Four Demonly Kings, two Sues and a lot of chatter. Still set before Halloween 2022.
Warning for in-fic swearing.
The fic, titled "Twisted Wonderland: The Power of Love!", belongs to AsmoxJojo4lyfe and they're welcome to keep or do anything with it.
The following text is a work of parodic/satirical literary analysis.
Chapter 1
It was supposed to be the biggest day of Maddie's life. She was going to marry who she considered her true love: Rodger Esquire Kudo III. This was supposed to be her happily ever after. But did she really want this?
"You have Azul's dorm dress SSR? I'm so jealous," Momoka said to Inasuke. "I've been trying for that one for ages; I only have three dorm dress cards, and none of them is Octa."
"But doesn't sempai have Vil's Halloween SSR? I want that one so bad; well, I want any and every card of him," Inasuke replied. "If only I knew, I'd have chosen him as a starter."
"Who was your starter then?" Momoka asked.
"Epel. He looks cute enough. Argh, if only I picked the guy right next to him!"
"Oi, dis a mission, not a picnic!" Urato cried, hand slammed over the mouth of an angry and rambling Kaguya. "'Nyone gunna help me deal widdis incomprehensible moron over here?"
It was as fun as it could get. Blending into the crowd of generic guests at the Princess Sue's royal wedding, the four were on a mission of a lifetime: their first excursion where all four were fans of the canon they were protecting. While waiting for truly bad antics to happen, they had a pleasant little chat, as though they indeed were merely attending a lavish party.
Though, in truth, only three of them chatted while Kaguya was incensed and ranting.
"Thank you" Maddie said, nervous "I just hope things go well…. I already asked my dad to not let Hana in the castle" Meanwhile, her familiar Grim was already eating the fancy tuna provided for the reception. "This stuff is good!" He chirped, munching on it like no tomorrow.
"Kaguya-sama says none of this has anything to do with Twisted Wonderland, the Sue is annoying, and Grim is not supposed to be anybody's familiar," Momoka said, while Urato winced from Kaguya's biting his hand. "She should be charged for insufferable behaviour and fundamentally invalidating canon story."
"Thank goodness fer ye," Urato said, jotting down the charges. "Without yeh, ain't no way we can work with 'im."
"Er, I'm pretty sure Shigisawa-sempai is an agent too, not an interpreter," Inasuke said, still sore that his joyful discussion with her was cut short. "Hazama-sempai can't work with others, that's his problem. It's not Shigisawa-sempai's responsibility to work out his problem for him; she has her own agent duties to perform, and she should be allowed to have fun too."
Momoka was about to make her annoyance known when the fic reminded them of their objective. After Grim spotted someone univited in the crowd of wedding guests and went to inform Maddie the Sue, this ensued:
Rodger sighed dramatically, he would do this to try and feign guilt. "I'm sorry Maddie-poo…" he said. Maddie for once snapped. The audience could only watch as she chewed out her fiancé. "No…. No you're fucking not! I told you not to invite Hana how many times now?!" "Seven…?" He answered, lowering his head. "And I found THIS on his phone!" Grin stated, holding up a conversation where he said some pretty nasty things about her. Upon seeing this…. If a Good Bridezilla was a thing, Maddie has now…. Lost. It. "Are you fucking serious right now!?"
"Kaguya-sama doesn't understand why so many Sues have to be so needlessly bratty," Momoka translated another stream of cacophony from her master's mouth. "They are already disrupting universes and harming canon characters, there's no need for them to have unbearable attitudes and behaviours on top of it."
"Yer talkin' like it's even possible ta have a not unbearable Sue," Urato said, Grin the grinning mini-Overblot sitting on his shoulder. "Bein' unbearable is part n' parcel o' bein' a Sue. If dey ain't unbearable, dey ain't Sues. 'Sides, look who's talkin'! Yer da most unbearable one on dis team right now, with all dat ramblin' yer doin'!"
The Sue's tantrum grew worse, and her face, being completely cracked, developed literal cracks like broken earthenware. She threw her wedding ring to the ground, swore up a storm at the groom and his lady-friend, and stormed off to her room, all in front of a sizable audience. It only took seconds later for the news of Maddie and Rodger's wedding fiasco to spread all over Magicam, to the amusement of none of the Demonly Kings.
"She is supposedly a princess. Royalty. Actual I-kid-you-not royalty," Inasuke said, fingers already working the portal generator. "What has her country done to deserve being ruled by this complete and utter brat? This is the second bratty royal I've faced… an intolerable, tantrum-throwing princess in front and an annoying, good-for-nothing botchan scum next to me, is the entire universe out to get me?"
"Yeah, I share yer pain," Urato replied while blocking his own ears to spare his eardrums from Kaguya's voice, not heeding Momoka's death glare. "Ey, at least da Sue ain't never gettin' admitted to NRC, right?"
Chapter 2
"Fer cryin' out loud! What part of 'NRC is a friggin' all-boy school' dun dese idjits understand?" Urato grumbled before the chapter started, in time with another one of Kaguya's bouts of gibberish. Now clad in the ceremonial ensemble of dark robes embroidered with gold, the four appeared as no more than four unassuming teenage boys in the crowd of ceremony-goers gathered at the Hall of Mirrors – indeed, the fic had moved the ceremony into the school's intra-campus transportation hub rather than the Mirror Chamber, where ceremonies usually took place.
Such was the cost of tempting the Ironic Overpower: against the group's speculation, the Sue Maddie indeed randomly decided to enroll herself in Night Raven College, while her equally Suvian friend Fen Park was already studying there. This development irked the agents, but the hours spent waiting for the Sues' arrival soon wore their irritation down to boredom. To prevent Urato from yawning for the third time, Momoka started, "Diasomnia is full of mysteries, don't you think? Who is Silver based on, you reckon?"
"Princess Aurora. He has got to be Princess Aurora," Inasuke opined. "He's sleepy all the time, he attracts animals, and Vil calls his eyes aurora-coloured in his sports uniform personal story. Isn't it obvious?"
"Nah, he gotta be da prince. C'mon, he's knight-themed, in equestrianism club n' uses swords," Urato added. "'Sides, ya just gotta bring up yer fav again, doncha? Cancha talk 'boudda game widdout bringin' up Vil at some point?"
"Oh, now you just have to remind me," Inasuke said. "This is the fourth Twisted Wonderland badfic I've taken, and I've still not found any Vil mini. The princess Sue has the gall to be from the same country as him, yet can't be bothered to misspell his name?"
Urato snorted. "Y'know, if ya like Vil so much, whydya want his name ta be misspelled?"
"Because it's the closest I'll ever get to physically living with him. It's just not enough to have his rarest cards, or a figurine of him on my desk; I want a living, moving version of him, that I can walk around with and talk to."
Urato was mumbling something about antisocial perverted otaku when Momoka chimed in, "Vil is cool too; I think he's a lot like Kaguya-sama. I mean, they're both pretty, feminine and beauty-conscious; no wonder the DORKS puts Kaguya-sama into Pome."
Inasuke's mood was dampened. If not for his respect for her, he would firmly request her not to compare his all-time hero to that botchan scum. Certainly, both were good-looking and beauty-conscious, but one was a hardworking, determined man who defied gender stereotypes, and the other an overprivileged, pampered, useless sorry excuse for a human being who shamelessly enslaved the person Inasuke admired the most. He was already ticked off enough by the fic and the lack of Vil minis, he didn't need a reminder of that annoying bastard…
Then Kaguya interrupted the exchange with a deafening roar. According to the top-notch interpretation Momoka immediately provided, this apparently meant "Sues incoming".
Maddie could see Fen hitting on one of the teachers. "So, happy to see me back~?" She winked. "I'm always happy to see a familiar puppy~" He smirked, petting her fox ears.
[Divus Crewel (CV: Itō Kento). Canon, male human, magic user. OOC level: Mind you, Crewel threatens and punishes other students for less, why do these poopheads get to disrespect him and flirt with him in front of the entire school, which can get a teacher fired?]
"Sheesh, ya gotta be so loud, dude?" Urato said after he stomped his smoking and reeking CAD into smithereens. "I already know da Sues are comin', ya dun need tah yell at me 'bout it!"
"Ignore him. Stop responding to him. Treat him as if he doesn't exist," Inasuke said, audibly seething in anger, while the Sues continues their squealing disrespect of a faculty member. "As I said, let him deal with his own problem. We have more important matters to focus on."
"Y'know what, yer right," Urato said, while a fully unnecessary sequence in which the dorm leaders introduced themselves played, interspersed by the Sues' fully unnecessary and annoying reactions. "He's good as background music. His voice's kinda sexier dis way too."
Momoka was short of turning red, and not only over the fic's mistreatment of canon.
Chapter 3
Maddie glanced up and saw Epel. She blushed. "He's kinda cute too," she admitted. […] "Oh hey, he's in my dorm." Fen grinned. "I'll put in a good word for ya~" She gave Maddie a teasing wink. Maddie grins "Thank you!"
"Kaguya-sama says Epel will sooner punch the teeth out of the Sues than ever go on a date with such an irritating brat, whether or not she's the princess of his country," Momoka translated.
… but her effort went to waste. Both Urato and Inasuke had elected to ignore anything Kaguya had to say, whether or not she translated it. They also had better things to mind – while all around them there was already gossip being spread that the Pyroxene (Shaftlands) Royal Wedding was canceled and that the princess is now attending classes here, a canon character reacted thus:
"There's no way my idol could possibly—" "Lillian Newton!" Crowley called. Idia was shook. Holy shit! This was the gamer girl gf of his dreams! And she's going to HIS school!
"Ya gotta be kiddin' me," Urato muttered, clenching one fist. "Of all people ta mess with, ya gotta gun right fer Idia? Imma make sure ta kill ya good fer dis."
This did not go unnoticed with Inasuke. "You like Idia? The actual Idia Shroud, the tech geek who rarely ever leaves his room? Right after you called me an antisocial otaku? That's funny. Knowing you, I'd think you'd like Jack or somebody like him."
"C'mon, Idia has fire for hair. Dat's all sortsa cool. 'Sides, he's friggin' based on Hades fer love of me; y'see, among all dem characters, he da only one based on a god. Dat puts 'im sev'ral levels above all da oder guys. Also, ya ain't better; I thought ya just like fluffy cats n' pink cupcakes n' smilin' chibi, now ya go n' drool over Vil."
Momoka's CAD chose this very moment to grow hotter than a lit barbecue and smell like an accident in a biochemistry lab. It read, [Vil Schoenheit (CV: Aiba Hiroki. Look at the guy in real life and try not to swoon, I dare you). Canon, male human, magic user. OOC level: HE DOES NOT GIVE PEOPLE PET NAMES CURSE YOU SUES ASDF#@5_#-:#-POTATOES] before Momoka had to mercy-kill it under the sole of her shoe.
As expected of any defilement of the stories and characters Inasuke liked, his face went white with anger. "He… he just called the beastwoman Sue Fen-Fen. She has crossed it. Not only does she have the absolute gall to invade the dorm of the ever great and wonderful Vil Schoenheit, she made him give her a pet name. This is all kinds of unforgivable!"
"Oi, ya gunna forget da princess Sue bein' put into friggin' Ignihyde?" Urato said. "I dun care if yer a 'Magicam Poketuber Princess', crap on Idia n' yer dead!"
"The Sues have messed with four canon characters. We must stop them before their Suefluence spreads," Momoka said, kitchen knives in hand. "Who knows what happens if they get too close to Azul?"
So preoccupied with the fic's badness, she had forgotten to translate one more complaint from her master.
Charging like berserkers, the three interrupted the gathering in the noisiest way possible. "Maddie and Fen, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum arrest you for crimes against fanfiction and canon," Momoka said, pointing her knife at the princess Sue's face. "Charges against you include making Grim your familiar; enrolling in an all-boy school; rendering several canon characters OOC, namely Grim, Crewel, Idia and Vil; character motivations that don't make sense, namely randomly going to high school after botching your own wedding; for that matter, throwing a public tantrum at your wedding like a spoiled kindergartner despite being a head of state; disrespecting faculty, namely hitting on a teacher in front of a school gathering and potentially costing him his job, and never facing consequences; generally acting like the biggest brats alive yet still being loved by everyone for it; and most importantly being pointless Mary Sues. You will be put to death."
All the while, Kaguya stood in place in the crowd, quiet as a rock.
Momoka couldn't help noticing something off about her master as they returned from the mission. He seemed less relieved and content than usual; he didn't smile pleasantly, didn't tease her, didn't busy himself with either his makeup, his favourite traditional pastimes or video games. Instead, he appeared sad, facing downward, eyes staring at the floor.
Nevertheless, Momoka didn't stray from her routine. "Should I get you tea, or should I get juice? Would you like a snack?" she asked after she had taken off and put away his coat. "We've scheduled an Identity V match this afternoon, haven't we?"
The mention of a schedule seemingly broke Kaguya out of his trance. "Oh, right," he said, then made his way into the second room.
Minis (all up for adoption):
Grin