[MISSION] Of Elves and Sue Colours
- The Formless Narrator
- Aug 15, 2022
- 6 min read
The fairies go on their first mission and don't get along as much as they should.
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: implied nudity, indecent exposure.
The fic, titled "Lady of the Ocean", was written by ChanSanKun and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it.
The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.
Chapter 1
Legolas stood bewteen two trees in Mirkwodd, his beloved home. Nobody knew what purpose this served, for he seemed quite comfortable between the trees but also as if he were waiting for someone. But, since he was the prince of the elves, no one dared to ask him. He didn't seem uneasy or plastered but kind of excited though his ever stern face showed no real sign of any feelings, just as usual. He stood there for hours, the soft cool air of this night dancing through his golden hair and his beautifully rugged clothing.
Amidst the damp darkness of Mirkwood, thick with the smell of rotten leaves and sticky with giant spider silk, three wood-elves waited around for anything at all to come along and end the boredom, Mirkwodd the mini-Balrog at their feet notwithstanding. Tired of watching Legolas stand like a statue for hours on end with facial expression constantly alternating between stoic and excited, the three took the time to have a chat.
"Yes, I've gotten training, but they really don't give you time to breathe, don't they? I barely introduced myself, and already we're on a mission," said one of the three, a heavy-set ellon with messy black hair. "Everything is so wild, I might get a heart attack any minute. I never expected our console would be modified to look like a Dark Mirror!"
"Wild is life, Filus dear. I don't see the point in a life of repetition and boring familiarity," replied one of his companions, a blonde elleth. "For a non-nature pixie, especially one making art for a living, getting to leave Pixie Hollow for a whole new world full of oddities is a one-in-a-million blessing."
"Well, I am non-nature and I find it anything but a blessing," said the last member of the trio, a gangly ellon with a black ponytail and a posh accent. "My entire life is upside down, I might get fired from the Mill once I come back, and I can't even find poppy seed scones anywhere. I don't see the point in breaking rules and established routines; it makes things not work smoothly and, horror of horrors, you can even get kicked out of whatever you're in. That reminds me, shouldn't we focus on our duty: protecting Lord of the Rings canon? Look, the Mary Sue is coming."
Much to the Suefluence-induced awe of generic Mirkwood residents and the bafflement of the agents, it felt as if the soft cool air was filled with music, though no one could hear it, and it also seemed as if a light went trough the deep forest of Mirkwood, only there was no light, but the people felt easier und warmer in ther hearts. The blonde, phosphorescent elven Sue came riding in on a white horse, clad in an outfit that in turn alternated between opaque, saran-wrap transparent to the point of leaving exactly zero of her body to the imagination, and straight-up turned into a blob of water flooding around her fair-skinned body due to contradictory descriptions and awkward similes.
"That's an intriguing shade of blue in her eyes right there," Helena commented once the shock at the Sue's garbs somewhat wore off. "Lightest, deepest sparkling ocean blue; it's quite a feat to make a single colour from strongly clashing shades and make it sparkle. I now consider it my life's mission to recreate that glorious colour, leep splue!"
"For goodness's sake, it's a Sue colour. You should not want to recreate it," Sheen said. "Sues are our enemies; we should hate them, not be awed at their ridiculous features! Aren't you annoyed at the horror this thing is inflicting on canon? What will our higher-ups say if they catch us being Sue sympathizers?"
"So her name is Galadrina, which I believe is not valid in any Middle-earth language," Fáelán said as he watched the Sue interact most comically with Legolas and the people of Mirkwood, culminating in her falling and losing conciousness for no apparent reason. Legolas tried to help her, but his servants were busy fawning over her and letting out simultaneous "aww" at her, no doubt from being dictated as looking in aw. "She's also apparently the only daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn, even though such a character already exists in canon. Oh, and she's already trying to seduce Legolas. Huge Sue warning signs. Also, my goodness that dress. She seriously wears that in public?"
"See, Mr Portavius is doing an excellent job," Sheen said, patting Fáelán's shoulder. "He's closer to being a normal PPC agent than we thought."
Helena rolled her eyes.
After some hours Elrond was taking loving care of her, she stopped moaning and her face got cooler. He, either, noticed her enigmatic but also cute qualities. He had touched her soft, but voluptious legs and she was also wearing no underware, so he had seen all her womanhood and it made him think of how lonely he was... how much he wanted someone to live at his side and who he could love...
"You are an unbelievable person," Sheen said to Fáelán, none of his prior attitude left, after the latter took the time to properly introduce himself as another handful of hours were wasted on Elrond's healing the Sue. "How do you even work up the courage to just up and drop out of school? Have you ever thought of the consequences? How will you ever have a job, considering your sense of responsibility and your attitude towards school regulations?"
"I'm not even in that world anymore, do you think they can do anything about it?" Fáelán said. "Besides, no 'consequences' measure up to the fact living there sucks, and I have no choice but to pack it."
"Filus is right; you have to break the rules sometimes, you know. Inventions and discoveries are made by breaking the rules," Helena said as she and Rivendale crouched on the healing room floor gathering pearls that had rolled towards them from the Sue's bed. "This Sue is trampling all over the work of good Tolkien and we need to put her down eventually, but what's wrong with easing up on the hate-the-Sue doctrine a bit and thinking this creature is a mine of prime artistic material? Look at her glorious blolden honde hair and the smelly pearls she's sweating!" Blolden honde, of course, was the name she gave the honey-golden blonde colour the Sue's hair was apparently in, and the pearls reeking of unpleasant odour came from the description that her sweat looked like little clear pearls.
They weren't even done with the first chapter, but Fáelán was fed up. He cried, "You two are missing the real objective here! Stop wasting time and get the mission done so we can go home!"
Chapter 2
A strange thought came to Legolas's mind: Was it love that he felt for her...? No! That was just impossible! He was the prince of the elves, he was not allowed to fawn like a schoolboy!
This was the moment that ended the observation after half a chapter of the Sue's body constantly morphing like an oversized mass of sentient clay from descriptions of how smeone that tall and strong, but yet graceful could make hersef that small, cute and cuddly and her hands were slender and delicate, yet strong, but soft and tender, plus the appearance of Erlond for good measure. "Lady Galadrina Wavesong, you are under arrest on orders of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum," Sheen announced to the confusion of the Sue and Legolas. "Charges against you include replacing Celebrían, the canonical only daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn; making Arwen still somehow exist despite replacing her mother; having a name that's impossible in Middle-earth languages; making Legolas and Elrond disgustingly infatuated with you; having no concept of public decency; never shutting up about how beautiful and special you are; having a constantly shifting appearance due to contradictory descriptions; creating the Sue colours leep splue and blolden honde; creating minis; and last but not least being a Mary Sue. For all your crimes, you shall be executed summarily."
The Sue was then portalled into the lava of Mount Doom, while Legolas was neuralyzed.
The mission ended in success, but none of the agents were particularly happy. "Ah, I could have observed the Sue some more and discovered more artistic merits to her which I can emulate, if not for Mister Fussy-Mussy-Follow-Orders," Helena whined when she was again tiny, flying and in RC ∞, not even bothering to keep her voice down.
Of course, Sheen was not in the mood to take her remark sitting down. "Well, without Mister Fussy-Mussy-Follow-Orders, you would've been lost in the fic, killed by the Sue, or in the absolute worst case scenario, fired, thanks to that artistic passion of yours. Honestly, you're the hardest person I've ever worked with."
"Both of you are hard to work with," Fáelán said. "And they said being partnered with you will make me feel more at home."
The Fairy Godfathers' adventure had only begun.
Minis:
Mirkwodd (adopted by Linstar)
Rivendale (adopted by Al's Waiter)
Erlond (adopted by Shella)
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