoric time awoke them driving them to the surface to feed. They are similar to gods Very powerful they have two mates. most will never find both mates but some will. a Gren Tre is able to get pregnant as these creature are so rare we do not have any information on/the Mating or the pregnancy In existence there have been at least 100 Gren Tres alive.
“Is this a poem?” Carlisle inhaled slowly. “A poem about this Stu-species!?” His face was getting quite red.
“The depths of this fic’s insanity. . .”
“The poem’s not even internally consistent,” Fáelán said. “How does it know that Gren Tres can have multiple mates, yet not have any information about the mating? Those two lines are contradictory!”
“Does this mean that we’ll have to kill a godlike being?” Émilie wrung her hands. “How powerful is ‘very powerful’?”
“Hopefully not ‘more powerful than Malleus Draconia’ powerful,” Fáelán replied. “Having two such Suvians in my school at the same time was more than enough.”
Harry stood up unknown to him that he was watched by a young boy who was very jealous and wanted no more then to tear out Harry's heart and feed it to the giant squid.
“That’s our cue,” Carlisle said. “Autobots, roll out!”
The other two agents just stared at him blankly.
“Never mind,” he said. “that was Billy’s last appearance, so we can get rid of him now and be done with it.”
“Oh,” Émilie said.
Carlisle walked over to Billy. “Billy Simpson, also known as Gary Stu, you are charged with the following crimes: creating an uncanonical Suvian species, namely ‘Gren Tre’ and turning Harry into one in order to force him to mate; turning a character who canonically shows attraction to the opposite sex gay; turning Ron and Hermione evil; making Ginny a Token Homophobic Jerk; creating minis; wanton cruelty to language; having a nonsensical and logic-free plot; making “Gren Tres” ridiculously overpowered, and yet not doing anything with this; turning Snape into a bartender; giving Snape an intern; sexually assaulting Harry; annoying the agents; and being a Gary Stu!”
“I hate Harry!” the Stu said. “And I will destroy him, just as I’ll destroy you and anyone else who gets in my way!”
Carlisle then wasted no time killing Billy by portalling him into the Hogwarts Giant Squid’s stomach, as a touch of irony.
Billy was gone… but the agents were far from done with the mission like Carlisle thought. As if on cue, Carlisle’s modified phone beeped, announcing a text message from the Floating Hyacinth. The text message contained only eight terse, but terror-inducing words that struck all three with the force of a thousand lightnings:
Did I mention this fic has a sequel?