The truth about Harry's new species is partially revealed, and more creepiness ensues.
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: sexual assault; Twu Wuv between a teenage student and his abusive teacher.
The following text is a work of parodic/satirical literary analysis.
Relief and tears
Sporting the most irritatingly smug smirk on his face, Billy the Stu thought of Harry thusly: He's playing into my game just a couple of weeks and he will be mine.
“Creepy,” Carlisle said. “That is the word for this guy.”
The chilly air in the dungeon, accentuated by the Stu’s unsettling creepiness, seemed to seep through to the agents’ bones despite their robes. Émilie visibly shivered; at this, Fáelán did something with the magical pen in his hand, and instantly the air around the three grew a tad warmer.
Snape scowled at the Stu and told him, “DO NOT call me that again you hear me”
“Huh, that’s actually in-character for Snape,” Carlisle muttered.
Behind him, the other two didn’t seem to hear him. “Would that be in-character for Snap?” Émilie asked.
“I just said that it was! And it’s Snape, with an ‘e’.” Carlisle glared at the other agents. “Do you two ever listen to me?”
After another short bout of OOC dialogue from Snape and Harry, the former began looking through a textbook. Harry's thought – I wonder what he was thinking. He is so beautiful working like that – blared in the agents' heads, and they all were disgusted by this. They received minor consolation when Billy the Stu immediately left the room in response.
"professor" Harry whispered "why are you looking at me like that?"
“Because he’s been Stued,” Carlisle said. “Or maybe possessed.”
In a twist of irony, the temperature and creepiness grew even colder without the Stu's presence. Fáelán however couldn't keep his warming magic up. "You see, magic users in my world have a literal physical penalty to their magic," he said between shivers, showing his partners the black liquid sloshing in his magical stone. "This icky stuff called blot collects in our system every time we use magic; if we use magic too much and collect more blot than our bodies can handle… it's not pretty."
Being a fairy and fat, Fáelán fared slightly better in the creepiness-induced freezer temperature than his slim human partners – Émilie's face turned blue and Carlisle's teeth clacked. All three tried to tuck themselves as deeper into their robes as they could. “C-can we g-go s-s-somewhere else?” Émilie said. “Or g-get j-jackets or s-something?”
“As much as I'd love to," Carlisle said, his breath coming out as puffs of mist, "there's more nonsense we are required to observe.”
Snape jerked out of his trance and looked at Harry "Potter I think you should leave no.."
“Is he leaving or not?” Carlisle asked. “His eyes keep darting back and forth.”
Right then, like a blessing from above, Dumbledore appeared. His arrival turned the temperature up from freezer to refrigerator. In one of the more questionable feats of decision-making in the history of fanfiction, Dumbledore said, "Severus I was just thinking that Harry should stay with you until you can figure out just what he is and Harry I think you should still use the glamour charm until you can figure out how to hide your...uh...new features"
The lack of commas did not go unnoticed by Carlisle and Fáelán.
Snape thought, I can't believe it he knows about my...uh...crush on Harry so why id he just letting Harry stay here with me?
“Why would he do that?” Émilie asked. “Is this normal for Dumbledore?”
“No, it should not be!” Carlisle grimaced. “While Dumbledore does let Snape get away with some very questionable teaching methods in canon, I very much doubt he’d knowingly encourage teacher-student romance. Especially when Snape is old enough to be Harry's dad.”
Harry told Dumbledore, "do not worry professor for some unknown reason I already know how to hide my wings and" looking down at his hands "whatever these are I'll just call the claws"
“Is ‘for some unknown reason’ code-speak for ‘Stu powers’?” Émilie asked.
"Even if he knows how to hide those things, isn't it more important to turn him back?" Fáelán said. "He never said he wanted to turn into a monster; now he's stuck as a creature he doesn't know, with features nobody else seems to have, and his life is upside down. If somebody walked up to me and made me grow permanent wings overnight, I'd pretty much get a heart attack and die on the spot."
"You're a fairy," Émilie replied. “Aren’t wings normal for fairies?”
Fáelán looked at her as though she had grown a second head, while Carlisle said, “I believe Fáelán has a point about the unwanted bodily transformation. It’s quite cruel to Harry.”
Jarringly, the fic cut to -THAT NIGHT-; the agents had to quickly hide as the scenery changed. While the temperature shifted back to acceptable levels, the sight of Standing in the bathroom Severus looked at him self was far from palatable. Émilie slapped a hand over her eyes, hid behind the male agents, and refused to peek out.
I shouldn't feel like this.
“Yes!” Carlisle said. “Yes! You definitely should not feel attraction to minors!”
Émilie shushed him.
Just look at me Harry would never want me for what I look like
Carlisle banged his head against the wall. “Not what I meant!”
“And besides, Harry’s turned into a monster,” Émilie said. “I think that outweighs whatever lack of physical attractiveness Snape may have.”
Fáelán sweated profusely; if Snape wasn't too preoccupied with looking down at the picture he had of Harry and telling it I Love You Harry, they would have been noticed due to the amount of noise they were making.
The chapter thankfully came to an end. "Thanks for reading and I will update ASAP," a loud, indescribable voice emanating from nowhere shouted, "oh and please REVIEW"
“This screams of desperation,” Carlisle said, uncovering his ears, right before the next chapter arrived with enough force to knock the three to the floor.
Surprise
Both Carlisle and Émilie muttered under their breaths from the number of times they were knocked to the floor that day. The environment, owing to a dearth of establishing information, was rendered as an empty, generic room – save for a door Harry was staring at. I wonder what the matter is he has been in there for ages, he thought. Neither he nor the agents had to wait for long; they were treated to a soft moan then suddenly from the door that Snape had gone into a Yell reached his ears along with his name.
The door began to moan, then it yelled “Harry!” The sound was extremely wooden.
Émilie was short of vomiting on the floor. “Ugh, the sound, it’s so warped!”
“I never thought there could be a sound worse than Lilia’s singing,” Fáelán said, face still scrunched up.
Harry immediately left the place, much to the relief of Carlisle who thought he was regaining some modicum of common sense and original characterization. In a sequence involving much repetition of the word “door”, Snape went to speak to Harry and told him, 'Harry I have figured out what one half of you is and that is you are half vampire the other half of you I haven't figured out just yet'
“Wait, he’s half vampire?” Émilie looked disturbed. “I really hope there aren’t any vampires. I don’t like vampires.”
"Are there vampires in your world?" Fáelán asked.
“She's from a realistic-ish, World One-esque rendition of France – rats with working knowledge of gourmet cooking aside. Goes without saying that there are no vampires in her world," Carlisle cut in. To the others’ surprised looks, he said, “I listen when others exposit.”
Fáelán was visibly confused, at which point Carlisle figured he hadn't quite yet fully remembered the names of World One countries. As per usual, he quietly grumbled about having clueless people under his guidance.
Harry looked at him with the most excited look on his face
“I don’t know who he is, but he’s downright hardcore. I wouldn’t be excited if I were permanently turned into a winged vampire-like thing and made to live on blood rather than normal food for the rest of my life,” Fáelán said.
"so how long will it take you to figure the rest out? and what are my Vampire features? do I have to drink Blood?' Snape snorted when he saw the face He pulled
Snape grabbed Harry’s face, pulled it, and began to snort.
“Is that normal?” Émilie asked. “Like, does that sentence make sense at all or… what?”
“Not at all,” Carlisle said. “Fáelán, add a charge for distorting Harry’s body.”
“On it,” was his response.
"for the Half Vampires the only have to drink their mates blood but since you haven't been able to drink blood the other half of you has taken over so you won't or will not starve before you find your mate"
The agents had to plug their ears to avoid the sounds of the atrocious grammar.
“Is that canonical?” Émilie asked.
“While the books barely mention vampires, I very much doubt any of this ‘mate’ nonsense applies,” Carlisle replied.
“He’s forced to couple up too?” Fáelán said. “His life is progressively getting worse!”
Snape told Harry the latter would find out what his “other half” was on his seventeenth birthday, at which point Émilie said, “So Harry’s sixteen now? That is concerning.”
”So this takes place during Half-Blood Prince,” Carlisle noted. “how unpleasant.”
Billy arrived, and Harry headed out of the classroom. Hermione then appeared, and Harry asked her where Ron was.
"he is at McGonagall's classroom because he has a detention for bad mouthing Professor Snape"
“In canon, he would probably get detention on that pretext simply because Snape hates Gryffindors,” Carlisle muttered. “I don’t think this is particularly OOC.”
“This Snape person punishes students simply because he doesn’t like their dorms, and he’s allowed to remain on staff?” Fáelán asked. “Wow, this school is weirder than I thought.”
“Says the native inhabitant of a universe where Disney Villains are handsome heartthrobs,” Carlisle deadpanned.
“That sounds interesting,” Émilie said.
"It's not. It really is not," Fáelán replied sadly, at which point Carlisle looked at him in surprise.
"what's on your mind Harry?" Hermione asked.
"well I...you know how I Love Snape?"
Carlisle grimaced.
Shock horror
The fic was prone to ending its chapters at the most inopportune places; a sensation of badfic-induced motion sickness bubbled up in the agents’ stomachs after the chapter change. A charge for this went into Fáelán’s notebook. It didn’t take even five seconds later before another bombshell was dropped: Hermoine said to Harry, "you know Darco Loves you to"
“How would he know this?” Émilie asked, backing away from two newly-created mini-Aragogs. “Darco hasn’t appeared before.”
“You mean Draco,” Carlisle said. He pointed to the spider nearest him. “This is Darco.”
“I don’t mindeses, really,” it commented. “I’s much more interestings than the Malfoy boy.”
Carlisle rolled his eyes and shooed it and Hermoine through yet another portal to HFA.
Harry blushed "yes well i lov...Love him and Sev...Snape as well"
Fáelán blinked several times in quick succession. “Hold on, I’m having trouble keeping track. So not only is he in love with the Snape guy, he’s now also in love with someone else who hasn’t appeared yet?”
“Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy. Of course it’s those two, at the same time,” Carlisle muttered. “Though at least Draco is Harry’s actual age.”
Hermoine looked disgusted and turned her head and looked at the book she had been reading
“Besides the rather poor formatting, that sentence is perfectly in-character for Hermione,” Carlisle said, just before Harry left her and headed down to the dungeons.
As the agents followed Harry, he was still so deep in thought he didn't hear the footsteps that was following him. Harry snapped out of his trance when he felt someone wrap their arms around his waist. Turniong around he came face to face with Billy.
The Stu bared a grin rather like Cheshire Cat crossed with Jeff the Killer. It felt eerily like a horror film: a dark dungeon, chilly air, sudden assault on the hero by a creepy and possessive stranger. Carlisle and Fáelán both placed their hands on Émilie’s mouth to prevent her from screaming.
"i thought you were studding with Professor Snape? and why do you have your arms around me?"
“Oh,” Fáelán said, realization dawning. “They were supposed to be studying. Now I get it.”
Billy looked at Harry and smiled he lowered his head and started to kiss him gliding his hands down Harry's chest around his waist aand squeesed it.
“Make it go away, make that face go away! Make the Stu go away!” Émilie cried, still muffled by her partners’ hands. “He just gets creepier and creepier!”
“And those elastic, elongating hands aren’t making it any better,” Fáelán said at the sight of the Stu’s hands stretching like noodles in order to be both on Harry’s chest and around his waist at the same time. “Is that, like, his unique magic or something? Do wizards in this world have such a thing?”
“No, it’s badfic-induced. Which makes him even Stuer,” Carlisle said. “Stuier? More Stu-y? Whatever.”
Harry moaned and relisation hit him and he pushed Billy away, instantly wiping the slasher grin off the Stu’s face. “Finally!” Émilie said.
… but Billy smiled and the grin returned, looking about ten times as bloodthirsty as before. Émilie descended into alternately blubbering in French and in gibberish in between sobs.
"you loved it you know you did and you love me"
“How is this guy not expelled for sexual assault?” Carlisle said.
In a burst of heroic awesomeness, Harry told the Stu off, though the fact he said "i love 2 people and those two people are not you so leave me alone forever got it?" made the moment not quite as satisfying as it could have been. In response, Billy began walking off and thought, Goodbye Harry you will not see or hear from me again.
“Good riddance,” all three agents said.
harry looked at Snape, confused "since we are living in the smae rooms i think we sould call eachother by the smae name don't you harry?"
Weirdly, as he was the subject of the previous sentence, the Words made Harry address himself. He kept mumbling “smae name” under his breath.
“Add a charge for ‘making Harry insane’,” Carlisle said to Fáelán.
“The Stu makes me insane too. He makes everyone insane,” Émilie said, which Fáelán duly noted down as another charge in its own right.
Harry continued, "severus i was wondering...um...I had heard you were an excellent flyer when you were young so would you be able to teach me?"
“Snape is not an ‘excellent flyer’, nor does he teach flying!” Carlisle rolled his eyes. “Madam Hooch does. And besides, Harry doesn’t need further flying tutoring, he already plays Quidditch quite well!”
“What is that?” Fáelán asked.
“Quidditch is a magical sport played in the Wizarding World, wherein players attempt to direct various flying balls into goals while flying on broomsticks,” Carlisle said. “—and before you say it, I would assume your home continuum has an equivalent as well.”
“That would be Magical Shift, Magift for short. It can be played on broomstick, on foot or both; you try to throw a floating disc into the opponent team’s goal, and you’re allowed to use spells during play.”
“Can you two speak a language humans understand… oh, forget it,” Émilie exclaimed.
Harry and Snape exchanged more meaningless dialogue, and the indescribable voice shouted, thanks for reading people
A mass of Generic People appeared around the agents, holding books. They yelled “You’re welcome!” in unison and disappeared.
“That was freaky,” Émilie said.
(to be continued)