While Fáelán is sent on a mission with other partners, the Pixie Hollow fairies have their own (mis)adventure.
The fic, titled "Arrow In My Heart", belongs to requiescat in pace and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it.
The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.
Chapter 1- Meet Legolas!
Bark of silver, leaves of gold; few realms in Middle-earth matched the brilliant glory of Lothlórien, towered over by mallorn trees in their prime all year round. Upon a talan in Caras Galadhon, a pale, dark-haired ellon and a dark-skinned, blonde elleth stood, the former leaning against the tree sporting a glum look on his face, the latter alternating between sketching and taking notes of the golden heaven around them.
"The Autumn Forest back home got nothing on this," said the elleth, stopping sketching for a moment to admire the leaf she had just picked. "Lórien looks even better when you visit it in person; you ever seen such a glorious shade of yellow? We can't plant a mallorn in the Hollow, but there must be a way to recreate this shade and translate it to painting. Say, how much buzz do you think I'll generate if I douse myself head-to-toe in this colour?"
"For Queen Clarion's sake, are you not content with suggesting we steal Pixie Dust from the Tree? Do you have to steal canon matter from another universe too? I don't care if it's just a scoop of dust or just a single leaf; stealing is stealing," said the ellon in his ever-irritating posh accent. "Do you have no shame? What do you think our superiors would feel about having blatant thieves among their workers?"
"Ugh, Mister Fussy-Mussy is at it again." Helena rolled her eyes. "It's just an ordinary leaf out of a huge forest, not the flittering One Ring. Last I checked, there's no PPC rule forbidding taking negligible amounts of stuff that will eventually grow back. Besides, if everyone followed your philosophy, there'd be no fanfiction."
Sheen was about to argue when Helena tossed at him a package – a square of lembas, wrapped in mallorn leaves. "Sorry, no poppy seed scones for you today, but the kind elves gave me a bit of this. Maybe it'll cure you of your fussiness for a while."
Sheen didn't have time to react with the appropriate amount of rage; the fic had started. After conversing with an OC handmaiden named Quessangiel Erulasse, the Sue named Lairiel Faelwen rushed out of her quarters to meet her parents and the Fellowship. That her parents were stated to be – in all sincerity – Galadriel and Celeborn was the last straw for Sheen; enraged as he had never been, he calmly snatched the notebook and pencil out of Helena's hands and wrote REPLACING CELEBRÍAN AGAIN in large letters all over her sketch.
It was Helena's turn to be bugged out of her wits.
Chapter 2- Love Song
Legolas had been staying with me for the past 3 nights. Each night we found a new place to camp in the forest. Then during the day he went back to his friends. I wonder if he talks about me…er yeah, I think I’m falling for him!
"What in the blue blazes are you doing?" Helena yelled in response to the destruction of her handiwork. "My sketch is ruined! How am I gonna start my next project?"
"I am using it according to its intended purpose. You're the one turning a charge notebook into a sketchbook," Sheen clapped back after he scribbled falling in unconvincing love with Legolas in slightly smaller letters than before. "Do you even remember what we're here for? We're on a mission, not a field trip! Our job is to pay attention to the fic, keep close watch on the Sue, and collect enough charges; we don't get paid to flitter around sightseeing. Are you even aware of the Sue's offences thus far?"
Helena glared at him. "Her narration is annoying as sprinting thistles, she flittering turns good Legolas into a sappy prince charming, and she's less concerned about the whole Ring business than she should. I noticed all of that stuff before you could nag me about it; I'm not stupid. I do my job just fine, thank you very much. What's wrong with taking your mind off the badness for a few minutes and collect artistic material when you can?"
"Mouse cheese on an acorn hardtack, do I have to go over this again? A minute, a second of distraction, doesn't matter; dereliction of duty is dereliction of duty. If you keep this up, let's see if you can collect material anymore, since you'll be fired for slacking off!"
"Boo hoo, what an upstanding, contributing member of society!" Helena yelled quite close to Sheen's face. "Unlike you, I have more things in life to worry about than being fired, and I consider boredom a worse fate than violating rules that aren't there!"
"Says the one who's never been an employee, and whose livelihood doesn't literally depend on not being an outcast!" Sheen shouted back.
The scuffle ended with exchanged stares and clenched fists. Not long after, the Sue and a significantly OOC Legolas conversed in subpar Sindarin, then Legolas serenaded her with a musical number that won fangirlish admiration from the Sue but blank stares from the agents.
I anor hílol Edro gûr lín Ae anírach
I anor hílol No in elenath hîlar nan hâd gîn Din Lîn Bein Lalaith Nîn Meleth
Legolas's singing, rendered by badfic, was out of tune, out of rhythm and didn't measure up to canonical depictions of elven song. "What for the life of me did I just hear?" Sheen uttered.
"Hate to agree with you, but that singing is indeed terrible," she said.
Chapter 3- Aragorn
I (Aragorn) was wide awake laying in the bed the elves had made for me. I looked over to the hobbits. Pippen, Merry and Sam were playing cards and Gimli was watching, Frodo was asleep in the corner. I noticed that Legolas had not been with us for the past three nights. “Gimli, where is Legolas?” The dwarf shrugged. “Off with his girlfriend I assume” What? “Girlfriend?” Since when did Legolas have a girlfriend?
"Ugh, she's making other people call her Legolas's girlfriend. Charge," Helena said.
"Not to mention making Middle-earth inhabitants use the word 'girlfriend' in the first place, and mysteriously making Boromir disappear from the story and the canons' consciousness. That makes two charges," Sheen replied, struggling to write while keeping the notebook out of the reach of Pippen the mini-Balrog.
All seemed well in the world again. United in their distaste for the badfic, the two forgot their dispute; all that concerned them was the damage done to the canon they both loved. They pressed a host of charges while the fic unfolded; it was the epitome of teamwork, peace and friendship…
Chapter 4- Orc Attack
We had won the attack with minimal losses. […] He didn’t say anything just looked at me. I took his hand. It’s wet. I looked down and it is covered in blood. Before I could open my mouth he covered it with his clean hand. “I am fine, Bein” (Beautiful) He removed his hand from my mouth. “It is just a cut” I examined his hand. I tore off a bit of his sleeve and wrapped it around his wound. “Legolas…” I trailed off. He took my chin and leant close to my face. I felt my cheeks getting hot. I got closer to him and we kissed. It was sweet and soft. We closed our eyes and he wrapped his arms around me.
… which did not last long. Irritation compounded by an orc attack on Lórien that didn't happen in canon and stoked to a breaking point by the abovementioned turn of events, Sheen stormed out of his hiding spot and cried despite Helena's loud protests, "Lairiel Faelwen, you are convicted by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum of crimes against fanfiction and Tolkien canon. You are charged with replacing the canon character Celebrían again; making Legolas act like an airheaded prince charming…"
"Are you even listening to me?" Helena tried to scream over him. "I said we should wait later until the Fellowship leaves Lórien! I want to collect more material!"
"… creating an unconvincing romantic plot with a Fellowship member; causing Legolas to sing badly…" Sheen shouted even louder.
"You're the worst, most obstinate, most boring partner I've ever had! Why must I be stuck on a mission with you?"
"… juvenile narrative voice and vocabulary choices unfitting for the Tolkien universe; being more concerned about your sickening love than the One Ring and the true purpose of the Fellowship; mini creation; and being a Mary Sue. For all your crimes, Mount - Doom - lava - right - now," Sheen capped off at a volume loud enough to make his throat raw.
Meanwhile, the Sue's handmaid, who gave her name as Tillais instead of fic-assigned "Quessangiel Erulasse", stood behind the duo witnessing them with the look of a deer in headlights.
"All thanks to Mister Fussy-Mussy, we're all out of Pixie Dust, and my new art project is tanked. Today really is the worst day ever," Helena whined as the two, now unable to fly, must make a grueling trek through human-sized corridors to reach home.
"All thanks to Miss Lack McWorkethics, we wasted more time in the badfic than we should and probably missed a load of charges. For every praise we receive for inducting a new recruit, we'd likely get ten reprimands," Sheen said. One had exhaustion both from the mission and the walking to thank that they didn't launch into yet another round of arguing.
Much silent walking later, the two both said, "I wonder where Portavius / Filus is."
A/N: Thanks to Huinesoron for suggesting the recruit's new name.
Minis:
Pippen (adopted by Hannah)
Rescued characters (all up for adoption):
Tillais, formerly Quessangiel Erulasse