[MISSION] Of Emergencies and Confrontations

In which calamity mounts.

Warning for general violence and mild spoilers for game canon.

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The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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Interior Hallway

The noise did not stop, and the screams grew louder, closer and more frenzied. Soon the hallways were packed with panicking students running for their lives. Immediately the male agents and Fáelán rushed to the library door, confused by the commotion. "We're under attack! The academy is invaded!" a generic student stopped in front of the group and cried.

"What happened? Who's attacking? Calm down and tell me," Fáelán said to the shuddering, panicking student.

"Two giant monsters appeared out of nowhere and started wrecking everything. Nobody knows where they came from or how they bypassed the protective force field. Even teachers can't do anything about them; we're doomed!" The poor generic was then shoved to the floor by the crowd and came very close to being trampled all over had he not gotten to his feet just in time and run away.

The agents and Fáelán were not in any hurry to run just yet; they, the agents in particular, were still in deep bewilderment. A thorough check of the Words revealed no such event happening in the fic. They knew not what next course of action to take…

… when from among the crowd a student crashed into Kaguya. "Ow! What…" the white-haired student yelped seconds before he looked up, and his expression changed completely. "Ka… Kaguya-sama? Is that you? This can't be real, right? Why are you here?"

The male agents stared for a moment at this boy with white pigtails and pink eyes before them, then it clicked. "Momo? / Momotchi? / Shigisawa-sempai?" they uttered.

Momoka was joyed beyond belief. As Kaguya let her cling to him from the front, someone else clung to him from behind. "You must be the tea ceremony guy Momie follows around all the time," said this person with blond hair, burying his face into Kaguya's blazer and inhaling its smell. "I didn't know you grew out your hair. Don't you just look fetching in this uniform; it really shows off your figure…"

"Ms Luxury, we don't have time for that! The Stu is coming for us any moment now!" Momoka interjected, not bothering to hide her bemusement.

The ground quaked again, and so the group of six joined the crowd in evacuating the building. Fáelán hesitated for a second; he wanted to tell Momoka something, but then decided against it in favour of escaping first.

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Main Street

"Dang, are ya serious?" Urato said to Momoka when the six had made it outside. "Dat Stu is fer real? Man, compared ta dat, our two Sues are nothin'!"

The Stu's gigantic two forms were looming within sight, while the library was reduced to naught but a pile of rubble. They were aiming for the female agents at any cost, while not forgetting to fire their attacks every which way they could. Meteors of fire and bolts of lightning rained down around the group; they had nothing more on their mind than to just run, not daring look back.

After a surprise came another surprise. From behind them suddenly shone a blinding blast of light, short of as bright as the sun. The Stu's attacks ceased. The light then dimmed to a safe extent, and the group turned around – and couldn't believe what they saw.

Two more giant monsters had appeared, but with far less monstrous appearances.

The male agents gasped. One of the monsters looked like an oversized teenage girl with eye-watering blue hair and frilly robes, the other an equally oversized girl with eye-scorching blonde locks and an even frillier dress. Both dyed the vast space around them with an unbelievably ethereal, beautiful, lovely, divine, godly, brilliant, splendorous aura, flavoured with a tinge of glitter at just the right concentration to make the formless narrator feel nauseous despite lacking a digestive tract.

The agents knew not whether to cry or to laugh.

"I am the daughter of Hades, who dares to challenge me?" said the blue-haired giant, to which the fire-element Stu form just grunted.

"Papa Dire is gonna be so mad" the blonde Sue giggled, and the lightning-element Stu form roared at her face.

The exchange left Momoka puzzled. "Daughter of Hades? Papa Dire?" she said. "I think your Sues are pretty hardcore stuff too."

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The Suvians no longer seemed much interested in the agents; they had decided to fight each other instead. Barrages of fireballs and lightning bolts clashed with showers of glittery stars and colourful petals. The ground was shaking even more violently than before, as though trying to topple the entire school into dust. The six couldn't stand up; every time one got to their knees, the shockwaves would knock them down. Meteors continued to rain relentlessly on the flagstone road, dangerously close to hitting them. Another hallway fell, another tower collapsed – the Sues continued to clash, unaware of the damage they caused.

Amidst mortal peril came even more mortal peril. Inasuke shrieked; a shadow loomed over the group – that of a large meteor right above them, falling towards them. They still could neither stand up nor move an inch, while death was closing in on them. They couldn't do much beyond brace themselves for the inevitable impact; their lives and their adventures were thus over…

… or so it first appeared. Inasuke opened his eyes seconds later only to find himself and all his companions still alive and breathing. Around the group was something resembling a glass dome – a force field. Creating that force field and saving them just in time from the meteor, the group saw, was a group of four people clad in NRC uniforms, standing before them with four magical pens held high and proud.

Then came a greater surprise. Outside of casting magic, the four strangers uncannily resembled the Four Demonly Kings, down to the colours of their uniforms and magical stones.

"Man, dat was close," said the Savanaclaw student, an Urato lookalike by the name of Ulrich Órfinn. "Ya alright dere? … hey wait, doncha look familiar?"

"Ulli, leave talking for later," said the Inasuke-like Heartslabyul student, or rather Iohann Ironwhisker. "You better focus on keeping your energy flow. Don't let the force field weaken."

The six still could say no words, the Four Demonly Kings most of all. Then, recalling what he wanted to tell Momoka earlier, Fáelán said to her, "No doubt about it, you're Morgan Platinfersken, Octavinelle dorm, sophomore this year… or rather you look like him." He looked at the agents sitting on the ground then at the standing students, growing more confused by the second. "What… what's going on? What is the meaning of this?"

"Alternate universe counterparts, eh? The alts going face-to-face with the real deal, this is getting interesting," Luxury commented, looking short of producing a box of popcorn. "Heh, for me of all people to say this."

The Octa student who looked like disguised Momoka, properly known as Morgan, took a glance at what was left of the meteor they blocked – glitter-stained bright blue fragments scattered on the ground alongside a smattering of glitter-stained broken mussel shells. "This is strange. Not even dorm heads and teachers combined could stop the monster's attacks earlier, yet here we are blocking and shattering it with a normal protective spell. What does this mean?"

"This means," said the Kaguya resembler, a Pomefiore student with the actual name of Cassia Kupferbäcker. "something has weakened the attacks significantly. If only we know what it is."

The second Cassia finished, another meteor hit the force field – and broke into smithereens. Upon scrutiny, the fragments were a mix of shiny gold pieces and more broken mussel shells. Before the group, Janis was wincing from a chipped fingernail, while a Stu form hopped while holding one foot from a chipped toenail.

"Ooh, I know," Urato piped up. "Since they're so heckin' powerful, when they go 'gainst 'chother, their powers cancel each other out. None o' da mages can put a finger on 'em, dat's 'cause da only one who can beat 'em must be as ludicrous as 'em!"

"That means we can just sit back in here and watch them chip away at themselves?" Inasuke said. As they spoke, glitter-infused debris showered on, shattering upon impact with the force field.

"Even if they're magically inert, these rocks can still flatten us into a bloody pulp," Cassia said. "They're heavy, I can feel it."

"Mister Cassia, are you alright?" Morgan said worriedly. "Please don't strain yourself; I can double my energy flow."

"Wait, have you forgotten what we're here for?" Momoka said. "We can't just let the Sues die without charging them. We better do it now while they haven't killed each other yet."

"Whaddever it is, make it quick. I ain't standin' here all day," Ulrich said.

"All right, Jason the Stu, listen up. The Protectors of the Plot Continuum convict you of crimes against fanfiction and Twisted Wonderland canon," Momoka shouted. "You are charged with being a 'Ninja King'; creating a nonsensical doom prophecy; having way too many powers, one of which is stolen from a canon character; insulting the school and bullying other students; making two canon characters OOC; destroying the school for no reason; having a stupid backstory that has nothing to do with Twisted Wonderland; plus creating minis!"

"Now, on to Natsumi and Janis," Kaguya cried next. "You are convicted of actually having magical powers, thereby undoing the game's entire plot as it requires the protagonist to be non-magical; replacing the canonical Prefect of Ramshackle Dorm; having outrageous 'godly' powers and implausible personalities; fangirl Japanese in a non-Japanese setting; claiming to be the daughter of the God of the Underworld and daughter of Dire Crowley; rendering Dire Crowley OOC…"

"… easily undoin' Riddle's unique magic, thus makin' da first arc redundant, takin' away Trey's role in Riddle's defeat, and negatin' Riddle's character development," Urato continued. "Spammin' yer powers like no tomorrow – ya do know dat usin' magic too much in dis canon makes ya crazy n' evil, right? Plagiarizin' text from da game; callin' original Disney characters by da wrong name – nobody knows who Hades is in dis world, they call 'im the God of the Underworld here!"

"… creating minis, and making a PPC agent have to endure a mission in a stupid continuum," Inasuke added.

"… and being Mary Sues!" Kaguya, Momoka and Urato capped off.

"This isn't looking good, they look like they're about to explode," Fáelán said amidst another bout of intense quaking. Just in time, Luxury opened a portal.

"Okay, now that the mission is accomplished, let's get out of here. Hurry up," she urged. While the students still sustained the force field, the heroes one by one crawled through the portal; the last had just made it through when the Sues finally destructed each other in a blast of glittery glory.

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The missions were over and there was none to fear; a glimpse through the portal before it closed told the group the four students survived, albeit exhausted and barely on their feet. Within the walls of RC 381, Luxury was trying to cuddle Urato despite his telling her he was gay, but there was a matter much more pressing. "Eh, why are you here… um, what's your name?" Momoka asked the rotund Diasomnia student there with them.

"FYE-lahn," he said once the shock at everything had somewhat subsided. "As strange as this place is… I think I'm not going back. I've always wanted to escape my life and escape the school for a while now; now that I'm in this totally unfamiliar place, I have the chance to remake my life and become the normal person I've always wanted to be. Why throw it away?"

"Normal? Ya wanna be normal in dis place? Are ya kiddin'…" Urato said before Inasuke elbowed his stomach and he doubled over.

"You're always welcome to be one of us any time; welcome to the PPC," Inasuke said grinning widely, hoping Fáelán hadn't heard anything Urato said.

Meanwhile, Kaguya and Momoka explained their sides of the mission to each other. The latter said after her master was done telling his story, "To think that the four of us all go to school together in the universe of a game we play; that's fascinating, is it not?"

(fin)

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A/N: Additional disclaimers: the alternate universe counterparts of agents Kaguya, Momoka, Urato and Inasuke are the creations of KnShirayuki, the writer of this blog.

Minis:

• Ss Riddle

• Night Raven Collage

• Roock Hank

• Rock Hank

• Azull (adopted)

Newly created characters (NOT up for adoption):

• Fáelán Portavius, who doesn't actually exist in the badfic but is created as a background character in the fic's environment *name is an homage to Phelan "Phelous" Porteus, a YouTube media reviewer