[MISSION] Of Canon-Copying and Human Snowboards

Let's face it, the badfic just poorly copies Gintama canon and tacks the Sue onto it, but the ineptness makes it hilarious.

Warning for occasional swearing.

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The fic referenced/cited in this story, titled "Samurai Queen (Gintama Fanfic)" doesn't really belong to JazMaligo as it contains large amounts of plagiarized material from the manga/anime, but they're still welcome to whatever they actually created.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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The Tinker Bell mission was not an experience RC 381 would easily forget. A canon they had no knowledge in, three fics merging into one, and a spectacularly horrifying surprise involving a mouse that left Kaguya in a catatonic state he had yet to recover from.

He'll be fine, FicPsych people told Momoka. He'll be back to normal soon enough. This is far from the worst badfic-induced reaction we've ever seen.

She was soothed somewhat, but seeing her master still blank and unresponsive made her want to break down in hysterical sobs until she passed out. He'd come back to his senses, but when? How would she pass the days until then, with the pain in her heart? How would she play games when Kaguya wasn't awake to enjoy with her? Should his makeup, hair or clothing be disarrayed, how would he tell her to fix them to his liking? How would she live when he was barely alive?

Even in the middle of despair, she was quickly reminded PPC higher-ups as well as narrative laws of comedy were not exactly benevolent forces. Already RC 381's console was shrieking like no tomorrow, heralding an intel report that took her aback.

"Gintama?" Momoka uttered the name of the continuum displayed proud and clear on the screen.

"Yo, howza goin'?" A familiar voice shouting over the [BEEEP] caught her attention. Not unlike expected, the agents of RC 🤘 were once again in RC 381 by virtue of their doorway. "New mission? How's Guyatchi? He waken up yet?"

Momoka was given no time to formulate a response. Inasuke, after briefly skimming the intel report, piped up, "Seriously? Gintama? Isn't sempai specialized in video games? First they sent you into Tinker Bell, now this?"

"Ooh, Gintama? Nice! Sumthin' I know fer once!" Urato said cheerfully. "Why ain't we get ta mission in it? It gotta be da funniest thing I've ever seen! Never watched past Itō arc though!"

"You never have enough patience to watch through any series you get your hands on," Inasuke quipped. "Besides, who says we're going on this mission? Don't just jump into other people's missions!"

All of a sudden and without warning, Momoka let out a gut-wrenching scream. Urato and Inasuke were stunned into silence, not knowing what to do but to freeze and watch her finally lose it, collapsing to the floor wailing and sobbing as loudly and painfully as she could.

"I've seen Gintama too," she said when she had calmed enough to form words, her body still shaking from sobs. "And then I started playing Onmyōji and noticed the similar casting choices. Of course I joked to Kaguya-sama about it, even though he's never watched Gintama. He always listens to my lame jokes and laughs at them, even ones he can't appreciate. He's always been nothing but nice to me, and yet… and yet…"

Inasuke crouched beside her and rubbed her back before she could start sobbing again. He may not have liked Kaguya, but he hated seeing Momoka cry. Searching for the most comforting words, he told her, "Sempai, please don't cry. I'm sure everything will be alright. I mean, you're with him all this time, right?"

At this, Momoka wiped her tears, and with a steeled look of resolve on her adorable features, she declared, "I'm bringing Kaguya-sama along."

"Eh?" Urato said. "Dats kinda dangerous, doncha think? I mean, he can't do 'nythin', right? What if he gets attacked by Sues or sumthin'?"

"I've promised to follow him through three thousand worlds, to the eighteenth depth of hell. He can't do anything, that's precisely why I'm bringing him along. There's no way I can just leave him all alone in this state; as his servant, I'll be by his side until he recovers."

A second of awkward silence. Urato stared at her, then looked at Inasuke, who finally said, "If it makes sempai happy."

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Chapter 1

"Dang, dis Onmyōji game has gotta have da most int'restin' casting ever! Hijikata n' Okita are brothers! Katsura is deir boss and Gintoki n' Kintoki are deir students! Kagura bein' Kagura! I gotta try dis game out when we get home!" Urato prattled excitedly, amused by all the interesting information Momoka told him, but his mood soured not even five seconds into the badfic.

The environment looked nothing like the alternate-history Edo as portrayed in the Gintama series. There were vague blocks likely meant to be buildings, but everything was stark white – the roads, the houses, the trees, the noren curtains – as though rendered in an ancient version of MikuMikuDance that supported far too few textures. Because of this, the ground had the surface quality of wet ceramic; Urato and Momoka had to take a while to stop slipping, made more difficult for the latter due to carrying Kaguya like a log on her shoulder.

"Ugh, da heck is dis?" Urato grumbled. "I think I understand Inatchi's feelins when his shows 're ruined… by da way, where's Inatchi?"

Indeed, though he had stepped through the portal into the fic, Inasuke was nowhere to be seen. That was, until they heard him call from somewhere high above them, "Ura-chan! Shigisawa-sempai! Over here!"

The two let out shocked cries; Inasuke was stuck upon a rather high branch in a tree as untextured and badly modelled as everything else. He could barely stop himself from trembling as he hugged the branch for dear life, not daring open his eyes. "Oi, howdya get up there? Hol' on, Imma get ya down," Urato said and tried climbing the tree, but in vain. Thanks to its texture or lack thereof, the perfectly cylindrical trunk was smooth as ivory and slippery as ice. Urato could do nothing but uselessly slide to the ground every try, unable to climb up an inch.

"The fic's gonna start any time soon, just… leave me," Inasuke whimpered. "I don't even know anything about this anime anyway, just go."

"Whatcha talkin' about? Like hell Imma leave friends behind!" Urato said, then he had an idea. He eyed Momoka, then unconscious and rigidly posed Kaguya on her shoulder, then approached them both…

Momoka didn't know how to react. Urato was using her master like a stick, holding Kaguya by the ankles and pointing him up at the branch for Inasuke to grab onto. It turned out to be a perfect course of action; Urato was 188 cm tall, Kaguya 176 cm, thus their heights combined were enough to reach Inasuke. Grabbing Kaguya's head like a scared kitten, Inasuke was safely lowered to the ground – while Momoka winced at what was being done to her master.

Urato didn't have time to return Kaguya to Momoka, for right then the CAD in his Bag howled furiously. [What the hell are you doing, you slowpokes? I smell Sue from way over here! Head 4 streets ahead ASAP, this fic's horrid English is killing me!], it read. They didn't have much time, and the slippery surface wasn't easy to run upon. This gave Urato another idea.

"U! Ra! Chaaan! Stop right now! Put me down right this instant!" Inasuke screamed the way he never screamed before. He was scooped up into Urato's strong arm; Momoka held in one arm and Inasuke in another, Urato was skateboarding along the slippery street at breakneck speed on Kaguya's back, shōgun-snowboard-style. Oblivious to his partners' utter terror, Urato revelled in the thrill of the speed, the scenery zipping by, the onslaught of wind on his face, the satisfaction of stepping on his arch-enemy. It was inevitable that he broke into full-bodied laughter; it was the best experience he'd ever had…

… which came to an abrupt end when he as well as the two companions in his arms slammed face-first against a generic building, then went sprawling to the ground off of Kaguya-snowboard's back. Momoka was just about to give Urato a piece of her mind for mistreating her master when something caught her attention.

Two guys walking around and then they saw a alien on the ship. "AAAAHHHHH!!! IT'S REAL!!!" Then someone hold the alien up. "Shut up! Keep your voices down! I've got a hangover and my head is absolutely killing me!" He yelled. Then someone walked up. "Are you sure it's not your baldness, Papi?" A soft yet sexy voice said.

Before the three could grumble about the crash, the horribly animated interaction played out before them. Urato's eyebrows furrowed; this was the canonical introduction scene of Umibōzu, albeit with animation quality that made Rapsittie Street Kids look beautiful and polished – as well as a jarring and suspicious addition.

Urato's CAD once again emitted a cry, this time sounding like that of a whale crossed with a food processor with a death metal concert.

[Kaya. Non-canon, female Amanto/goddess? WARNING: Mary Sue. Exterminate with extreme prejudice. Goodness me, how on earth is this allowed? How is this a fanfic? This thing is straight-up plagiarizing the anime and just sticking the Sue in a few spots! This is plainly unacceptable!]

"Ugh, what is this writing? My eyes hurt!" Inasuke, still sitting and unable to crawl up to his feet, exclaimed as the Words danced before his eyes.

"Aight, who's dis chick n' why's she callin' Umibōzu 'Papi'? Dun tell me he has a third child now!" Urato said. "Dang, we ain't know dat much 'bout her n' already she's a giant honkin' Sue!"

"And she copies the anime too," Momoka added, crouching next to her prone master. Once again, her heart was heavy; were Kaguya awake, he would have given a slightly longer monster-voiced lecture about ripping off official material.

~~~

Momoka was not in the mood to properly enjoy the skewer of untextured, low-poly dango Inasuke offered her. Upon the bench outside the generic shop the three had ordered dango from, Kaguya was laid across their laps and had food put on top of him like a long table. Her yelling at Urato and Inasuke to stop mistreating her master went fully unheard; besides, having fantasized of tying Kaguya up, she soon succumbed to the prospect of eating food off his body…

The woman walked around Edo while all the men looked at with pervert eyes. She has every guy wished for while all of the women looked at her with jealousy. "Perverted eyes everywhere. I just came here to see those three again..."

Urato sputtered on his low-quality water-effect tea gracelessly while the Sue strutted down the street before them, an Aura of Smooth suffocatingly thick behind her. Momoka gasped; she knew this type of Sues. Annoying to the extreme, not a single likable quality, yet adored by everyone and their dogs, wrapping around her finger scores of attractive men who should have more things to do than slobbering over some random girl…

Despite her not being one for the shōnen genre, the canon series' male characters managed to win Momoka over. She knew what she needed to do (seconds before she remembered Kaguya was still unconscious and used like a multi-purpose object, at which point she was down in the dumps again): defend Gintama boys from Suefluence, just like she would any other male character she liked.

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Chapter 2

"Shut up, will you? Stop talking so loud. Now look what you did. I cut my toenail to the quick. What're you going to do about this?" Gin ask. "You fired Kagura-chan! Does that mean Kagura-chan went home together with her father and older sister?!" Shinpachi yelled.

"How do you even write bad fanfiction for Gintama?" Momoka asked as she, Urato and Inasuke watched the plagiarized anime scene from the Umibōzu arc through the barred window to the Yorozuya Gin-chan house, Shinpanchi the mini-Justaway standing on her head. "Since it's so crazy and off-the-wall, you can write pretty much anything and it'll still make perfect sense, no matter how ridiculous it is."

"N' yet here we are," Urato said. "Looks like da ghosts o' badfic will find a way no matter what work it is. Heck, Inatchi n' I even missioned a fic for friggin' cat drawings on da Internet!"

"Ugh, no need to remind me of it," Inasuke said. "Is there no way to just… stop the Sues and the badfic spirits once and for all? Make continua immune to them?"

"Actually there is, but that requires the original author to ban any and all fan creations for that work," Momoka said. "The continuum will be safe but… that's kinda boring, you know? It won't be as fun when you're not allowed to write and read more stories about the characters you like. For me, playing a game is half actually playing it and half looking up fan comics on Twitter and pixiv."

"Dat's where we come in, right?" Urato said excitedly. "We clean up da bad stuff, dat way da continuum stays open and safe!"

Indeed, letting fictional universes be open to outside creations, but safe against threats – this was the ideal the PPC aimed for. Time flew, things changed, but the organization stood firm in its purpose; they continued to fight – for the sake of canons and fan works alike.

Before the formless narrator gets any cornier, the badfic reared its ugly head like a particularly annoying boke that deserved nothing less than ten thousand swats with a pleated paper fan. Amidst sentences of ambiguous subjects and overusing yelled as a dialogue tag, she reappeared.

"I thought you're going back to your family." He said. "I didn't just came here to get Kagura back. I came here because I want to see you. All of you. I want everything back just like the old times." Kaya said while remembering her old memories.

"What 'old memories'? Oi, don't tell me ya were in da goddamn Jōishishi! Dat's so wrong I dunno where ta begin! Wouldn't dat make ya a traitor to yer race?" Urato commented.

"Not to mention way too close to Gintoki, Katsura, Takasugi and Sakamoto," Momoka added. "She's not starting a harem with them, is she? That'd be the worst!"

"This terrible English is paining me," Inasuke put in one last comment before boredom prompted the group to skip the chapter altogether.

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Chapter 3

The formless narrator would like to know how one makes Gintama so supremely boring. By this point, two of the awake agents were bored to their bones: Inasuke from being in an unfamiliar continuum and watching a lifeless narrative, Urato from seeing badly paced plagiarism of events he could easily open the anime and watch. Momoka however felt differently; Kaguya was now used as an observation deck, standing upright with Inasuke sitting on his head and Urato holding him still below. On top of seeing Sue antics, this was almost unbearable; two people would be in much trouble with a deeply annoyed maidservant when the mission was over…

"Look! I see the Sue with the red-haired girl and a giant dog! Oh, the dog is so cute; is it canon? I wanna keep it!" Inasuke cried out, "Ugh, the dog is gone! Now the girls are getting on a ship!"

"Yep, let's get 'er. She be copyin' Benizakura arc now. Can't let 'er hang around Takasugi too long," Urato said. "'Sides, surry dude, but ya ain't getta keep da dog. 'S indeed a canon character."

Whatever enthusiasm Inasuke had worked up disappeared. Kaguya once again became a vehicle, flat on his stomach as a snowboard for Urato to ride on to the sound of the terrified screams from the partners he was carrying. "Dang, I wish Guyatchi blacks out more offen! Dis is awesome!" he shouted over the strong wind.

"I… I'm going to kill you!" Momoka screamed.

"What? Not happy to see me, Kaya." He said. […] "You told me that you will come to me but you didn't. Why?" She asked. He didn't answer while his hair shadow his eyes. Kaya take out the butterfly necklace and threw it on the floor.

While the Sue and a cringily OOC Takasugi conversed, the "snowboard" went high into the air, momentarily letting the agents fly in a perfect arc, with a full moon in the background. It was as romantic and breathtaking as it could get… then Shinsuke Pov. the mini-Justaway conked Urato's head, making him lose balance and sending the three agents falling off.

They landed in various unseemly positions on the ship floor in plain sight of Takasugi, Matako, Kagura and the Sue. Kaguya however went in a slightly different direction: his trajectory lead him to hit the Sue head-first before she could get in the factory, knocking her to the floor.

"Aight, no more foolin' around fer ya! Mary Sue, yer under arrest for copyin' the anime, bein' Umibōzu's uncanonical third child and bein' in the Jōi for no reason!" Urato cried as he got up, but it was not simple. The Sue was a fighter-type with the same kind of weapon as Kagura and her canonical family, and so Urato was responded with two narrowly missing bullets fired from the tip of an umbrella. "Damn!" he spat.

"Assholes!" Kaya the Sue said. "Don't you understand my pain? He gave me his butterfly necklace as promise and now he left me! I wanna get everyone back together!"

"Shut up! You're charged with making Takasugi Shinsuke OOC! As I remember, he's a big scary villain and would never date you or give you pretty stuff!" Momoka shouted. From her Bag, she took her weapon – the fancily shaped, slightly glitter-stained "axe-sword" she obtained from the New Year Gift Exchange. The problem came when she tried to reach the Sue – the ship floor, as untextured as everything else, was a pain to stand on, let alone move. Thus, the Sue was given plenty of time to fire dangerously missing shots at her, while she could only deflect them with the blades.

"Outta my way! The Sue is mine!" Inasuke screamed even louder, wielding an even odder weapon: Kaguya himself, held by the ankles and swung like an oversized club in a manner reminiscent of the Owee console arc. "Since I'm not in this fandom, I'm just charging you with bad English, creating minis and being boring as sin! Seriously, I'd take infuriating triple Tinker Bell missions over this any day!" Momoka's look of terror went unnoticed; he didn't have anything else to use as a weapon, and he was dead-set on taking out the Sue and ending things quickly. However, it was not easy for a 145 cm-tall man to maneuver a 176 cm one. He ended up stumbling and swinging Kaguya-club indiscriminately, whacking both his partners and the canons, while the Sue went unscathed.

All seemed hopeless… until two gun blasts went off, and the Sue took two glitter-bleeding bullet wounds to her stomach.

The agents were in surprise beyond description. Having fired the bullets were no one but Kagura and Matako, umbrella and pistol pointing at the Sue and emitting wisps of smoke from the barrels. The Sue slumped to the ship floor, breathing out, "Kagura, I'm your big sis! How could you!"

With the badfic influence gone, the environment began regaining their textures. The now properly wooden floor was no longer slippery to the agents, and they could easily stand.

While the agents were still dumbfounded, a bombshell was dropped on them yet again. "I already know you lot. That's why I'm helping you," Matako said. "The Protectors of the Plot Continuum, am I right? What's taking you so long? Watching this bitch get her hands all over Shinsuke-sama is pissing me off!"

At this, Inasuke blurted, "B… but how? Did we blow our cover? But we've disguised ourselves!"

"Come on, who do you think we are? Don't you know how this manga works?" Kagura answered this time. "We got no such thing as a fourth wall; we know how the outside world interacts with our story. 'Sides, I know you guys have been following me all this time; what was this thing about cat drawings on the Internet again?"

"But if yer aware o' all dis stuff, why doncha fight off da Sues demselves?" Urato asked. "Whydya only do when we step in?"

Just to round out the feast of unprecedented surprise, this time it was Takasugi's turn to answer with his famous devilish smile of pure evulz on his face, "We are aware, but we're not invulnerable. In fact, I'm somewhat jealous of all those other series with their fourth walls intact; being aware of the horror as it happens to you and you can't do anything about it is even more of a nightmare. I should know; I've been through enough of that kind of horror. The only way to stop this 'badfic' phenomenon once and for all is for the monkey to decide he wants no fan works of his stuff, and we just don't roll that way."

"You just like reading slash fan comics about yourself," Kagura quipped.

"Now that you're here, I suppose I might supply a few of those 'charges' of my own," Takasugi continued, ignoring Kagura completely. "Making other people call her Queen, failing to capture the humour of our series, making the Jōi's past all about her, making everyone in Edo lust for her, and most importantly being a Mary Sue. Did I cover everything? Now let's get this over with quickly; this is supposed to be a serious arc, and I want that mannequin thing and that annoying narrator out of my vicinity."

Momoka was not amused by what Takasugi meant, but none of it mattered. In one strike he beheaded the Sue, then he instructed Matako to keep the body as it might make good ship fuel. The mission was over…

… but Kaguya was still yet unconscious, and the group never managed to answer the questions Kagura asked them as they went through the portal, "By the way, is it true that there's a smartphone game where I'm a super quiet girl living in the Heian period? And the mayonnaise-sucking and sadist Shinsengumi guys are lovey-dovey brothers? And Gin-chan has super smooth long hair? And this bandage-eyed loser over here is a talking lantern?"

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Inasuke would not admit it, but the Plan A they were enacting as part of Operation Wake Kaguya Up was giving him joy. Kaguya's deepest purple lipstick in hand, he started with slathering an eggplant-coloured moustache above his mouth before moving on to other charming doodles, among which was a pile of poop under his right eye, and finally writing a plethora of beautifully worded sobriquets all over his face: botchan scum (坊っちゃん野郎) on his left cheek, Bakaguya (バ香久也) on his forehead, butt-ugly good-for-nothing long-haired makeup addict (ブスでろくでなしなロング毛メイク魔) from his jaw down to his neck. Wrecking his painstakingly applied and coordinated cosmetics, Urato suggested, was a sure-fire way to draw some sort of reaction from him.

Except it didn't work.

Kaguya was still stiff as a rock, while Momoka was almost fuming. "Ura-chan, now what? You said this will work," Inasuke said.

Then all of a sudden, Momoka cried, "Ah, Urato-kun didn't take off his shoes! Look, he's trampling all over tatami borders again! He even stood on a cushion and blew his nose on your favourite fukusa handkerchief!"

"Oi, watcha doin'?" Urato said.

"Isn't it obvious? Ruining Kaguya-sama's makeup is your idea, plus you treated him like garbage in the mission, so I'm making you face consequences," Momoka replied, anger barely hidden behind an adorable smile. The room's atmosphere seemed several thousand kilopascals tenser.

Kaguya still didn't budge.

However, before the situation could escalate, Inasuke said, "Now that attacking both his beauty and his sense of manners doesn't work, what else is there to rouse a reaction from him? What else does he hate?"

"Dang, ain't it a great idea! Oh lookie lookie, ain't that a new badfic?" Urato said. "Hey, izzat a saniwa-sue who's part goddess, part-sea slug? Ooh, a girl-sword havin' Kokin's baby! Konnosuke suddenly turnin' inta a huge fuckin' monster smashin' everythin' n' flyin' off inta space ta eat mutant green chicken!"

Expectedly, it still didn't work, even as Inasuke began looking at Urato weirdly thanks to the increasingly creative hypothetical badfic scenarios he was tossing out one after another. There was nothing else they knew of that Kaguya hated; it was hopeless…

Then Momoka spoke up, "I have an idea."

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A/N: Due to the nature of the Gintama series – high fourth-wall awareness and constant fourth-wall breaking – the writer of this blog, as writer of the (very likely) first Gintama mission, establishes that all canons from this continuum know of the PPC, and it is neither possible nor necessary to neuralyze PPC awareness from them.

Minis (all up for adoption):

• Shinpanchi

• Shinsuke Pov.