[MISSION] Of Arch-Enemies and an OOC Demon King

In which Urato is on a mission with yet another arch-enemy of his.

Mild bl3 warning.

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The fic cited in this story, titled "shuten doji x reader", as well as its series "onmyoji reader oneshots", belong to sierrakoi and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it. Love Nikki-Dress UP Queen belongs to Elex.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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The readers need not worry about Kaguya, for he was safe and sound… and stuck, in RC 🤘 with its dratted random doorway. Unable yet to find a way back to his RC, he reluctantly became RC 🤘's guest. Thus, amidst the impressive mess reigning supreme in Urato's room, Kaguya sat with its Kansai-accented culprit, having pleasant conversation over potato crisps and soda.

The two were indeed nothing short of living yin-yang, the epitome of oppositeness. One was muscular and tanned, the other slender and pale. One was dressed in a garish graffiti tee and slacks, the other in understated Taishō-style kimono. One was lying on the floor undignifiedly while shoving handfuls of crisps into his mouth, the other was sitting properly on his knees, holding a soda can in both hands and daintily sipping as though it was a teacup.

"Nah, I don't like dat Fukushima guy. Tries too hard tah be sexy. Only Mitchan really looks good in da whole damn Osafune school," Urato prattled. "'Sides, kiwame tachi are fuckin' weak like shit, man. Who needs dem snot-nosed tantō brats? I wanna bring all dem hot big swords to hard maps!"

"So you like tachi," Kaguya replied coldly. "Do you know who forged Mikazuki Munechika then?"

As usual, Kaguya just had to annoy Urato again. They had a fandom in common, but it was close to impossible to hold a normal discussion. Each time Urato professed his soft spot for a certain sword or expressed his struggles with gameplay, Kaguya would rain on his parade with random trivia questions. What museum is Heshikiri Hasebe currently displayed in? Who was the first wielder of Tsurumaru Kuninaga? How did Yagen Tōshirō get that name? Last he remembered, Momoka too was into the game chiefly because of its cast of attractive men, yet Kaguya never saw any problems with that…

"Yer no fun, man," Urato said. "Ya be talkin' like there's only one way to enjoy da game. I ain't know and ain't care 'bout history 'n poetry 'n stuff all dat well, I play 'cause it got lotsa hot dudes and action, so what? Didn't stop me from playin' it and likin' da characters, gameplay, dialogues… anyway, ain't it?"

Expectedly, that touched Kaguya's nerve. "Speaks volumes about your character," he said, eerily calm, gaze sharp as a scalpel. "It's blindingly clear you're the kind that would take selfies in a historical museum and eat kaiseki ryōri with a fork. A shallow, boorish idiot."

"At least I ain't a fuckin' borin' tight-ass, and I don't waste my livin' time worryin' 'bout all sortsa pointless shit," Urato clapped back. "Like, I drink tea just fine without worryin' which way da teacup faces!"

The argument would have dragged on much longer, perhaps even included shooting lightning into each other's eyes anime-style, if not for a very well-timed [BEEEEEEP].

---

Urato very minded being sent on a mission with Kaguya, and at the same time didn't. On one hand, he was further trapped with his arch-enemy, in yet another fandom he wasn't in no less, but on the other, facing peril with a somewhat irritatingly hot guy wasn't entirely a bad idea.

The continuum was Onmyōji, the setting was as scarcely described as way too many badfics for the same fandom. In that environment of sloppy 3D modelling and rampant disregard of language, a generic fat red ogre appeared, looking around frantically as if in search of someone. "Guyatchi? Guyatchi? Where are yeh?" he called. "There's gonna be so much trouble if ya get lost in da fic, so y' better show up already!"

He didn't have to wait longer, for then someone stepped out from behind untextured trees. It was a long-haired lad in a lady's clothes: a traditional tsubo-shōzoku ensemble, brocade of maple crimson and mandarine orange and bamboo green in elegant layers, all gilded in patterns of flowery circles. A veiled sedge hat completed the travelling noblewoman look, sheer silk alluringly obscuring most of him. He looked harmless enough…

… until he swept the veil aside. Alas, what a horrific sight under that silk, wrapped in that brocade: half his face was doll-pretty, skin lightly powdered and lips painted red, the other half disfigured and rotting, jaw bone bare, eye bulging from its socket. Underneath his sleeves, one of his arms resembled a human limb, the other a terrifying monster hand of scaly skin, gnarled fingers and long yellowed claws.

"░T░o░m░i░y░a░m░a░, ░y░o░u░ ░j░e░r░k░!" the man growled in a monstrous voice. "░W░h░a░t░ ░o░n░ ░e░a░r░t░h░ ░d░i░d░ ░y░o░u░ ░t░u░r░n░ ░m░e░ ░i░n░t░o░?"

"Er, whatcha sayin'?" Urato asked, genuinely puzzled. He for the life of him couldn't make out one word of the horrible noise Kaguya just spat out; he glanced at his Universal Translator only to get back the message [Don't look at me, I don't speak Lovecraftian].

"Y͓̽o͓̽u͓̽'͓̽v͓̽e͓̽ ͓̽d͓̽o͓̽n͓̽e͓̽ ͓̽t͓̽h͓̽i͓̽s͓̽ ͓̽o͓̽n͓̽ ͓̽p͓̽u͓̽r͓̽p͓̽o͓̽s͓̽e͓̽,͓̽ ͓̽I͓̽'͓̽m͓̽ ͓̽s͓̽u͓̽r͓̽e͓̽ ͓̽o͓̽f͓̽ ͓̽i͓̽t͓̽.͓̽" Kaguya continued in the same voice, holding up his monster hand and pointing at his face. "N͓̽o͓̽t͓̽ ͓̽o͓̽n͓̽l͓̽y͓̽ ͓̽d͓̽o͓̽ ͓̽y͓̽o͓̽u͓̽ ͓̽a͓̽n͓̽n͓̽o͓̽y͓̽ ͓̽m͓̽e͓̽ ͓̽o͓̽u͓̽t͓̽ ͓̽o͓̽f͓̽ ͓̽m͓̽y͓̽ ͓̽w͓̽i͓̽t͓̽s͓̽,͓̽ ͓̽y͓̽o͓̽u͓̽ ͓̽h͓̽a͓̽v͓̽e͓̽ ͓̽t͓̽o͓̽ ͓̽r͓̽u͓̽i͓̽n͓̽ ͓̽m͓̽y͓̽ ͓̽m͓̽a͓̽k͓̽e͓̽u͓̽p͓̽ ͓̽w͓̽h͓̽i͓̽l͓̽e͓̽ ͓̽I͓̽'͓̽m͓̽ ͓̽s͓̽u͓̽b͓̽j͓̽e͓̽c͓̽t͓̽ ͓̽t͓̽o͓̽ ͓̽m͓̽i͓̽s͓̽t͓̽r͓̽e͓̽a͓̽t͓̽m͓̽e͓̽n͓̽t͓̽ ͓̽o͓̽f͓̽ ͓̽m͓̽y͓̽ ͓̽g͓̽a͓̽m͓̽e͓̽.͓̽ ͓̽I͓̽'͓̽l͓̽l͓̽ ͓̽d͓̽e͓̽f͓̽i͓̽n͓̽i͓̽t͓̽e͓̽l͓̽y͓̽ ͓̽n͓̽o͓̽t͓̽ ͓̽f͓̽o͓̽r͓̽g͓̽i͓̽v͓̽e͓̽ ͓̽y͓̽o͓̽u͓̽ ͓̽f͓̽o͓̽r͓̽ ͓̽t͓̽h͓̽i͓̽s͓̽!͓̽"

While it could not be denied that Urato saw no problems with getting on Kaguya's nerves, he did not choose for him that lousy disguise on purpose; he simply picked two random yōkai forms. But now, seeing his rather amusing outburst, Urato thought maybe leaving him in that form wasn't so bad after all. He decided: if he couldn't mission the fic properly, then he'd at least derive as much amusement from his temporary partner's misfortune as possible. And he looked kind of cute when he was irritated too…

It got even better when [a picture of a female character from Love Nikki-Dress UP Queen], supposedly illustrating the you-sue, appeared, missing him but smacking Kaguya squarely in the face, toppling him backwards undignifiedly and pulling from him yet another stream of demonic cries. Missioning had never been so fun.

my eye was locked onto the spirit called momji, i charged forwards towards the female grabbing her neck my nails digging into her

Conveniently, the CAD tumbled out of the Bag by Urato's side and began sizzling like a steak on a hot buttered pan.

[Kijo Momiji (CV: Kuwashima Hōko). Canon, female playable character, SR-class shikigami. OOC level: Okay, she's an evil yandere bitch and her skills are shit, but she doesn't deserve this! Treatment at Medical necessary. Why is the Bleeprum gone??? ASDF@#$#-27 ⛔🛅🚺🚾⛔🚭]

"Dₒ ʸoᵤ ʰeₐᵣ mₑ, ʸoᵤ ᵘᵗtₑᵣ ⁿuₘᵇsₖᵘlₗ? I said major charge for attempted murder of a canon character!" Kaguya roared, momji the red mini-daruma hopping up and down on the brim of his sedge hat. At this point, Urato could no longer help himself and fell to the ground laughing despite Kaguya's bellowing at him to turn off the CAD. Exasperated, Kaguya tried to storm over to him – and ended up tripping over his own kimono on the way.

The CAD started to emit poop-coloured smoke, but Urato was too busy laughing to care.

The fic went into flashback, a scene change crashed over the agents. Poorly modelled forest was no more, in its place was poorly modelled and poorly animated battlefield. Kaguya barely scrambled to his feet when shutens the red mini-daruma appeared, causing him to trip yet again. Urato squeezed his lips together and tried to think of Inasuke's most annoying antics – he didn't want to literally die laughing.

"heh....aren't i pathetic...i wait until something like this happens to tell you"he mumbled i look at him confused "what?" he smiles softly "you and ibaraki are to much alike...always so oblivious of these things"he chuckles as he cups my cheeks "i've been in love with you...for so long yn....but i was to cowardly to tell you....hmp what a demon king am i.." i feel my heart race as i bring my lips to his, i feel his arms wrap around me holding me gently

[Shuten-dōji (CV: Sakaguchi Shūhei). I can't do this anymore. Please just kill me.]

Those were the CAD's last words before it burst into booger-coloured flames.

Urato finally managed to compose himself. He approached Kaguya, who at last got to his feet, and asked, "Y' alright there, man?"

"Of course 𝕀'𝕞 𝕟𝕠𝕥, ⓨⓞⓤ ⓝⓘⓜⓡⓞⓓ," Kaguya threw his hat to the ground and screamed at Urato's face, as though trying to burn into his memory the sight of his gruesome features. "S̷h̷u̷t̷e̷n̷-̷d̷ō̷j̷i̷'̷s̷ ̷c̷h̷a̷r̷a̷c̷t̷e̷r̷ ̷i̷s̷ ̷d̷e̷f̷i̷l̷e̷d̷, h̷e̷'̷s̷ ̷s̷e̷d̷u̷c̷e̷d̷ ̷b̷y̷ ̷a̷ ̷S̷u̷e̷, t̷h̷e̷ ̷M̷o̷u̷n̷t̷ ̷Ō̷e̷ ̷w̷a̷r̷ ̷i̷s̷ ̷t̷u̷r̷n̷e̷d̷ ̷i̷n̷t̷o̷ ̷a̷n̷ ̷a̷b̷s̷o̷l̷u̷t̷e̷ ̷j̷o̷k̷e̷, a̷n̷d̷ ̷I̷'̷m̷ ̷s̷t̷u̷c̷k̷ ̷w̷i̷t̷h̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷ ̷i̷n̷ ̷t̷h̷i̷s̷ ̷h̷i̷d̷e̷o̷u̷s̷ ̷d̷i̷s̷g̷u̷i̷s̷e̷. D̷o̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷ ̷t̷h̷i̷n̷k̷ ̷I̷'̷m̷ ̷a̷l̷r̷i̷g̷h̷t̷?"

Urato still didn't understand a word.

In order to spare his sanity, Kaguya plunged his human hand into the Bag strapped to Urato's side and fished out the RA. Barely alive Momiji was sent to Medical, while forward the agents went through a portal; they skipped an annoying portion where the Sue-possessed you-dummy berated Shuten-dōji in BOLDED ALL-CAPS, but couldn't avoid acquiring ibaraki doj, Ibaraki pov, seimeis and Yn pov the mini-Sue. The last was promptly ganged up on by five minis, but things weren't about to get any better. The air grew heavy from wangst as the you-sue tried to appear as tragic as possible; having cut off her h/c-coloured hair, she announced to Ibaraki-dōji she would leave to become Seimei's shikigami much to his protest. However, the conversation couldn't continue, for they were quickly interrupted by the appearance of a grotesque half-handsome man, half-rotting monster creature.

"May I have a word with you?" Kaguya said. "Yn, also known as Mary Sue, you are charged with crimes against fanfiction and Onmyōji canon. Charges against you include rendering Shuten-dōji and Ibaraki-dōji grossly out of character; obnoxiously inserting yourself into their backstory; attempting to murder a canon character, namely Kijo Momiji; trampling over Shuten-dōji's canonical obsession with Momiji in order to make him fall in Twu Wuv with you; trivializing the Mount Ōe war; wangsting like a bratty four-year-old; burdening Abe no Seimei's household with your worthless Sue existence; using Love Nikki official art as illustration for an Onmyōji fic; atrocious spelling and grammar; creating minis; being a Mary Sue; and causing a PPC agent to be sent on mission with a godforsaken boorish idiot. You are going to die immediately, no questions asked."

While Kaguya put a timely end to the Sue by beaning her with five minis and neuralyzed Ibaraki-dōji, Urato could do no more than sit back watching in amazement. Kaguya's sudden switch back to comprehensibility wasn't the most awe-inspiring thing Urato was witnessing; he just went from a laughingstock, an utter clown screaming bloody murder to strangely sexually appealing.

---

The agents safely returned to RC 🤘, their disguises were stripped – that meant Kaguya got rid of the embarrassing monstrous look and got back his human and good-looking features. However, he was still not satisfied. "I did say I'll not forgive you, didn't I?" he said chillingly calmly, his gaze even more piercing than before.

"He-hey, da mission is done, da Sue is gone, 'y got yer pretty widdle doll face back. What more d'ya want?" Urato laughed awkwardly, backing away as Kaguya inched closer and closer. Even as he was taller, bigger and stronger, marring the look he was attracted to and pissing off Momoka wasn't something he was willing to risk.

"Oi, before you two start making out, mind helping us out first?"

A familiar male voice stopped both dead in their track. Someone was already in the RC when they got back – not one, but two people whom they both knew too well.

"Mo… Momo?" Kaguya uttered.

"Inatchi? Howdya get back in?" Urato asked. "'N why's Momotchi here?"

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Minis (all up for adoption):

• momji

• shutens

• ibaraki doj

• Ibaraki pov

• seimeis