[MISSION] Of Trans-Dimensional Snatching and Poorly Done Metafiction

This fic… neither makes much sense nor has a lot to do with Onmyōji, but of course that spells loads of fun for our agents.

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The fic cited in this story, titled "Claimed by death", belongs to Anjarie03 and they're allowed to keep or do whatever they want with it.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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Rows of wall-to-wall buildings lined narrow roads, eye-catching shop signs and colourful neon lights thickly decorated down to every corner, throngs of immobile generic people crowded about. It appeared to be one of the busiest shopping streets in Kanda, Chiyoda ward, present-day Tokyo, beautiful though lifeless like a Google Street View panorama. Amidst that scenery were two humans, one male, one female, both dressed in the most generic kimono. The female of the duo, a young woman with white hair, was aghast at her surroundings even as her black-haired male companion was rolling on the road surface shouting angry incoherence.

I thought this was an Onmyōji fic?

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Prolouge

*the formless narrator did not spell that wrong; this is exactly how this chapter was named

Onmyōji, Onmyōji. One of the best portrayals of Japanese culture outside of Japan, striking character designs and richly traditional aesthetics, a compelling if convoluted story and memorable characters, a large and growing cast of big-name Japanese voice actors. It was little wonder the agents of RC 381 jumped at the chance of missioning in that continuum. At this point, the formless narrator calls upon the reader to express sympathy for Kaguya – so especially excited was he, his "angry mode" left him with his entire body wrapped in an obscenely long garland adorned aplenty with bananas.

Woe continued to befall the agents the moment they actually set foot in the fic.

"This isn't how it's supposed to end.." "This is the end" "Ichimokuren.." a soft female voice said out of nowhere "It's okay.. you are safe now"

After the aforementioned vague flashback sequence in a grey space of disembodied dialogue, the environment materialized – but not before the narration threw a gasp at the agents out of nowhere. This was when the madness began.

The fic had no summary. It was not tagged, forewarned, noted, in any way, shape or form indicated as an AU. And yet, where was the Heian period setting? Where were the kimono and traditional Japanese aesthetics? The yōkai, onmyōdō and an overall air of mysticism? Momoka could only stand and stare at the Kanda shopping street they found themselves on while Kaguya barrel-rolled around her, his head in a plastic bag, his lower body in a burlap sack.

"What does any of this have to do with Onmyōji, and if it has to take place in a totally unfitting setting, why is none of this crucial information relayed beforehand? Charge for essentially deceiving the reader!" he cried.

Amidst much struggling to even put pencil to paper, Momoka dropped the CAD – which immediately turned itself on and began to shriek like no tomorrow.

[Ichimokuren (CV: Midorikawa Hikaru)*. Canon, male playable character, SSR-class shikigami. OOC level: 10%, but keep an eye on him]

It was the first thing related to Onmyōji canon she'd heard since the mission started, and that meant a boost in her confidence. After putting away the CAD and placing a foot on Kaguya to stop him from rolling, she directed her attention to a certain pink-haired, one-eyed fallen god frantically running among an immobile crowd of generic people.

With many stares directing him, Ichimokuren ignored everyone and followed his mission he ran..ran and ran..

"Why on earth does whatever trouble he's dealing with in the Heian period require him to transport himself into present-day Tokyo?" Kaguya, now DORKS'ed into his old high school uniform, shouted while scaling the buildings as if he was Spiderman, but Momoka didn't pay attention. Once again having on the burgundy blazer and skirt from the same high school, she couldn't help reminiscing those days past.

Being two years apart, she and Kaguya went to school together for exactly one year, but what a year it was. Never before and never again, going to school was immeasurable fun: fretting over preparing for her master a perfect lunch box every morning, ironing every little crease out of his uniform, never feeling bored by homework as it meant more time with her master, and most importantly basking in the envious glances from other girls for being chummier than most with the handsome president of tea ceremony club. Such fond memories… that were soon put to a halt by the sound of shattering glass above and that of Ichimokuren tripping and falling in front of her.

Momoka was thrust into a precarious situation: to panic that Kaguya was stuck through a window above her head, or that the attractive male Onmyōji canon she was supposed to be watching had finally come into contact with the Sue.

Ichimokuren looked in awe at the mysterious girl "I.." he faintly said "I am okay", "great! Here let me help you u-" she was about to say as Ichimokuren stood up by himself "So much for being polite" the girl thought in her head

The Sue's gratingly bitchy voice rang in Momoka's head, followed by a sudden flashback – "I love you Ichimokuren.. thank you for saving us.." a woman said as she smiled with tears rolling down her face..she was taken by the storm – compounding the problem. If only she hadn't gotten distracted by memories, she wouldn't have ended up in this state. She was already hyperventilating when…

"I am in the human dimension.." he fainted

… the scene changed, and Kaguya fell on her head like a sack of potatoes. To add insult to injury, out of thin air fell a hard object – a daruma doll. It appeared amazingly similar to the design found in the game, specifically the coveted black kind with one eye filled used to increase shikigami skill levels, but coconut-sized and with a crucial difference. Emblazoned on its belly, rather than the two characters 御行, was a string of tiny letters that spelled Ichimokurens.

Momoka only had enough time to pick up Ichimokurens the mini-daruma and plop her master on the floor. Unlike the colourful Google Street View scenery outside, the scene took place in a beige room filled with just as beige furniture. Ichimokuren had just regained consciousness and was apparently being cared for by the Sue, though…

"Who are you?" He said "who am I? Who are you? You didn't even say thank you when I helped you out gosh, and here I am again helping you.." she sighed

… she was just as unpleasant as before.

Momoka clenched her teeth at the blatant disrespect, Kaguya slurred about incorrect dialogue formatting while crawling like a worm. One banal exchange later, Ichimokuren decided to up and leave; yes, run away from the Sue, Momoka thought as she quietly followed him outside, dragging Kaguya along by the collar.

Rain began to fall when Ichimokuren was out the Sue's door, and he curled himself into a ball. There is not much the formless narrator can say about his becoming a spherical object that doesn't involve descriptions of abject body horror.

As the Rule of Funny tends to be cruel, the remote activator chose that time to stay buried so deep inside the Bag of Holding that Momoka couldn't fish it out – just in time to witness poor spherical Ichimokuren getting hugged by the Sue.

"Nella? That's seriously your name? Are you perhaps joking with me?" Kaguya rambled behind her while executing several breakdance-yoga fusion feats. "While being a presumably Japanese girl who's supposedly from a small village? And Ichimokuren, from the Heian period, says her name without finding it weird whatsoever? Quickly, charge for improbable name, chocolate pickles and fried microchips!"

As Momoka jotted down the charge without questioning his sense of priorities, a living room with a closet materialized right outside the door to the Sue's house due to a lack of transition. Ichimokuren went to bed in that lousy condition still thinking She's really nice, and the scene changed, toppling Kaguya over from a loss of balance and nearly making Momoka unconscious from the dizziness.

What greeted them next was more shocking than anything that happened so far.

The Sue, in her bedroom, grabbed her phone and began playing the game Onmyōji, realizing the stranger staying with her was a character in the game along the way. This sequence of events alone baffled Momoka so deeply her brain got the closest a human nervous system could get to glitching out. Kaguya was not so lucky; he was headstanding all while mustering all his willpower to keep his barely coherent rambling down.

In order to prevent her master from spontaneously combusting, Momoka hastily portalled themselves out of the chapter.

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Chapter 1

Momoka landed in The next day in the Sue's house, spinning a headstanding Kaguya on the tip of her index finger like spinning a basketball. She didn't quite have time to process her thoughts; waking up in bed, the Sue slowly opened her eyes to reveal the bright light of the sun, and Momoka had to cover her eyes out of fear of getting blinded all while not dropping her master.

The chapter's opening, while thankfully returning Ichimokuren to his humanoid state due to fangirling in-narration, was painfully boring. This gave Momoka enough time to calm down and get irritated at the Sue's immature squeeing at the good-looking fallen god. The Sue went to prepare food – specifically fried rice, eggs and bacon ("You know he's from a Heian period setting, how do you expect him to eat any of that?" Kaguya said, still spinning) – then left notes telling Ichimokuren to call her should problems arise ("Or use a phone for that matter?"). Momoka's arm was growing tired from his weight and she was nervous that her master was being too loud…

… when Ichi the mini-daruma, again of the black one-eyed kind, flew at her head from the Sue's use of a non-canonical nickname. She lost balance, and Kaguya fell off her fingertip to the floor with a thud just as the Sue left her house.

What came after was a barrage of short scenes and abrupt scene changes that tested the agents' stomachs to the max:

First, the POV shifted into that of Ichimokuren, though the third-person narration did not change. Kaguya only had time to complain about how Ichimokuren could use a kitchen sink and Momoka to groan over his thinking the Sue was nice when the scene abruptly ended with the force of a rollercoaster ride.

Then, the agents found themselves in a beige zoo, which was where the Sue worked at. There, she had a banal exchange with a male OC named Kaisei.

"I thought the the powerful Nella could withstand the summer heat, or so I though, I guess she got defeated yet again" Kaisei said "Haha, you're so funnyyy Kai I'm laughing hahaha" Nella commented sarcastically

Kaguya, finally sitting up albeit with an empty bucket somehow on his head, just managed to cry, "What does any of this have to do with Onmyōji… oof!" before both he and his maid were knocked to the ground by another scene change.

Right after that, the two were back in the Sue's house where Ichimokuren was watching TV. In addition to the bucket, each of Kaguya's feet was now in a watermelon. A flashback suddenly occurred – It's okay Ichimokuren I will always love you – compounding the motion sickness further, followed by an internal monologue:

A voice whispered in his mind "No war happened, you came her intentionally to find out more about the human dimension, for Kingyo"

Momoka could only look on in utter bewilderment. "What on earth is wrong with this fic?" Kaguya said, muffled by the bucket. "That is not what 'human dimension' means in the Onmyōji universe! The human dimension is where humans like Abe no Seimei and Heian-kyō citizens live, as in not the negative world, the afterlife or Takama-ga-hara! It is not our modern-day real world! Besides, Ichimokuren and Kingyo-hime don't even know each other!"

The agents didn't have time to react to Ichimokuren's effortlessly using modern writing tools when the scene changed again.

Alright, that is it! Momoka thought, biting back the vomit that was rising to her throat. Kaguya now ended up with noodles all over his formerly neat burgundy blazer and trousers, and the Words warned of more scene changes to come. She was a second too late – another scene with Sue and Kaisei at the zoo wrapped up before she could even put her hand into the Bag. She gave up watching the fic altogether and dropped to the ground in a fetal position, clutching her stomach tightly in order not to unleash the contents of her breakfast all over the place.

On an optimistic note, this scene change removed the bucket from Kaguya's head and replaced it with the ugliest hip-hop cap known to man, letting him see the badfic antics ahead. The scene took place in a resturant with beige floor, beige ceiling, beige tables, beige food, beige everything, where the Sue and Kaisei were conversing rather loudly. The Sue, whom Kaisei informed as dumped 7 times because of her nonstop fangirling, said,

"I'm this close, THIS, close to punching you" she said holding up her hand showing her fingers that are touching eachother. "Oh! Remeber that time when you fell for the hilarious pranks I pull" Nella said Kai looked at her "those were the bad times" he said about to snap remembering how he had to step on 20 mousetraps just to get out of his room.

"Oh, so she is a horrible person!" Kaguya remarked, somehow acquiring a crab on each ear while backward stretching, his irritation not helped by Kaisei's inner monologue that praised how "Cute" the Sue was. At this very moment, Momoka finally got her hand on the remote activator and, with much shaking, managed her last button press of that day and portalled them both through an onslaught of scene changes.

It was the last scene of the chapter and of the fic, taking place in 3rd pov. There, the Sue, Kaisei and Ichimokuren met up at Sue's place to discuss. The Sue said,

"Ichimokuren I am aware that you possible don't have somewhere to stay so I am giving you an option; you can stay at my house, Kai's house, or you can just live in a apartment, but the catch is if you want to live in either of those places you would need to work" Nella finished

The discussion wasn't allowed to go further, for right then a coconut-sized black daruma hit the Sue squarely on the head.

"Ichimokuren is not getting a job for you, not now, not ever." said Kaguya, clearly the one throwing the mini. The ugly hip-hop cap still on his head, noodles still drenching his clothes, legs still through watermelons, he nevertheless managed to look cooler than ever. "On orders of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, we hereby charge you with not labelling an AU; interfering with canonical worldbuilding; removing a canon character from his world for an incredibly poorly thought out reason; having an improbable name; needlessly constant scene changes; being treated as right by the narrative despite being rude, annoying and borderline psychotic, specifically torturing a friend of yours and calling it 'pranks'; forcing Ichimokuren to go to work in your world; creating minis; and being a Mary Sue."

"Kaguya-sama, I think I am about to barf." Momoka added weakly.

"That makes one more charge of giving an agent motion sickness. For all of the aforementioned, you're sentenced to death. Do you have any last words?"

"Do I get to keep handsome Ichi?" she said.

One more daruma thrown at the Sue's head, and she died instantly.

Momoka was still on the floor, deeply unamused on top of too sick to press a button anymore. That lead Kaguya to have to work the remote activator instead, opening a portal leading to the afterlife, to the field of blood-red spider lilies by the Sanzu river. The Sue's corpse, once dropped there, immediately became soil nutrition for the bed of flowers.

There were still two other characters perplexedly staring at the agents, Momoka was still unable to move. It was up to Kaguya to work the machinery again. Momoka and Kaisei were asked to cover their eyes; both did, albeit with visible confusion on the latter's part. A flash went off, and…

"Ichimokuren-sama, you have never been taken out of your setting. Kingyo-hime never told you to go anywhere, you know nothing about the modern world, you have never stayed at a Mary Sue's house. You are and always will be a respectable former god. With that said, please exit through this hole over here."

The one-eyed fallen wind god was safely returned to his continuum.

Kaisei slowly uncovered his eyes. Too much was happening, he could only stare at the white-haired schoolgirl on the floor, then back at the man with all sorts of assorted garbage on his body. "I would like you to come with us. It is dangerous here. We will explain later." the man said to him.

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Kaguya shrugged the banana garland off himself upon return to Headquarters – Momoka was too unwell to assist him. Her arm slung over his shoulders, he carried her as they stood at the door to a Reality Room.

After a while, a man emerged from behind its doors – a black-haired, black-eyed young man dressed in the garbs of an onmyōji: white kariginu, indigo hakama trousers, a tall black eboshi hat.

"Many warm greetings to you." said Kaguya as though the man was a guest at the hotel his parents ran. "Welcome to the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, where stories are protected from malicious influences. May I know your name?"

"My name is U-Uminari, Ōtsu no Uminari. Some read my name Kaisei. I am an onmyōji, and… er…" said the rescued male character, shaking in much shock and fear, which didn't take long to turn into full-blown panic, "Where am I? Who are you? What do you want? What have you done to me?"

"Uminari-dono, please calm down. Everything is fine." said Kaguya. "You are safe, here no one makes you walk on a mousetrap-ridden floor. No one…"

But Uminari interrupted. "I get it… I'm dead, and this is hell!" he said, his expression turning into a wide grin. "You are a hell envoy, and that's a soul you're leading to the afterlife! After all this time, my dream has come true! I am so happy I can barely stand it!"

Before Kaguya could explain anything else, Uminari ran off, lost amidst the convoluted hallways of the Headquarters.

Kaguya was about to chase after him when he remembered his maid next to him. "Momo, are you okay?" he asked. "Do you need me to take you to Medical?"

Momoka didn't answer, for she was deep in thoughts. For the first time, she was profoundly incompetent. First she got distracted by her own thoughts, then she could only lie on the floor while her master did important work. Her assistance was a necessity, yet she succumbed to the badfic's powers and botched her duty. That, to her, was nothing short of unforgivable.

What would become of the agents of RC 381 should the badfics awaiting them be any crazier?

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Minis:

• Ichimokurens (adopted by Diane Correa)

• Ichi (adopted by Kaguya)

Rescued characters (all up for adoption):

• Ōtsu no Uminari (大津 海成), name alternatively read Kaisei

* This game loves calling attention to its solid cast of big-name voice actors, which the CAD gets kicks from spoofing.