[MISSION] Of Misandry and Falling Dividers

The fic will benefit from proper capitalization as well as a lot of other things, but for now we can enjoy another one of our agents' misadventures.

Warning for mild swearing.

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The fic cited in this story, titled "Sword's Lover" belongs to Asamimi and they're allowed to keep or do whatever they want with it.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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"Ugh, five tries and still…" Momoka groaned at the sorry result her Onmyōji gacha spree threw at her. Five ten-rolls, exactly three SRs among a deluge of Rs, no SSR or SP in sight. To add insult to injury, Kaguya did exactly one ten-roll, yet got two copies of Onigiri plus an SP skin for good measure. Biting back the urge to stick a fist through the screen, she promptly opened the in-game shop.

But before she could make a real-money purchase, her master stopped her. "Momo. Didn't you already spend enough today?" Kaguya said.

"It's… it's unfair." she complained. "Why did I roll so many times and get only garbage, yet Kaguya-sama only rolled once and got two SSRs in a row? Even though this is a pick-up?"

"Don't you have a few SSRs already? You'll get another sooner or later." Kaguya reassured her. "Don't waste money, I'll put my shikigami up for borrowing until you get your own."

He then gave her a charming smile that never failed to make her heart flutter time and again.

Hazama Kaguya was indeed a creature of walking contradictions. He was the rich one, yet he was more restrained in his spending. He was the guy, yet he was prettier. He was the traditional one, yet he played video games. He was neck-deep in Japanese culture, yet he tutored her in English. It was one of the many reasons he intrigued her, he was lovely beyond measure…

[BEEEEEEEEEP]

The piercing shriek nearly knocked Momoka over, and she scrambled to her feet and made a beeline for the other room. The intelligence report upon the console screen provided a summary consisting of only one vague sentence – "Forbidden love between Sword and a woman" – that nevertheless gave just enough information for Momoka to call, "It's a TouRabu fic again-- what the…"

Kaguya's "angry mode" was in full swing – he emerged from the other room donning a snowman suit, a coffee-drinking hedgehog in his hair, a sunglasses-wearing smoking dog on his shoulder, ridiculously long spaghetti draped around his neck, makeup still impeccable on his face.

Momoka was speechless and the formless narrator beseeches the reader to forget earlier words about how lovely beyond measure our botchan was.

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Aruji's Sister

The fic thankfully had better punctuation, but the environment around the agents was still rendered in a frustrating beige. Momoka again put her young master in Shinsengumi garb, but selected for herself a form that was easier to work in – an oversized bipedal fox that uncannily resembled Giant Konnosuke, albeit with blue facial markings rather than red. So far, so good, the agents stood side by side in a corner of the Citadel courtyard, but then the first line of the fic used the nonexistent term toudanshi, and Kaguya ended up in the pond, a lily pad atop his head.

Something looking like a monstrous spider exuding malicious aura, like a miniature version of an enemy chū-wakizashi, crawled up Momoka's fluffy front leg. The character string toudanshi was emblazoned on one of its legs.

Momoka almost dropped the notebook and pencil into the pond; without superfluous spaces to trap them in zero-gravity, she would have to face the full brunt of her master's "angry mode". Panicking, she decided to hastily stuff toudanshi the mini-Revisionist into the Bag of Holding and hope it wouldn't escape. Before she could do anything else, her master was already upside-down in the nearest tree, crying, "What on earth is this horrid capitalization?"

Momoka, with a large and bulky body, soon had to chase her master down as he kept dashing around out of her grasp like a frustrating game of high-speed whack-a-mole while the fic happened around them. The swords were going about their lives when the Sue showed up at the Citadel greeting them with konnichiwa ("Gratuitous Japanese! You should be saying gomen kudasai!" Kaguya cried while handstanding on the pond bridge's handrail). Apparently the voice and presence of a woman was so world-rockingly surprising that all the swords immediately dropped whatever they were doing in awe of her ("How do they function in society then?" he said, now rolling on a roof). Momoka finally caught up with him as he stood on one toe atop a stone lantern…

… then the fic stubbornly refused to refer to Kiyomitsu and Yasusada by name in favour of calling them the red sword and the blue sword respectively for a while. The sight of those two temporarily rendered with red and blue skin caused Kaguya to end up with the lantern on top of his head.

It was as undignified as it could get, and Momoka realized she had no choice. "Forgive me, Kaguya-sama." she said before removing the lantern. In one swift move, she toppled him over backwards and grabbed his ankle while he continued to angrily mutter.

The Sue, whom the fic informed as having long brown straight, thus stumping the Word World for a while until it decided to render her with a long wooden cane in her hand, revealed that she was the saniwa's older sister and demanded that Kiyomitsu and Yasusada take her to see her little brother. The scene changed in a disorienting shift, not forgetting to toss three hashes used as a divider at Momoka's head.

Still dragging Kaguya by the ankle, she found herself across the hallway from Saniwa's Room, inside which Hasebe and the saniwa were talking ("I said aruji is not a name!" Kaguya grumbled). The Okita swords and the Sue arrived outside the door and Kiyomitsu open the door to reveal Him, Yasusada and the brown hair woman in office wear, at which point Kiyomitsu briefly morphed into a certain villain from The Powerpuff Girls and the Sue into a walking ball of brown hair dressed in office clothes.

Kaguya could do nothing but thrash on the floor like a landed fish.

"so... this is how you welcoming your sister, we hardly ever met and you're so cold to me". the woman come closer to Aruji and pouting.

The exchange that followed saw the Sue irritatingly insist that an accommodation be reserved for her in the Citadel because she just need(ed) time to break and a little vacation. so she decided to stay at here for a while. its okay right? ^_^, while the saniwa tried to reason with her that the place was populated entirely by men and there were no empty rooms left. At this, Momoka didn't wait for her master to be annoyed.

"Gosh, this lady is a bitch." she said, ducking the falling emoticon. "Who are you to demand that your brother let you stay in the Citadel? The saniwa has no obligation to let you freeload on them because you had a fight with your boyfriend! Heck, the Hazama didn't have to take in some orphaned girl and pay her living expenses either; you could at least show some measure of gratitude that the saniwa is letting you stand in the Citadel!"

"but.. they're a man now, you know man hormone rights. also with your habit wear some revealed cloth" Said Aruji with sweetdrop.

The rage that statement caused in Kaguya was enough for him to break free from his maid's grasp – it helped that she let her guard down and loosened her grip on his ankle during her little rant. When she realized, it was too late; she could only hear his voice echoing from down the hallway, "How do you have the unmitigated gall to say that in front of male subordinates? As a man, I take that personally!"

Ignoring the shower of drop sweets raining down on the saniwa's head right before Hasebe informed them there was a room for the annoying Sue, Momoka chased after her master into the next chapter. However, right then the saniwa's internal monologue ("now Hasebe just fall for her charmed already") rang in her head, prompting a shouted remark, "Like hell he'll fall for that bitch of a Sue!"

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The Meeting

The second chapter began with Hasebe's gathering the swords for an announcement. Not too far from them yet out of their sight under protection of a SEP field, a giant bipedal Konnosuke with blue markings had a kicking and thrashing man in Shinsengumi garb slung over her shoulder. There was only enough time for Kaguya to complain about Izuminokami's calling his friend Horikawa rather than Kunihiro when the needlessly short scene wrapped up, hitting them both with a scene change and three more hashes.

Momoka had to bear the pain, both from the hashes' hitting her head and her master's pulling her tail and her fur; it was either that or chase him all over the place again. They found themselves just outside a main hall where all toudanshi were gathered ("Is proper terminology so hard?" Kaguya whined). The saniwa then arrived, followed by Hasebe, Okita swords and an attractive woman in her mid twenties with long brown straight hair that waving while she walked make all of toudanshi eyes fixed on her.

The CAD was howling inside the Bag, a smell of burning electronics and sanity wafted out.

"Hajimemashite, My name is (Name) also all of you can call me Nee-san ^_^. like my brother said I'm an annalist so I know all about your history. and I plan to stay here for vacation,Yoroshiku^-^" (Name) Introduced herself

Out of concern for her master's wellbeing as well as her own, Momoka portalled the two right out of the scene, timely avoiding two falling emoticons.

The agents landed in the next scene, in which the Kunihiro brothers plus Izuminokami discussed how beautiful (Name) was, including notoriously stoic and standoffish Yamanbagiri. The burning CAD smell grew stronger. Kaguya was scratching Momoka's back with reckless abandon muttering something about Mary Sue croquettes, but she felt no pain.

She only felt rage.

"Goodness me, why does everyone like that bitch?" she grumbled while (Nama) the mini-Sue crawled up her face. In order to prevent herself from just hunting down and giving (Name) a hearty slap for bewitching the sword boys, she promptly crushed the mini-Sue in her paw and took herself and her master out of the chapter.

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Izuminokami's Feeling pt. 1

"God damn it!" Momoka groaned, for what greeted the two in the next chapter was even worse: Izuminokami and Horikawa were in bed, the former thinking of how stunning and gorgeous (Name) was, how he could never stop think about her and how he'd never met a woman ever since he manifested a human form.

Kaguya had vanished from Momoka's shoulder.

Shortly after, she heard shouting coming from the hallway ceiling, ornamented aplenty with lots of hitting and banging and squawking and meowing and a medley of undefined other noises. "Nene! Tomoe Gozen! Ōhime! Loads of swords were wielded by women!" the shouting voice went. "Besides, the swords were used in and are living in a Japanese society that's never said to be and has no reason to be extremely different from Japan in the real world! None of them should be acting this way about a woman!"

Right then the scene changed to In the Morning, causing Kaguya to fall on top of Momoka and knock her to the floor. The fic decided to get creative with the divider, and thus three asterisks were tossed at them instead.

Momoka had to shove her master out of the way and hide as soon as she got up; (Name) was strolling by musing to herself. (Name) then had a totally pointless exchange with Tsurumaru, Shokudaikiri and Ōkurikara, at which point a creature resembling a palm-sized version of an enemy tachi perched on Momoka's shoulder. The character string Shoukudaikiri was sewn on its hat.

"Tsurumaru doesn't have an accent… oof!" Kaguya exclaimed before Momoka sat on his back, drastically lowering his chances of wandering off.

"Hmm... maybe you're rights, Mitsubou. (Name)-chan appearance this morning is little bit exposed. This is the first time I looked woman with that slightly exposed outfit, because of that I almost can see her body curve through the thin fabric she wear just like the picture in a book that aruji show us about human anatomy. " added Tsurumaru

The Sue left, but the fic continued to tick both agents off: yet another discussion about how hot (Name) is, even notoriously solitary and standoffish Ōkurikara blushes over (Name). To add insult to injury, an author's note – (in this story I make that Aruji teach the swords about human body especially the different between man and woman body) – blasted at them out of left field, leading to a complaint from Kaguya about how nonsensical this is mixed with barely coherent cries about gorillas, monthly magazines and bee eggs.

Momoka had had enough. The sword boys were being disrespected, her master was being annoyed. It was time to end the Sue…

… and then the scene transitioned, tossing at her another bout of asterisks.

Swallowing her anger, she focused on keeping her master on the floor and watching the fic events. (Name) ran into Izuminokami at the entrance to the bathroom, but since the fic worded it as she's bumping a person and they bump each other, they ended up hitting one another. Unable to stand watching a sword boy hit by a Sue, she called, "Hey Mary Sue! Um, on orders of the Protectors of the…"

… and that was it. Both Izuminokami and (Name) stared at the giant fox sitting on a human's back in awkward silence. Momoka hadn't quite memorized the phrase, and she forgot to write down the charges.

Suddenly, a hash flew past her and beaned (Name)'s head. Momoka felt relieved, knowing who threw it.

"On orders of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum," Kaguya said in English, voice muffled by the floor, "we hereby charge you with cruelty to both the English and Japanese languages; turning the swords into hormonal idiots who've never seen a woman; turning the saniwa into a misandric jerk; being loved by all despite being demanding, entitled and annoying; interfering with the characterizations of canon characters; creating minis; overusing scene changes; using emoticons in text; being a Mary Sue; and finally making my partner angry. For all of the aforementioned, your sentence is death. Do you have any last words?"

Momoka nodded in agreement even as she couldn't understand many of the words he used. Even as he was lying undignified on the floor under a giant animal's bum, he saved her, and that made him cool enough to her eyes.

"Ohayo." the Sue said. "I'm on vacation and I sleep anywhere I like, yoroshiku ne ^o^"

Nothing else was said; an unamused Momoka took from the Bag a kitchen knife, which she promptly threw at (Name)'s throat. The Sue's lifeless body was then portalled into space, never to be found again.

Momoka finally stood up, allowing an exhausted Kaguya to scramble to his feet and take care of neuralyzing Izuminokami before the agents left the fic, never to return again.

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"I am terribly sorry for not being of much help again." Momoka, out of her disguise, said with her head down after removing the snowman suit as well as the assorted other things that reappeared on her master's body. "I spent most of the mission just chasing you, I forgot to write down charges, I couldn't sentence or work the neuralyzer. I caused much trouble, and for that I apologize."

A second of silence, then Kaguya gently smiled.

"Come on, don't think lowly of yourself." he said. "Our missions succeeded because of you. If anything, it should be me who needs to apologize to you. It was me who involved you in my struggle in the first place, and it was me who needed your constant assistance in order to follow the fics. Without you, I would've been lost in a fic, left to die alone or at the mercy of a Sue. To make it up to you, I'll write the charge list for you and pay for two more gacha ten-rolls. How does that sound?"

That as well as the bright smile on his face made Momoka's pink eyes light up. "Kaguya-sama, I can never thank you enough." she said.

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Minis (all up for adoption):

• toudanshi

• Shoukudaikiri

Mini-Sues/Stus:

• (Nama)