[MISSION] Of Boys' Days Out and Implausible Divine Parentage (pt. 2)

With a new companion along for the ride, the boys' mission continues.

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Fáelán Portavius is the invention of KnShirayuki, the writer of this blog.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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Then a blonde-haired girl walks in elegantly and I realized she looked familiar. I wiped my tears as I was now feeling upset and I glared a Grim for getting me into trouble. The blonde girl walks over and looks at me. Crowley now acting like a doting father as he was trying to coddle me as he asks,

"So the blue-haired girl claims to be the daughter of the God of the Underworld, and yet she's from another world? And that other girl claims to be the headmage's adopted daughter?" Fáelán repeated Kaguya's words, and the latter nodded his agreement. "Besides, you see, I'm from Diasomnia where everybody's powerful as heck, and even they're nowhere near this! Not even Malleus can just undo Riddle's unique magic or make the headmage act out-of-character like that! And they're about to disrupt the fabric of this world? Whatever these 'Mary Sue' creatures are, they're scary!"

While the two had their bemoaning exchange about the Sues' ludicrousness, Urato held up the CAD that was on the verge of melting and told Inasuke, "Y'know, sumthin's kinda strange. Crowley's OOC as hell, but his dialogues are perfectly in-character. All da other canons are actually pretty IC too. What's goin' on?"

[That's because their dialogues are plagiarized, you slow eggheads! Straight outta the Fandom wiki! Heck, even the chapter titles are copied!]

"Yep, I knew it," Inasuke said. "I was wondering why their dialogues are in much better English than everything else."

"Ugh, not again?" Urato groaned. "When are dese Sues gonna understand dat copyin' da source material n' just sprinklin' a few things of yer own in dere doesn't make it fanfiction? If I want da source material, I can open da game on my phone right now, and I won't hafta suffer through two annoyin' Sues ruinin' half da story n' stealin' other characters' spotlight!"

"A good piece of fanwork has just enough differences from the original to not be plagiarism, but close enough to canon to not cause damage to the continuum," Inasuke said. "Of course, if every fic understood this, we wouldn't be here."

"Got nothin' ta say to dat."

I shrugged as I simply remember I wasn't a mere mortal I was half a mortal and half goddess. Janis and I sat on the couch I conjured up as we watched.

Fáelán and Kaguya had stopped talking, a miniature version of what appeared to be an Overblotting Crowley – Night Raven Collage the newly spawned mini – ran around their feet. The fairy had understood more than he could the potential impact of the Sues, but something else seemed off. The three strangers had something about them that he faintly recognized, but for the life of him could not name…

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Recollection Blanking

Library

"Guys, I think we have a problem."

Thus was the only reaction Inasuke had upon being left in a rather tight situation. As the chapter changed, the four were dropped into the location it took place – in plain view of Crowley and the Sues. Stacked like books on top of each other on the library floor, they could only stare up at the three in what would be awkward silence if Kaguya hadn't been muttering angry gibberish.

Fáelán was still racking his brains trying to recall what it was about his three newfound companions that he found familiar.

"We don't know how to kill the Sues," Inasuke continued. "Apparently, they're ridiculously powerful magic users. How do we stand a chance against them?"

Urato's face stiffened in an expression of sheer horror – something he didn't display often. "Oh dang, haven't thoughta dat," was the only thing he could say.

"What do you mean? You should have thought of this! Now what are we gonna do? Ugh, if only Shigisawa-sempai was here!"

"What da hell does dat hafta do with anythin'?"

"Well, if I'm going to die in a stupid fic for a stupid canon with an idiot for a partner, then I may as well do so by her side!"

Before the argument could escalate, Fáelán gasped and stood up – he had recalled the familiar quality of the three agents at last. He said to them, who were just starting to get back up on their feet, "When it's come to this, it's time to duke it out once and for all. Look, we outnumber them; if we work our magic together, we might stand a chance!"

"But we can't use magic," Inasuke said.

At this, Fáelán returned a look of incredulity. "What do you mean you can't use magic? I don't see a collar around your neck! Or did you make a deal with Azul?"

"No, seriously…"

"Did you fail a potion assignment? Have you used too much magic recently?"

"But…"

"This is no time to joke! Didn't you say these two will destroy the world? Aren't you going to do something about them?"

"Will you listen?" Inasuke shouted over him. "We really can't use magic; we're ordinary humans on an undercover operation to get rid of dangerous Mary Sues infiltrating the school. Thanks to this idiot over here, we don't know how to defeat these two ludicrously powerful creatures, there's a 99% chance we're going to die, and we can do nothing about it."

Tense silence fell over the group as Crowley, the Sues and Fáelán were all stunned in puzzlement. The last stared at Inasuke for a while, not daring blink, until at last he spoke up,

"… You're not Iohann Ironwhisker?"

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It was the agents' turn to be confused. "What… what did you say?" Inasuke uttered. "I'm not what?"

"I'm pretty sure you're Iohann Ironwhisker, Heartslabyul dorm, sophomore this year, and if you're not, then you resemble him to a scary degree," Fáelán said, then pointed at Urato and Kaguya. "You're Ulrich Órfinn, Savanaclaw, and you're Cassia Kupferbäcker, Pomefiore, all in the same year. I've seen you, nay, I've done group assignments with all of you in my electives! You all get better grades than me, and you've all discovered your unique magics before me! What do you mean you can't use magic?"

He received naught but even more confused stares and a confused question from Urato, "Whatcha talkin' about?"

Then someone else in the group said, "I know what this means."

It was Kaguya, no longer speaking angry gibberish.

"If I'm correct, this means we have alternate universe counterparts in this continuum," he continued. "I was taught about this in my agent training classes; I was even taught to be careful not to accidentally bring home an alternate universe version of my partner instead of the real one. I've never encountered this phenomenon until now; how interesting indeed."

"The thing is, none of this matters!" Inasuke cried. "We still can't kill the Sues, the mission has failed, and we are going to die!"

Kaguya smiled sadly. "To think that this day would come. Even if we're unable to stop the Sues, we still have a duty to inform them of their sins. Natsumi Von Anglo and Janis Fukushima, we of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum convict you…"

But he was cut off as a booming noise sounded in the distance, followed by the screams of panicked crowds.

(to be continued)