[MISSION] Of Gourmet and Boredom

In which Momoka has a teeny tiny little wish.

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The fic cited in this story, titled "new waka-sama" is constructed by the writer of this blog and doesn't actually exist; any resemblance to real, specific badfics or other content, including screen names, is purely coincidental. Shíwùyǔ | The Tale of Food belongs to bilibili and Tencent Games.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

*As this mission's continuum is virtually unknown in English-speaking countries as of this writing and goes in depth into Chinese cuisine, footnotes aplenty, especially on the names of characters/dishes.

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Can't we go back to the ballet?

The thought flashed through Momoka's mind as she stood next to her master, notebook and pencil in hand. It had become an unspoken rule: Kaguya would shout incensed cacophony at the badfic, while she would dutifully write down everything he shouted, working whatever machinery needed along the way, perhaps pass the time talking about that hard-to-roll character or that difficult map. While she didn't think of herself as useless as much as before, she still wasn't fully satisfied; there was something else she hoped for.

It's Komori-chan's first day of her new life and shes very excited. She is choosed as new waka-sama*. Finally she don't have to go to boring school everyday anymore. She will move into Kuusou and live in a big house with a lot of hot boys made from food not like the boring geeks at school.

[WARNING! WARNING! CHARACTER REPLACEMENT! EXTERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!] cried the overheating and smoke-emitting CAD in Momoka's hand before she had to toss it into a nearby pond.

The Sue, rather than resembling the canonical female option of the player character, looked like an off-white featureless mannequin with bat wings due to her unfortunate-sounding name. "What kind of name is that?" Kaguya started his expected tirade. "Besides, that's not what the young master's background is like at all! They didn't move to Kòngsāng**, they were born and raised there; they aren't chosen randomly to lead Kòngsāng, they inherit that position from their father; and lastly, they don't go to school! Charge for replacing the canonical young master!"

It was a new continuum, new setting, new canonical characters to defend, new canon rules to remind awful OCs of, but it didn't feel new. Playing out before them was just another typical Suefic; strip the Chinese setting and the fact the fetching male characters were personifications of Chinese food rather than Japanese weapons, and the agents would practically be in yet another Touken Ranbu badfic. Momoka still didn't appreciate Komori's being too close to Fótiàoqiáng*** and turning Yángzhōu Fried Rice into a clumsy airhead in the space of three sentences, but once they were out of the scene and the charge noted down, her irritation turned into boredom.

The Sue greeted a crowd of food spirits as Minna-san hajimemashite, Im new waka-sama Komori desu, which prompted from Kaguya another complaint, "For crying out loud, you're in China! Charge for fangirl Japanese in another country!"

Once again, Momoka missed the ballet mission. Both her and her master's bodies were still aching from it, but it was refreshing. None of it was like anything they'd experienced before, from the loss of speech to the forced ballet. Not only that, the closing waltz was a delight beyond imagination; oh, what wouldn't Momoka give to dance with her master in a beautiful palace again!

Last but not least, that fic's Sue didn't romance anyone, unlike Komori who was then causing notoriously romance-averse Táohuāzhōu**** of all people to suddenly flutter in his heart and have butterflies in his stomach. ("𝓗𝓸𝔀 𝓪𝓫𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓹 𝓼𝓮𝓭𝓾𝓬𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓸𝓸𝓭 𝓼𝓹𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓼★ 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓮𝔁𝓹𝓵𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓱𝓸𝔀 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝓯𝓲𝓽𝓼 𝓲𝓷 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓰𝓪𝓶𝓮'𝓼 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓵𝓸𝓰𝓾𝓮?" Kaguya remarked)

An abrupt scene change later, the Sue revealed to Húgēng★★ she never know who my parents are, and grow up in an orphange. That alone was enough of a canon break, but then Húgēng explained to her why she was "choosed":

"Your the foodsoul of spaghetti carbana and the child of a foodsoul father and human mother, that's why you have so much powers. Your powers is strong and can protect us"

The conversation was immediately interrupted by the presence of a man with long dark hair and a woman with short white hair. "Komori, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum convict you of crimes against fanfiction and Tale of Food canon," said the man. "You are charged with having a ridiculous name; speaking fangirl Japanese in China; rendering too many canon characters OOC; having a generic sob story background, which the canonical young master doesn't have; seriously mangling the young master's backstory to the point of replacing them ouright; being a food spirit of a non-Chinese dish and a female food spirit, which doesn't happen in Tale of Food canon, as well as being a biological offspring of a food spirit, which is biologically impossible; and finally being a Mary Sue. You are thus sentenced to death."

"Kaguya-sama, wait," Momoka said. "The Sue is a food spirit. How are we going to kill her?"

Indeed, normally the agents would be in for a world of trouble, because it would take herculean efforts to truly kill a Shíwùyǔ food spirit – one could only be gone for good if the dish they represented disappeared from culinary tradition. However, that would present something unusual and thus exciting, so of course the agents couldn't have that. Instead, due to being a walking biological impossibility as well as representing the nonexistent dish of "spaghetti carbana" (without the excuse of being an attested literary figure of speech like Húgēng), the Sue vanished into thin air as soon as Momoka was done voicing her question. That left her with the job of rescuing both male and female young masters from a plot hole, then neuralyzing them as well as Húgēng.

The mission was over quickly and just as forgettably as many others before it.

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Kaguya wasn't given time to leave "angry mode"; in fact, the agents had just set foot on their RC floor when their console furiously beeped. After a few seconds reading the intel report, Momoka froze, staring blank-faced at the screen in profound shock.

"What… what is the meaning of this?" she uttered.

* What the player character is referred to in the Japanese localization; in Chinese they're called 空桑少主.

** 空桑, the heroes' 'base of operations' so to speak.

*** 佛跳墙, Buddha jumps over the wall

**** 桃花粥, peach blossom congee

★ The writer chooses to translate the canonical term 食魂 this way to avoid sounding like ripping off Food Fantasy's 'food soul', plus the latter is canonically 食霊, which is also different.

★★ 鹄羹, 'swan soup', IRL a literary figure of speech rather than an actual dish, which is most likely why this character is mechanically unusual compared to other summons.