Carlisle Cressington, Fáelán Portavius and trainee Émilie Beauchamp go on a wacky adventure into a wacky Harry Potter bad slash fic. Co-write with Linstar.
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: Twu Wuv between a teenaged student and his abusive teacher.
The fic, titled "Unknown", belongs to Iicyb1tchiI and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it. Harry Potter is the creation of J. K. Rowling.
The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.
Émilie Beauchamp was having a terrible time. She’d recently learned that her entire world was fake, and that there was a whole multiverse of fanfiction to… police. Because that was a thing, apparently.
"Did you catch even one word of what I was saying?"
Oh. Right. After a short conversation with a talking daisy who fancied himself a marquis, she had been placed on a “training mission” with one very grumpy British man. Because that time with the talking rats didn’t count. Why did so many things talk that shouldn’t around here?
"I’ll take your lack of response as a ‘no’," the senior agent said – emphasis on senior. He had very gray hair, and he was leaning against the generic gray wall. What was his name again? Carl? Something like that.
"Didn’t you say we were waiting for someone else?" Émilie asked. Maybe whoever else it was would be less rude.
“Yes,” The agent admitted. “Since my partner has run off to join her parents for some reason, Upstairs is giving me a temporary one. He or she should be along shortly. In the meantime, perhaps you could listen to me as I give the mission briefing?”
“Um, okay I guess,” Émilie said. What was his name? Charles? Charlie?
Right then, in came a fat man with scraggly black hair, dressed in baggy dark robes with ornate gold patterns and a DF flash patch haphazardly sewn on the back. "I really hope Helena and Sheen (read: those two) don't get up to anything stupid; I really don't feel comfortable leaving them alone together," he muttered. To the others, he said, "Oh, you must be Mr. Cressington and Ms. Beauchamp. I'm Fáelán Portavius, temporarily assigned on a mission with you."
Émilie was in the middle of puzzling out his name – she was assigned to more confusingly named people than was necessary that day – when she spotted his pointed ears. "If you don’t mind my asking, what species are you?"
Fáelán replied, "Oh, I'm a fairy, or a fae, but not an elf, although my species is indeed very similar to Tolkien elves. Have to explain that to people a lot though."
The old guy—Cressington—sighed. "Alright, we all know one another, it’s wonderful. But enough chit-chat, we have a mission to get to. Specifically, a Bad Slash mission…"
Once again, Émilie didn't notice a single word of what he said. On top of the onslaught of outlandish happenings that had been plaguing her life non-stop, she was now physically interacting with a fairy. How cool was that?
New Boy
"Now I understand why everyone keeps calling my home universe 'Harry Potter with Disney characters'," Fáelán said as the three floated in pre-fic void, looking down at the Slytherin uniform he was disguised in. "Yet another magical school with snazzy black uniforms. This should be fun."
The lack of a ground beneath the group’s feet was quickly making Émilie dizzy and disoriented, and so she asked, "How long do we have to wait?"
"Not much longer," the older man—though he was disguised as a House-elf, and didn’t really look like an adult man—said.
The exchange was cut short when a Generic Television Screen materialized out the void. Émilie jumped – or rather, floated – backwards. Words appeared on the screen:
What Am I?
“Bad fanfiction, I guess?” Émilie said blankly. It was all she could do not to scream her head off; being stared at by giant letters on a giant disembodied screen was not exactly beneficial to her state of mind.
Harry is an unknown creature can severus help him find out who he is and who is the new person.
“Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are clearly needed,” Carlisle—that was his name!— said.
“Um . . .” Émilie said. “Who’re ‘Harry’ and ‘Severus?’”
“I already explained that!” Carlisle replied. “Seriously, do you even have ears? Anyway, as I previously explained, Harry is the main protagonist of the series, and Severus Snape is a teacher of his that despises him.”
DISCLAIMER I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS I AM JUST BORROWING THEM.
“So,” said Émilie, ignoring the screen. “Sure you don’t want to explain everything?”
“I don’t have time to go over this canon again,” Carlisle said. “but apparently Upstairs—that’d be the talking Flowers—decided to send someone from a continuum with a similar magic system to this one.” He pointed at Fáelán, then rolled his eyes. “Why they didn’t just send an agent from the Potterverse itself, though, is beyond me.”
A/N Italics mean they are thinking
“That is ridiculous,” Carlisle said. “It’s also not a common typographical convention, at least in the way this fic appears to be using it.”
“Got nothing to say to that. Even without knowledge of the canon, this language butchering hurts already,” Fáelán replied, already starting to note down a charge. Émilie however noticed something else – the writing implement Fáelán was using, a stylish fountain pen with an obnoxiously neon green jewel mounted on the cap, drew her attention instantly.
“That’s a really nice pen you have there,” she commented.
“You like it? This is a magical pen,” Fáelán said. “This stone on the cap here is a magical stone. Magic users from my world need magical stones to perform magic.”
“I guess that’s why they sent you here,” Carlisle said. “Similar magic and such. Whereas you seem to be using a magical pen or whatever, Potterverse wizards use wands.”
Émilie didn't react. She hadn't quite gotten used to the fact she was talking to a fairy, and now she learned he was also a wizard.
Eventually, the pre-fic period came to an end. Gravity kicked in and the agents landed painfully in three different awkward positions in a Generic Place that had a hole in the ground, with steps and a garden. As the three crawled to their feet groaning from the pain, not too far from them, harry stood at the steps of the burrow looking out at the garden, where he was soon approached by Ron. Harry started talking to Ron, saying that he was jealous that Ron had Hermione, while he had no one.
“Well, at least it acknowledges a canon couple,” Carlisle muttered.
"I once took on a Lord of the Rings Sue who, in one breath, retconned away Elrond's wife and almost seduced Aragorn, so I'd say the fact this fic acknowledges a canon couple is a welcome mercy, even if the language use is infinitely worse," Fáelán replied.
He was unaware of the ever-benevolent Ironic Overpower above.
Ron just looked at him I can not wait till he defeats He who must not be named me and herm have a good plan so we get all of the glory and the pathitic Boy Who Lived Won't get nothing.
“We’re dealing with a replacement here,” Carlisle said. “Ron is not evil.”
Fáelán duly jotted down another charge. It was as peaceful as a badfic environment could get: no noises but the sound of pen on paper and dialogue robotically recited by badfic-controlled canons. Of course, that peace wound up destroyed when Émilie shrieked, “What! Are! Those!”
Carlisle and Fáelán were both visibly startled, first by Émilie's scream and then the sight of a pair of very large tarantulas that had materialized near them and were crawling towards them. “How very rude, agentses,” one of the spiders said.
Émilie's face turned blue and her knees threatened to fail from her shaking, while Fáelán had a more subdued response, "Er, where did these come from, and why do they talk like Gollum?”
“These would be herm and Boy Who Lived Won’t,” Carlisle said. “They’re minis—small monsters generated whenever the fic misspells a proper name. These are mini-Acromantulas, to be specific. Of course, you, Émilie, probably didn’t hear a single word I just said.” He opened a portal to the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy, their home, and shooed the minis through.
“Are—are they gone?” Émilie asked timidly from beneath her witch’s hat, which she had pulled over her head.
“For now,” Carlisle said. “In a fic like this, more will inevitably show up.”
Before them, the badfic proceeded. Ron told Harry he had Ginny, then Harry informed Ron of a problem he wanted to divulge – so long as Ron promised not to get made.
"I'm gay' Ron just looked at him "your gay"
"That’s the wrong ‘your,’" Fáelán commented. "It makes it sound like Harry possesses someone who’s gay."
“Eh, I’ve had Harry Potter coming-out scenes with far worse spelling,” Carlisle said.
"yes" "but when" harry looked back over the garden and sighed "well i'm in love with Sev..Snape"
“NO!” Carlisle yelled. “This is NOT a good idea! Harry and Snape hate each other, there’s no reason at all for Harry to spontaneously fall in love with him! There has been ZERO lead-up to this! Besides, Harry canonically shows interest in the opposite sex only! Not only that, but Harry is probably a minor here, which makes it so much WORSE! UGH!”
“Er, do you mind calming down a bit?” Fáelán interrupted. “The canons might hear us, and Émilie looks rather startled.”
Indeed, she was slowly shuffling backwards, though it was mainly to avoid Sev the mini-Aragog.
Carlisle sighed and opened a portal to HFA for it.
-Hogwarts- Harry sat at the Griffindor Table staring at Snape who in turn was looking anywhere but him. Dumbldore stood up and smiled around at everyone
The agents were now sitting at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall, which was teeming with Generic Students. As the fic events were rather boring, they were taking a lunch break. However, Fáelán’s notebook now bore the writing turning Ginny Weasley into a Token Homophobic Jerk, Émilie was hyperventilating from the sight of Dumbldore and Griffindor, and Carlisle was still deeply irritated, as usual. However, over plates of mercifully decadent Potterverse food prepared by the House-elves, the agent soon forgot whatever was bothering them and began to have a pleasant little chat.
“These pork chops are good,” Émilie said. “The lemon juice really accentuates the umami notes.
“You seem to know a lot about food,” Fáelán commented.
“Being from Ratatouille probably has something to do with it,” Carlisle said. He smirked. “I listen when others exposit.”
“Well, after god knows how many days subsisting on glitter-stained whatever in the Headquarters, you can’t help but be a bit more attuned to normal food,” Émilie replied.
The conversation then veered from the food served at Hogwarts meals to Hogwarts itself. “Wait, so this school only has four dorms?” Fáelán asked between bites of herb-roasted potatoes. “That’s actually pretty few. Turns out, this school is smaller than I thought.”
“Actually, your school has far too many,” Carlisle said through a mouthful of steak. “Seven houses? Where on earth did they even get the resources and space to build so many? Some series, such as The School for Good and Evil, need only two houses for their school rivalries. Far more efficient.”
“Can’t speak for how efficiently Night Raven College is run, but it’s one of the two most prestigious magic high schools in my world. The school is huge and all the dorms are big and stately and all that jazz. One dorm has a café, another has an indoor pool, another has a ballroom. There’s a reason it has such a great reputation in my world, aside from its education,” Fáelán said in a dull voice that didn’t match the awe-inspiring descriptions he was relaying.
“Mine has none. I never went to a boarding school, or a school that teaches magic for that matter,” Émilie added after a sip of milk, as the minis had wandered off into the corner.
"welcome today i would like everyone to greet a new student who has transferred from a school in Australia"
[GARY STU ALERT. EXTERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE]
“What is that?!” Émilie exclaimed. “Why is there a voice coming from your bag?”
Carlisle sighed and removed a small handheld computer from his bag. “This is a CAD, a Character Analysis Device. When pointed at a character, it analyzes them. Normally, they only go off when turned on—but CADs are notoriously malfunction-prone. They tend to—”
[GARY STU! PLEASE REMOVE!]
The CAD started to smoke and Carlisle dropped it onto the floor.
[ELIMINATE THE STU. WAFFLES. WAFFLES!]
“Ah!” Émilie shrieked. “What is it doing?!” She quickly began scooting in the opposite direction, nearly spilling a glass of milk.
Carlisle stomped on the CAD to get it to stop making noise. “Stupid piece of junk!”
[WA-FF-LE-ZZZ]
The CAD had finally quieted, as it was in pieces.
Fáelán, for his part, just looked around in fear of attracting the canons’ attention.
suddenly the great halls doors opened and in swept in a young man with long blond hair down to his waist bright peircing blue eyes and delicate features.
The agents had to leap out of the way of great halls the mini-Aragog. Following great halls, a young man walked in. He had hair that went down to his waist, and back up to his face and into his eyes. It looked extremely uncomfortable.
The lad, named Billy, caused everyone present – that included the agents, to their chagrin – to stare at him and his Stuish features. The sole exception was Harrywho still hadn't let his eyes move from Snape who intern was staring at the new boy.
By Snape’s side at the High Table appeared an unknown bit character, likely his aforementioned intern, who stared at the Stu for a while before vanishing promptly, never seen or mentioned again.
the hat was placed on his head. Harry finally tore hihs gaze away from snape and looked at the new boy. Suddenly the hat yelled out the house the boy was ment to be in "GRIFFINDOR"
“Wonderful,” Carlisle said as GRIFFINDOR crawled up next to him. “It’s capitalized and misspelled. ‘Gryffindor’ has a y!”
“Well, I had trouble remembering my school’s dorm name spellings too, and still kinda do even now after two whole years attending it. Heartslabyul, Savanaclaw, Octavinelle, Scarabia, Pomefiore, Ignihyde, Diasomnia; I still can’t for the life of me remember that Heartslabyul is written with the y before the u, and Savanaclaw only has one n. Good thing minis can’t be created outside of badfics,” Fáelán said, absentmindedly stroking Harrywho the mini-Aragog, who had crawled onto his shoulder.
“And, additionally,” Carlisle said. “As far as I can tell, neither Harry nor the Stu are acting like Gryffindors. Gryffindors should be brave and courageous, not appallingly lovesick and pathetic or creepy and manipulative. The house is represented by a golden male lion on a red background, for Canon’s sake!”
“Oh, so they’re like Savanaclaw,” Fáelán piped in.
“. . . I assume you are referring to something in your home continuum,” Carlisle said. “Go ahead, exposit away, I know you want to.”
“Savanaclaw, ess-ey-vee-ey-en-ey-cee-el-ey-double u, just one n; it’s a dorm at my school. It’s built in honor of a lion – the King of Beasts*. It’s a dorm for strong, athletic hero-types, basically; it honors the spirit of persistence and its students specialize in sports and physical activities.”
Émilie, not having anything interesting to contribute to the conversation, quipped, “Can you two speak a language that normal humans understand?”
“Non, nous ne pouvons pas,” Carlisle said curtly, at which point Émilie just stared at him. At least it was understandable.
Suddenly everyone along the Griffindor Table started to clap
Since the agents were sitting at the table where Griffindor the mini-Aragog had reappeared, they and the rest of the Slytherins were mistakenly forced to clap. "Ah!" Émilie said. "Why are my hands moving without my consent?!"
"Stu," Carlisle growled.
Billy walked down the rows of seats towards the table seeing Harry he smiled walked over to him and sat down. "hello" Harry smiled at him "hello" Billy grinned and reached forward and touched his arm wich made Harry start screaming in pain all the teachers were running to him and just as he was blacking out he saw the worried face of professor Snape standing over him.
“Ugh!” Émilie exclaimed. “That ‘Billy’ is really creepy.”
“His Stuishness physically pains Harry,” Carlisle said. “How absolutely vile.”
Hello everyone and thanks for reviewing this is my first harry potter fic so please review
Carlisle stood up. “Well, on that poorly-spelt author’s note, this chapter is over. Brace yourselves for the next one.”
Heart Breaker
Still yet disoriented from the chapter change, the agents found themselves in the Hospital Wing where Harry woke up in worlds of pain. There were people approaching, and the agents each hid behind a hospital bed so that the amorphous crowd wouldn’t spot them.
“well it looks like you are up I do hope you are feeling we...” said an unspecified person. “What's happened to you?”
“He’s been Stued,” Carlisle said. “That’s what.”
True to his words, a sight of utter horror unfolded before the agents’ eyes. Instead of a teenaged human wizard with normal human features, Harry now had long sharp finger nails. Gasping he stood up and headed to a mirror and looked at himself and became as horrified as the agents were.
Harry noticed that he had grown 5 inches, his hair had grown longer, his face became more detailed and more handsomer. Harry opened his mouth and noticed that he had small sharp teeth, He then noticed that behind him he had grown Huge black wings.
“My goodness, he turned into a monster!” Émilie gasped. She was already worrying whether she would be able to sleep that night; the image was sure to be etched deep in her brain and haunt her at the most inopportune times.
“Yet he’s somehow ‘handsomer’,” Carlisle said. “Of course.”
As Harry hadn’t quite gotten control of the oversized wings he never had before, several objects and generic people were knocked to the floor and created quite a bit of noise and mess. Carlisle’s head fortunately narrowly missed a falling jug.
What am I? I have no clue as to how this...
“Neither do we,” all three agents said.
-Flash Back-
“Let’s avoid this one,” Carlisle said as the air around them blurred for the flashback. “Essentially, a new student from Australia appears and is sorted into Gryffindor. This is literally the Great Hall scene copy-pasted from the last chapter.”
He opened a portal and they all went through.
- End Flash Back-
That boy Billy he touched me and then something went wrong then...That smell it reminds me of...
“What is that smell?” Émilie wrinkled her nose. “It’s somehow… glittery.”
“Stu,” Carlisle stated dryly.
Out of an undescribed mass of people, Severus Snape appeared and admonished Harry for “admiring himself”, to which Harry replied, "terribly sorry Professor, I'll stop"
“What’s a ‘terribly sorry Professor’?” Carlisle asked. “Because I want one.”
“It’s what happens when a professor reads this fic,” Émilie replied. “Because then he’s… sorry and stuff.”
“Never mind,” Carlisle said.
Snape informed Harry they would be enlisting help from the Stu, Billy Simpson, which lead Carlisle to growl, “What kind of a Potterverse name is that? Fáelán, add a charge for ‘name inappropriate for continuum’.”
“What’s wrong with it?” Émilie asked. “At least those are both English names.”
“Well,” Carlisle said. “Most Potterverse names are unusual, quirky, or meaningful in some way—I daresay you don’t see many Severuses, Remuses, or Albuses around in World One. Most names reflect on character—Dolores Umbridge is a terrible person, Tom Riddle is mysterious, and such.”
“I don’t find them unusual or quirky at all. I used to go to school with a Malleus, a Vil, a Trey, and a Ruggie. Huh, naming conventions are a fascinating thing,” Fáelán said.
“Why would ‘Trey’ be quirky?” Émilie looked puzzled. “It’s not that weird a name.”
“Never mind that,” Carlisle said. “But Ruggie? Ugh, that name just exudes evil.”
“Wait until you hear about Wisteria Greenleaf. That name out-evils all evil names you can think of,” Fáelán quipped.
“It is pretty bad,” Carlisle said. “But not as bad as Leroy.” He shuddered.
Fáelán just stared at him blankly. Suffice to say, a lot of blank stares were dealt out that day.
Harry looked at him "who?" Snape sighed and glared at Harry "Billy Simpson he was sorted into your house Two weeks ago"
“But we already know this, and so should Harry,” Émilie protested. “It was in the flashback!”
"yes. Now get a move on so we can get studding"
“They’re going to decorate things with small pieces of metal?” Fáelán looked very perturbed.
“I honestly have no idea what the fic was trying to say there,” Carlisle said.
Harry nodded and followed Snape down the stairs towards the dungeons, and the agents surreptitiously followed them.
Amidst the vague-but-still-canon dungeons shrouded in eerie darkness and veiled with a goosebump-raising coldness in the air, Harry looked over at Billy who was sitting at one of the Tables looking through the books. Billy looked up and smiled.
"hello Sevie I see you brought him"
Émilie shrieked as Sevie the mini-Aragog appeared. Carlisle simply sighed and portalled it away.
To Harry hearing that broke his heart into million of pieces
A red heart-shaped piece of plastic materialized in the air in front of Harry’s chest and shattered into a million pieces. The agents had to dive behind the tables to avoid the shrapnel.
“Add a charge for irrationally reacting with bad metaphors,” Carlisle said to Fáelán.
Why Harry thought Why did it have to be him that stole my Severus...Not mine but still I Love him.
“Gross,” Carlisle said. “And Snape never gave any indication that he was into Billy—who, I may remind you, IS ALSO A MINOR.”
“Uh, guys,” Émilie said. “I think the chapter’s ending.”
(to be continued)
* also known as Scar to gentle readers outside of his funky little home universe.