On this mission which Momoka is luckily spared from, three of the Four Demonly Kings venture into a new continuum.
Contains mild spoilers for the canon game.
The fic, titled "Welcome to Wonderland with a Twist" doesn't fully belong to Rose and Lumine as it almost entirely consists of plagiarized translated game dialogue, but they're welcome to whatever they've created.
The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.
Natsumi Van Anglo
*a.k.a. Sue #1
Within a movie theatre setup caused by not one but two entirely unnecessary profile chapters dedicated to two Sues, sat three men donning three different dorms' variants of the Night Raven College school uniform. "Daaang, never knew Inatchi's into dis kinda stuff too," laughed one of the three, a buff, tanned, fox-eared redhead propping his feet upon the seat before him. His uniform bore the yellow-and-black colour scheme of the Savanaclaw dorm. "It ain't often that ya like actually good stuff. Why dincha tell me sooner?"
"I saw Disney, I downloaded. I didn't expect they'd make this kind of stuff too." came the answer from an irritated 145 cm brunet. His uniform was unmistakably Heartslabyul, with the red-and-black colour scheme. "I only stuck around for a bit because of the cute cat, and I've never played beyond chapter 1. Quit sniggering."
They would have scuffled much longer and totally forgotten about the fic were they not interrupted by a mighty roar neither of them could comprehend, coming from a bespectacled dark-haired man in purple-and-red Pomefiore uniform behind them, "𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕕𝕠 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕘𝕒𝕞𝕖 𝕚𝕤𝕟'𝕥 𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕦𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝕤𝕖𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕁𝕒𝕡𝕒𝕟, 𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥? ℝ𝕠𝕠𝕜 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝔼𝕡𝕖𝕝 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕟𝕠 𝕓𝕦𝕤𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕪𝕠𝕦 ℍ𝕚𝕞𝕖-𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟! ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕘𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕗𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕚𝕣𝕝 𝕁𝕒𝕡𝕒𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕖 𝕤𝕡𝕠𝕜𝕖𝕟 𝕓𝕪 𝕟𝕠𝕟-𝕁𝕒𝕡𝕒𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕖 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕤 𝕚𝕟 𝕒 𝕟𝕠𝕟-𝕁𝕒𝕡𝕒𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕖 𝕤𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘! 𝕀'𝕞 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟 𝕘𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕠𝕟 𝔼𝕡𝕖𝕝'𝕤 𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕦𝕒𝕝 𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕪! 𝔹𝕖𝕤𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕤, ℂ𝕣𝕠𝕨𝕝𝕖𝕪 𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕪𝕠𝕦 ℙ𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕖𝕤𝕤? ℝ𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪?"
One only had narrative laws of comedy to blame for putting Inasuke on a mission with two people he couldn't stand.
First, it tossed him and Urato into RC 381 again. Second, it had Momoka conveniently out buying snacks. Third, it made Urato decide to have a "boys' day out". Fourth, it made Inasuke agree to it, somehow. There might or might not be a fifth in there somewhere. As a result, Inasuke was now missioning a fic for a game he didn't play anymore, one irritating man prattling at him from his side, another irritating man yelling at the screen from behind.
"Dang, n' I thought we fin'lly had a fandom in common. Guess we'll never enjoy 'nythin' together then."
"Your father is Hades? Are you kidding me? The game's entire story hinges on the prefect's being an ordinary human; charge for being an improbable being that destroys the story by existing!"
"Momotchi plays dis game too, 's well as TouRabu 'n a few others. Why dontcha try playin' some'a her stuff?"
"ᵀʰᵉ ʰᵉᵃᵈᵐᵃᵍᵉ ᵈᵒᵉˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ˢᵖᵒⁱˡ ᵃⁿʸᵒⁿᵉ! ᶜʰᵃʳᵍᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ᶜᵒˡᵒᵘʳ⁻ᶜʰᵃⁿᵍⁱⁿᵍ ʰᵃⁱʳ! ᵀʰᵉ ᴾʳᵉᶠᵉᶜᵗ ᵒᶠ ᴿᵃᵐˢʰᵃᶜᵏˡᵉ ᴰᵒʳᵐ ⁱˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ˢᵘᵖᵖᵒˢᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵃⁿʸ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳˢ; ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵃⁿᵒⁿ ⁿᵃʳʳᵃᵗⁱᵛᵉ ʷⁱˡˡ ᶠᵃˡˡ ᵃᵖᵃʳᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵖˡᵉᵗᵉˡʸ ⁱᶠ ᵗʰᵉʸ ᵈᵒ! ᴵ'ᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ᵍᵉᵗᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ʷʰᵒˡᵉ ᵈᵉᵐⁱ ᵍᵒᵈᵈᵉˢˢ ⁿᵒⁿˢᵉⁿˢᵉ!"
To make matters worse, Inasuke would be enduring it without Momoka around to make it bearable.
Janis Fukushima
*a.k.a. Sue #2
"Dude, Floyd nicknames peeps after sea animals. No way he be callin' ya Little Usagi-chan. 'Sides, doesn't Rook nickname folks in French?"
Once the profile of the second Sue rolled around, Urato had lost interest in needling Inasuke and was reacting to the fic alongside angry and roaring Kaguya. Inasuke, having nothing useful to contribute, ended up watching his two partners make effective fools of themselves.
Most of all Janis's magical beauty and charms were so gloriously flawless and enchanting she is without a doubt the most beautiful, most stunning, and most fabulous thing of all planet earth itself and the most sublime, most splendorous, and most exquisite of all the Leo deities, the Leo angels and all the Leo stars and all the Leos in the universe and all leos dead or alive. She is most certainly every bit as divine, ethereal, heavenly and breathtaking and magnificent, and enticing as the Greek Goddess Aphrodite.
The lengthy urple prose waxing poetic of, among many things, hair like gold, amber and ember and personality traits that included can do no wrong and perfect, caused Urato and Kaguya to shout even louder. Inasuke blocked his ears and groaned; more than ever, he badly wanted Momoka to be by his side. He recalled the mission he went on with her; she paid attention to him, explained the continuum to him, even apologized when she thought she didn't do a good enough job. These irresponsible buffoons too engrossed in their fandom and the badfic to notice their surroundings on the other hand…
"←Goodness← ↑me↑, →NRC→ ↓is↓ ←an← ↑all-boy↑ →academy→ ↓and↓ ←being← ↑Crowley's↑ →adopted→ ↓daughter↓ ←does← ↑not↑ →equal→ ↓permission↓ ←to← ↑study↑ →there→! ↓It's↓ ←not← ↑how↑ →schools→ ↓work↓! ←Besides←, ↑what↑ →on→ ↓earth↓ ←does← ↑any↑ →of→ ↓this↓ ←have← ↑to↑ →do→ ↓with↓ ←Twisted← ↑Wonderland↑?"
Worst boys' day out ever, Inasuke concluded.
Welcome to Night Raven College
As the Sues' profiles wrapped up, the theatre set-up vanished unceremoniously and dumped the agents butt-first into the uncanonical location of an abandoned warehouse in Tokyo Japan, where the blue-haired first Sue Natsumi was to hide from a mean old hag in the orphanage she lived in. Amidst an uneventful and rather clichéd opening scene, Inasuke was the first to speak up.
"How can they do this to Disney… I mean, how can Disney do this to themselves?" he said. "This is just… unlike them. I thought Western media were above this annoying trend of turning everything into glitzy-looking boys and belly-baring girls! I might be fine with swords turned into pretty boys, but can't children's cartoons be left out of this? What else will be given the pretty boy gacha game treatment, Strawberry Shortcake? Peppa Pig? Baby diaper brands?"
While Urato snorted and the formless narrator thinks a pretty boy story based on Strawberry Shortcake might actually be a good idea, Kaguya cut in, still in that hideous "angry mode" voice of his, "ᴛʀᴇɴᴅ ᴏʀ ɴᴏ, ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴀᴍᴇ ɪꜱ ꜱᴛɪʟʟ ᴀ ᴡᴇʟʟ-ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴄᴏᴍᴘᴇʟʟɪɴɢ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇɴɢᴀɢɪɴɢ ɢᴀᴍᴇᴘʟᴀʏ. ᴀꜱ ᴘᴘᴄ ᴀɢᴇɴᴛꜱ, ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜꜱᴛ ᴅᴇꜰᴇɴᴅ ɪᴛ ᴀᴛ ᴀʟʟ ᴄᴏꜱᴛ. ɪ'ᴅ ᴅɪᴇ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ɪ ʟᴇᴛ ᴛᴡᴏ ɪʀʀɪᴛᴀᴛɪɴɢ ꜱᴜᴇꜱ ᴡᴀɴᴅᴇʀ ɴʀᴄ ᴄᴀᴍᴘᴜꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ꜰᴜɴᴅᴀᴍᴇɴᴛᴀʟʟʏ ʀᴜɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ."
Of course, neither Urato nor Inasuke understood a word he said. This lead the former to tell the latter, "Oi, save ya chit-chat fer later, we gotta huge problem here. Y'see…"
But before Urato finished, a plot hole opened below them and dropped them into the next chapter. Perhaps the fic was bored of itself and wanted to spare the agents further agony.
Ceremony Breaking
"Y'see, only Momotchi understands whatever da hell is comin outta his mouth right now, but she ain't here," Urato continued. The three were now in the canonical world, safely in NRC main campus and watching the badfic antics through one of the windows to the Mirror Chamber. "If we can't understand what he says, we can't write down whatever charges he presses. What're we gonna do?"
Urato was still more concerned about the badfic than his uncomfortable partner, but finally he acknowledged the dire necessity of Momoka. Right, how could Inasuke forget that important detail? Not only could she make an irritating mission into a stupid continuum bearable, she was the only one who could rein in her master and make working with him possible. Pressing himself against the window, Kaguya continued to ramble incessantly and incomprehensibly, unaware of his partners' dilemma.
The mirror then says, "I sense a warm yet godly magical power from this one. But it's vacant. Soundless. Colorless with hints of blue. But not utterly vacant as it's been awoken. Therefore, no dorm would be appropriate." I was starting to become confused as I remember the picture in my locket of what seemed to be my birth parents.
"What are you doing?"
Urato and Inasuke jumped and screamed. A strange voice came from behind them; clearly, much to their unawareness, someone was right there watching their actions.
At this, the formless narrator needs to interrupt with a much dreaded but necessary infodump. While the DoSAT had invented wands usable by Muggles for agents in the Harry Potter continuum, their technology was as of yet not sufficiently advanced to create so-called Muggle-use magical stones and magical pens for Twisted Wonderland-verse. Thus, in order to keep up disguises, the agents ended up disguising their PPC equipments as magical pens – unable to perform magic, but could perform PPC functions. Thus, detecting the stranger, the CAD disguised as Savanaclaw magical pen in Urato's pocket beeped and displayed a result on its citrine yellow magical stone.
[Fáelán* Portavius. Non-canon, doesn't exist in fic, male fairy, magic user. Harmless background character; friend, not foe.]
The stranger appeared to be a portly teenage boy with scraggly black hair, pointed elf-like ears, and a dull, drawn-out voice. He was clad in school-wide ceremonial dress uniform, but mounted on his magical pen was a green stone, the colour of Diasomnia dorm. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be back in your dorms getting ready to welcome new students?" he asked, quizzically staring at the beeping magical pen and then at the three. In response, Inasuke blubbered embarrassingly, but the stranger named Fáelán was soon more focused on Kaguya's rambling than him.
I snapped again and I sat on the throne I made and I was now in a dress. I was slowly getting bored as I realized I could pull out anything so I projected a screen hologram as I started to play video games.
After a moment, Fáelán cocked his head aside and asked, "I'm sorry but… what's a Mary Sue? Who's Hades? What do you mean by 'canon'? The headmage has a daughter? Who is enrolled into this all-boy school???"
This took Urato and Inasuke aback utterly. He understands Hazama-sempai, Inasuke thought. At this point, finally heeding the stranger, Kaguya turned around, grabbed Fáelán's wrist and pulled him over, making him watch the badfic events within the crowded hall.
A Dismissive Ranking
I poke around the collar and I noticed my flames melted it and I simply stopped since I didn't want Grim to go on another rampage. I was holding Grim close to my chest as I felt some sort of comfort from him. "Until I deign to remove that collar, you won't be using any magic. You're naught but a pet cat now," Riddle explains and I sigh and say, " Sorry to burst your bubble but I can melt this collar off him and I would suggest a stronger collar."
Fáelán's mouth fell agape. "Did whoever that is just undo Riddle Rosehearts's unique magic? A newcomer at that?" he said incredulously.
"Dat's what we call a Mary Sue, yo," Urato replied, now with newly created Ss Riddle the mini-Overblot atop his mop of red hair. "Not only is she overpowered, she's just stolen Trey's heroic moment and friggin' solved first arc in three seconds, man! Imagine a character like dis in da game! What fun is dere playin' it if all da arcs are solved inna blink like dis?"
"Hey, you're talking too much," Inasuke protested, but his concern wasn't considered. Urato had just had an idea.
Slinging an arm around Fáelán's shoulders, Urato declared, instantly irking Inasuke, "Who needs Momotchi? Yer comin' with us."
(to be continued)
* /ˈfaːi̯laːn/