[MISSION] Of Borderline Engrish and Unlabelled, Weird AUs

While Kaguya and Urato have a scuffle and reluctantly go on a mission together, Momoka and Inasuke have their own adventure.

Warning for in-fic objectionable content: stalking, kidnapping, borderline sexual assault. The writer of this post does not endorse the content and views put forth by the work of fiction being parodied in it.

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The fic cited in this story, titled "Moon God's Legitimate Wife", as well as its series "Love Under the Moonlight: Mikazuki Munechika X Reader", belong to MichiTenoh and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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"Now that's Shigisawa-sempai, a real professional," said Inasuke, then disguised in a hakama outfit that couldn't be simpler. He was clearly paying more attention to Momoka than the mission; even as she was disguised as a giant animal mascot, he was unable to take his eyes off her as she awaited the incoming badfic.

Seconds after Kaguya tumbled into his makeup table drawer, Momoka was knocked to the floor by a 145cm-tall young man landing on top of her. That Inasuke was stuck in RC 381 longer than usual didn't bother him; he'd be stuck with the object of his admiration forever if given the chance.

His attitude towards Kaguya aside, Momoka had nothing against him, if not even found him rather endearing. The first thing he said to her after he received agent status was how her hair resembled cotton candy; one day after settling in his RC, he gifted her three surprisingly well-made hand-sewn plushes, one of a white dog, one a chicken, one a monkey. Sempai is the best, I look forward to going on a mission with you and fight nasty Sues together, he would say in his lovely voice that sounded like a cross between Yonaga Tsubasa and Murase Ayumu each time they met, be it in the Cafeteria or after landing head-first into RC 381's bath tub.

It was only natural that they ended up sent on a mission together.

Little did Inasuke know, Momoka's mind was tenser than a bowstring. After all, she was his sempai; even if he hadn't idolized her, she couldn't afford to show him one speck of incompetence. Never had she been as big a ball of nerves; notebook and pencil in hand, she tried appearing as calm as possible, even though she, having forgotten to pack any Universal Translators, was having a hard time understanding the Words parading around them.

Grey clouds were surpassed beneath the dark glimmering night as the moon reflects the sun's shared rays above the sky shown. Stars glistening on the dispatched darkness from the night scenery.

It wasn't until Inasuke said, "I don't think this is proper English. Was this run through Google Translate or something?" that she inwardly heaved a sigh of relief.

The relief however did not last long. The fic's awful English use coupled with a decidedly unfamiliar setting threw her for another round of cold sweating. The scenery was rendered in beige as was customary for badfics of this caliber, but none of the fic events unfolding before them seemed the least bit familiar to her. Was it even a TouRabu fic? Were they sent into a wrong fic, in a wrong continuum? Unable to move her paw, much less write down anything, Momoka could only watch the flashback sequence before her, as (L/n) (F/n)'s narration blared in the agents' skulls about how she was to be given away as the wife of some Moon God.

My father, Emperor (F/n) witnessed and saw the God's presence when he appeared at his room telling him that during the Moon Festival gathering and worshipping my father will gift me to the God for as a blessing and assure to give many receiving presents for my family.

"Sempai, can I ask?" Inasuke said, startling her into nearly dropping the notebook. "I'm not super familiar with Touken Ranbu canon, but… I'm pretty sure there's no such place as Tensetsu in there, right? Besides, are there any gods showing up in the game?"

"Of course not," she answered, trying to appear as calm as possible. "It's set in real-world Japan, of course there's no such place. The game has no gods either."

"Eh? Then what's going on here?" Inasuke asked while the "Moon God", appearing only as a silhouette form, demanded the uncanonical emperor to wed his Sue daughter to him. Momoka's crippling fear grew even greater; oh great, I took Inasuke-kun into the wrong fic, she thought, until a horrible smell began wafting from the Bag by her side.

It was the CAD, which couldn't be stopped from overheating and emitting noxious odour even though Momoka took the care to mute it before heading on this mission.

[Mikazuki Munechika. Canon, male tsukumogami, touken danshi of tachi. OOC level: Since when is grandpa a god, and since when is he such a huge jerk who demands people to hand over their daughters? Is he fucking Yamata-no-Orochi now? KILL IT, KILL IT WITH A TEN-SPAN SWORD.]

Panicking, Momoka threw the CAD out the door. "It's okay, we're in the right continuum," she said. "This fic just… gets it all wrong, I guess."

Inasuke looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "I see, looks like we have an unannounced AU on our hands. Sempai is awesome as always; I won't be able to do a thing without you and your knowledge on this canon."

Momoka felt short of combusting.

Once, I thought it would be a hybrid creature wherein a figure would show itself to be so horrendously, however that would be frightening and kinder turned off. Since, in this case a Moon God should be a good looking for guidelines and purely calm charming being for the people while watching over the night sky as they worshipped his power, of course he's dwelling in the moon where could there be else to stay by?

I want to go home, Momoka wept inwardly after a scene change nearly knocked her to the ground before she could finish putting down the latest charge. In front of her, the Sue of blackberry colored hair and a bit servant conversed in language as mangled as the rest of the fic; behind her, Inasuke stared at her with eyes short of turning into hearts. The pressure was getting too much… but luckily the Sue left, thus giving Momoka some room to breathe as the agents ran outside after her.

Generic Festival Stalls lined Generic Streets, crowds of Generic People gallivanted around in Generic Merrymaking. Inasuke asked, "From what I understand, the main character is being offered to a god in some sort of ceremony, so why are there summer festival stalls?"

"I… guess that's a charge?" Momoka uttered, hoping he didn't see how awkward she was.

Oh, how she wished Kaguya was there instead of Inasuke. He would have pressed a volley of charges, from bad English, OOC to cultural inaccuracy, and she would only need to help him. She was better an assistant than a leader and was better off staying that way; she was on the verge of throwing the notebook and pencil to the ground, declaring she couldn't take it anymore and wanted to call for backup…

… when suddenly a laugh uncontrollably echoed all over the background, a voice that had all the vocal qualities of Toriumi Kōsuke, but sounded more like Szayel-Apollo Granz from Bleach than Mikazuki Munechika. Rather than warning the crowd around her of a potential danger like any sane person would, the Sue escaped from my affairs following the shadow along through the dark passes in the deep woods ahead. With a heightened sense of caution, the agents followed her.

A ludicrously short, grammatically flawed exchange later, the shadow kidnapped the Sue without giving her time to resist. Everything faded to black.

The agents' surroundings brightened again to an unexpected sight: stretches of blankly white clouded in mist. Once the mist cleared, the scenery changed to something actually pleasing on the eyes if kitschy, unlike the endless grey prior: sakura scented and there's decorated water lilies all over the tub...what a clean pure substance... For a moment, Momoka forgot she was supposed to be nervous, or in a badfic for that matter; the smell, the sight, it all put her at ease, sent her into a relaxing trance, made her unable to notice Inasuke's poking her worriedly.

Then something happened.

The "Moon God" appeared, no longer a silhouette, but no less ominous. In fact, he exuded such intimidating aura that made Inasuke squeak and hide behind Momoka, but left her shocked. She could not believe the damage done to the TouRabu canon character in all its horrific glory before her eyes.

The Mikazuki Munechika in that room, in front of that naked Sue in the bathtub appeared to be him, but wasn't really him. A very uncharacteristically creepy look on his face, the "Moon God" blatantly admitted to stalking the Sue at the ceremony and kidnapping her. Watching this ghastly development, Momoka forgot she was supposed to be stressed from the need to keep up an impression of competence; she was outraged. Mikazuki was many things – the face of the TouRabu franchise, the most beautiful out of the tenka goken, one of the most ancient swords, first ever five-petal rarity summon in the game, notoriously coveted among players due to his difficulty to attain, a sensual and alluring character – but a creepy kidnapper wasn't one of them. Momoka decided this was enough, and so she jumped out of her hiding spot, a hair's breadth away from literally fuming at the top.

"Stop right there!" she yelled, unaware that she was speaking much better English than ever before. "On orders of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are charged with bad English; not labelling an AU; being super inaccurate to real Japanese culture; being a Mary Sue; and turning Mikazuki into a jerk, a pervert and a kidnapper. I'll never forgive you for insulting his character like that! You are sentenced to death!"

Without letting the Sue have any last words, Momoka grabbed her and banged her head against the side of the bath tub. Free of the reader-insert, the body shrank back into a dummy cube.

A neuralyzation and portalling of Mikazuki later, Momoka walked back to an utterly awed Inasuke, her anger having worn off. "That was totally awesome," Inasuke said. "Sempai was so cool when you dispatched that Sue. Oh, I wish I can be cool just like you."

"No, I'm really not cool at all," she said dejectedly, having slumped to her knees. "I can't do anything without Kaguya-sama. I've always let him do all the important work while I scuttle along and aid him. I'm sorry, Inasuke-kun, for being useless."

"But didn't you kill the Sue? As well as packed the equipment and told me everything about the canon? Who needs that botchan scum?" his reply calmed her mood somewhat, though his calling her master a scum irked her a little. "You're a professional agent, a superhero, not a tool for that despicable bastard. You've done very well on your first mission without him; give it a little time and you'll kick his sorry rear."

Momoka swallowed her irritation and cracked open a portal back to HQ – but for some reason they didn't land in RC 381. Instead, they found themselves in RC 🤘 just in time to witness their respective partners about to launch into a brawl.