[MISSION] Of Skin-Changing Sues and Artistic Preferences
- The Formless Narrator
- Nov 12, 2022
- 6 min read
Fáelán and Helena take on an elf Sue with idiotic skinchanger powers.
The fic, titled "The Dragon Girl", doesn't fully belong to AlphaWolf1217 as it is basically a rehashing of the PJ films with minimal contributions from the Sue, but they're welcome to whatever they've actually created.
The folllowing text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.
Chapter 1
Houses carved into hills of lush grass, fenced gardens of colourful flowers, hobbits happily going about their lives. Such was Hobbiton, a place of charming countryside beauty that easily rivaled the scenery of Pixie Hollow. Amidst the pleasant morning air and twittering of birds, a pair of hobbits, one male and one female, strolled down a village road having a chat.
"… Pom-pom? What did you say?" asked the female hobbit, who had picked a handful of vibrantly coloured flowers.
"Pomefiore, pom-fee-OR-reh, pee-oh-em-ee-eff-eye-oh-arr-ee. It's a dorm at my school," explained the much fatter male hobbit, stopping to duck out of the way of a farmer wheeling a cart of produce. "I think you'd fit right in there; too bad you're not a boy. The dorm is full of beauty-conscious people, so I think it's just the place for an artist like you. It's pretty cool, got a ballroom and I think it has its own underground lab."
"Sounds kinda great, but I don't like dormitories," replied the female, who was rather obviously Helena in disguise. "The word alone conjures undesirable images. Sharing a house with too many people and being subject to too many rules and regulations just isn't an ideal environment for an artist like me. It's nice that Pom-pom-fairy-berry-whatever has its own lab, but I still prefer being able to go out gathering material at any time I want, eat anywhere I want, and lay out my tools any which way I want."
"And yet you're just fine with living in PPC Headquarters. You're as mind-boggling as your artistic sensibilities," the male hobbit, really Fáelán in disguise, deadpanned.
Indeed, Helena hadn't proven herself particularly suited to HQ life in her first days as an agent. Barely after RC ∞'s first mission, she made an utter mess of her part of the RC – a large patch of the wall drenched in eyesore colours from her toying with paint, the entire place smelling like a dumpster from the sweat-pearls gathered on their first mission. That coupled with her and Sheen's disagreement over obtaining Pixie Dust lead them to a rather heated argument. For this reason, Fáelán decided to leave Sheen out of this mission in order to save himself from nuisance.
My name is Wisteria Greenleaf, daughter of Lord Thranduil of Mirkwood and I am a skin-changer. The power itself was given to me by my mother but the gift wasn't given to my older brother Legolas. This form of skin-changing I have is rare because I can change into the forms of many animals instead of just one.
"'Kay, let's get right to it," Fáelán said, his face scrunched up from the opening narration blaring in his head. School-issued magical pen out and uncapped, he started taking notes. "Not remotely elvish name, treating 'Greenleaf' as a last name, being Legolas's uncanonical sister, being overpowered, being asked by Gandalf to join the quest for Erebor… hey! What are you doing?"
While Fáelán was in the middle of scribbling away, Helena snatched his notebook and his pen. In absence of definitive information on the Sue's physical appearance, the Word World had taken to filling in the blanks, rendering her skin and clothes in mind-screwing grey tinted with just a hint of wisteria purple glitter. "Relax, I'm returning 'em to you shortly; I gotta take note of the Sue's aesthetics before it's too late. Just look at her; for a ridiculous creature mucking up Tolkien universe, she has awfully good colour combination. That eye-searing white hair on that depressing purple-grey body, what's not to love?"
"I take back what I said about your fitting in Pomefiore. Vil is so going to smite your rear off," Fáelán said.
Chapter 2
I padded through the underbrush in the form of a wolf. A white wolf at that, which was the form that I was infamous as. The Ghost Wolf, most of Middle Earth knew that form as. I heard a twig snap behind me and I pounced on the creature that had made the noise. […] I then realized that the creature that I had pounced on was none other than Bilbo Baggins, […]
"I can never work up the courage to be wild like you," Fáelán said as he and Helena, now disguised as orcs and sitting in bushes, suffered through the lack of paragraph breaks. "The less I'm out of the ordinary, the lower the chances I become the town laughingstock. You know how much I hate being the centre of attention, you can bet I'd pretty much die instantly if I ever had to walk through a crowd with rainbow checkers painted all over my body."
"You think I haven't done exactly that?" Helena said. "It's great to be different sometimes; that way you can create something refreshing and avoid being boring and clichéd."
"You don't understand," Fáelán interrupted. "My dorm head Malleus is next to rule his country and has super strong magic, but everyone is afraid of him and he's rarely ever invited to school gatherings. Vil, who heads Pomefiore, is the second most beautiful person in the world and he fusses every day about keeping a good public image. Idia, heads Ignihyde, is known by the entire school as that weirdo who never leaves his room. I don't know about you, but I've yet to see a 'different' person with a good life."
The notebook page, slightly torn from being yanked out of Helena's grasp, now bore the following writing jotted down during the previous chapter: throwing a tantrum at Gandalf over mother's death, assaulting Thorin for same reason, annoyingly showing off Sue powers, naming horse "Kira", turning Bilbo's door red.
"Mary Sues are funny, aren't they?" Fáelán said, bemusedly watching Bilbo having to carry the entire party's luggage from being described as in freight. "What good is there sticking out of the setting like a sore thumb?"
In another annoying bout of Sue showing-off, Thorin confronted the Sue over her behaviour only to have her talk down to him thus, "What I mean, Thorin, is that you have to learn when someone is joking or when they mean what they say seriously." Her condescension did not stop there.
"I know that many men, may they be dwarf, men, or elf, take everything seriously. Trust me, I have an older brother and a father at home. No mother at all whatsoever. She's dead and there's nothing that I can do about it. But when you are the only female figure in your life, you have to learn when enough is enough. And with my father, that line was very clear. He wouldn't let me joke with him even at a very young age. Death can change anyone, for better or for worse. You have to decide how death changes you Thorin Oakenshield." I then stepped off the cave edge and transformed into an eagle, flying off into the night sky.
The agents, mildly irritated by the Sue's attitude, looked up at Sue-eagle high up in the air. Helena didn't know much to say beyond, "Filus, I think we have a problem."
Chapter 3
"The Sue can transform into flying animals, and pretty much any animal she feels like at a moment's notice. How do we catch her?" Helena asked once she and Fáelán, disguised as wood elves, found themselves drenched by a down pour at the border of Mirkwood. Before them, the journeying party entered as area of forest land – briefly turned into sixteen walking Mirkwood scale models before setting foot into the forest. The Sue transformed into a centaur then whined about her fur's not being waterproof, which did not make the agents feel any better.
"You know how I feel about magic Gandalf. It always comes with a price. That's why I never make deals with wizards."
"Magic, huh? I have an idea," Fáelán said, then started working the portal generator.
Fáelán had mixed feelings about being back in his home universe again, but it needed to be done. Deep in a random forest somewhere in Twisted Wonderland, a certain shapeshifting elven Sue was being held to the ground by magical restraints; turned out, having only shapeshifting made her not quite measure up to an actual wizard with a much more diverse skillset under his belt. Magical pen in hand, Fáelán stood intimidatingly before the bound Sue, while Helena, disguised as a generic human woman, read the charges.
"As full of artistic potential as you are, we must stop you for posing serious danger to the Tolkien universe. Wisteria Greenleaf, you are charged with having a name that's invalid in elvish; being an unnecessary non-canonical relative to canon characters; having ridiculous superpowers; being favoured over Legolas for no reason; being a superfluous addition to the adventuring party; being annoyingly obnoxious over your mother's death, including but not limited to antagonizing and assaulting Thorin; and finally being a Mary Sue. For this reason, you're being slain."
With a few button presses, the Sue was portalled back into Middle-earth – right on top of Mount Doom lava. The agents meanwhile headed out of the badfic and into the dubious comfort of their RC.
"That was the coolest thing I've ever seen," Helena piped up. "You really are the most awesome fairy I've ever met. Everything about you is unlike any fairy I've ever known, and now you can dispatch Sues easily too? You have my eternal respect for that!"
"Will you knock it off?" Fáelán said, staring worriedly at the blot collected in his magical stone. "You're the most annoying person I've ever met."
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