[MISSION] Of Appearance Updates and an Abundance of Minis

An elegantly bite-sized mission into an equally bite-sized fic studded with misspellings. Also, something interesting happens to Kaguya.

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The fic cited in this story, titled "susabi x reader", as well as its series "onmyoji reader oneshots", belong to sierrakoi and they're welcome to keep or do anything they want with it.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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Interesting things came in droves to the agents of RC 381 ever since the turbulent mission to the Yūki Harutomo's granddaughter fic.

First, as the kadomatsu still yet sat outside their RC door, the master-maid pair returned from the New Year Gift Exchange to the news that the two rescuee, Tomiyama Urato and Akagashi Inasuke, were assigned an RC that was nested inside RC 381. That meant the peaceful days Kaguya and Momoka had before, for a given value of "peaceful", had come to an end; at any time, the door to RC 🤘 could randomly open anywhere in their living quarters at the most inconvenient times. It already did twice within the span of one day: the first time at the back of the built-in closet Narnia-style, displaying to Momoka's eyes the charming sight of Urato's picking his nose as she was putting away her and her master's futon mattresses; the second on the ceiling, depositing Inasuke's mini, Booky the Normal-Sized Temmie, right on top of Kaguya's head in the middle of his gaming, making him instantly lose a particularly intense Identity V session.

Second, something major, almost life-altering happened to Kaguya. He just woke up one morning and found his hair long and flowing, straight dark locks reaching just below his hips. He could do no more than stare at his own reflection in the mirror in complete and utter shock; out of a sense of amusement derived by narrative forces from imitating the "appearance update" trope ever so common in manga and anime, his adorable bob was gone overnight, replaced by a sensual hime-cut. It did make him marginally prettier, but did not solve his dollishness one bit; he just graduated from kokeshi to hina-ningyō.

Third, there was no third.

Fourth, the morning Kaguya found himself with a new hairstyle, he and his maid were immediately assigned a mission. That alone wouldn't have been anything surprising – such was the nature of PPC agenthood, after all – but it was followed by something strange, something never before seen in the history of RC 381's PPC work.

As the [BEEEEP] shrieked, Kaguya's glasses flashed a cold, sharp glint, his expression steeled, but he did not saunter off, wrap himself in strange objects or start a symphony of unidentifiable noises. Shouldn't he be in "angry mode" by now? Momoka was in a difficult situation: at once confused about her master and panicking about the increasingly loud and increasingly impatient console alarm.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEȨ̷̠̻͇̰̳̠̲̤̰͙͔̣̖̂͌͊͠ͅĘ̵̢̛̱̬̫̪͖͍̥͓̹͈̤̈́͋̽͗̚͠E̶̛̛̘͔̣͈̱̫̘̪̺̝͓̻̪̍͋̍̉̊̅̀̌̾͂̈́̓̕É̸̛͈̱̞̬̥̫͑̃̉̓͘͝É̸̡͖̭͚͈̮͈̜̩̺̟̀͂̌͜͝ͅÊ̸̡̛͎͔̭̬̭̪̖͓̈̃̚͝P]

Momoka would still like to know what happened to her master, but since the alarm was coming close to threatening the technical stability of the story's text, she started working the machines with fumbling fingers.

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The time was the Heian period, an era of beauty and mysticism… or so it was supposed to be. As expected of a badfic this inept, none of the beauty of Onmyōji canon was retained. Instead of breathtaking 3D modelling, the Generic Village setting the scene took place in took on the appearance of low-poly blocks and spheres with zero physics engine, something that made Vídeo Brinquedo films look like Pixar productions in comparison.

Amidst the sorry scenery appeared two people, one a young man with long straight dark hair, the other a young woman with short curly white hair, both dressed in generic villager attire. Momoka forgot she was supposed to brace herself for the incoming fic, for she was entirely focused on her master. Once again, Kaguya was oddly still; though still sporting a scary face, he wasn't wandering off or striking weird poses, and that was worrying her more than if he did.

Then all of a sudden, Kaguya whirled around to face her, his face startling her to her spine like a shock website. As if that didn't scare her enough, he unleashed a blood-curdling shout, "Nana-sama!"

Momoka barely managed not to fall flat on her behind. "I… I'm sorry?" she uttered, shaking.

"Seriously? This fic is a total farce!" he continued at the same volume. "Beg your pardon, what on earth does nana-sama mean? That's not a Japanese word!"

Momoka was even more deeply shocked than she was the first time she witnessed his "angry mode". It could be safely assumed she was a hair's breadth away from a full-on heart attack. "Ka… Kaguya-sama, your voice…" was all she could let out.

Indeed, the voice Kaguya unleashed was not the same kind he produced in previous missions, back when he still breakdanced all over the place in pure irritation. His voice had mysteriously taken on an eldritch quality that can never be rendered faithfully in text, only somewhat captured by bizarre formatting, eye-searing fonts and other typographical horrors.

While Momoka hadn't yet come back to her senses, Kaguya had already gone back to devoting his attention to the fic as it truly began. Momoka soon saw what he meant: the inflated you-dummy, now in the form of an annoyingly twee little girl with e/c colored orbs flying next to her, called her grandmother "nana-sama" rather than obā-chan or any other valid terms for addressing one's own grandmother in the Japanese language.

Momoka lightly winced from the annoying narration while the You!Sue asked the generic old woman to tell her a story.

"Long long ago when your nana was a young girl she lived in a village by the sea which was attacked by tsunamis frequently which made the village pray to the gods" The little girl looked up at her grandmother "Did the gods send help?"the young girl asked with innocence's the old woman nodded

But right before Momoka could put down a single stroke on the notebook, her master had to be profoundly distracting. "Argh! What is this nonsense?" Kaguya loudly cried in that peculiar vocal quality again before the generic old woman could finish poorly relaying Susabi's backstory. "Charge for mangling Susabi's background! There were no slaves trying to help him! That he was utterly alone in his ordeal was kind of the point!"

At this point, Momoka could no longer pay any attention to the fic. "Please, Kaguya-sama, you need to tell me what's wrong." she pleaded…

… and was cut off when Kaguya portalled himself and her out of the scene.

As it turned out, that scene with little You!Sue and her generic grandmother was a dream sequence. As the now awake yn was greeted by ren and susbai, two mini-daruma, respectively black and red with the latter – susbai – having an Among Us-style visor for eyes and an oxygen tank on its back, fell out of thin air and came dangerously close to beaning Momoka's head. The undescribed Sue was inexplicably established as having both Ichimokuren and Susabi as her personal shikigami and living in seimei courtyard, at which point a white mini-daruma appeared and joined the other two.

Momoka's startlement at being nearly hit by three hard coconut-sized dolls – plus one more as the narrator narrates: dark seimeis from what was likely the world's most bizarre divider (Time skip by dark seimeis saltiness) – was not given a chance to subside before yet another round of demonic cries by her master, "ѕυѕαвι αи∂ ι¢нιмσкυяєи ∂σи'т α¢т ℓιкє тнιѕ! ∩ƃɥ' ʇɥᴉs sdǝllᴉuƃ ᴉs ɥoɹɹᴉqlǝ! ØⱧ ₦Ø, ₱ⱠɆ₳₴Ɇ ĐØ₦'₮ ₥₳₭Ɇ ₴Ʉ₴₳฿ł ĐØ ₮Ⱨ₳₮…"

Momoka could take it no more. "Kaguya-sama!" she tried to scream over her master's rambling, but to no avail. Deciding the charges were enough, Kaguya took them both to the end of the short one-shot, where Susabi and the Sue-possessed dummy were doing things not fit for discussion in polite company in all their poorly animated glory while Ichimokuren was nearby. The sight should have taken Momoka aback, but she had no mind to heed it; she ran up to him in order to shake him back to his senses, tackle him to the ground, do anything to get him out of his curious state…

… but he started talking. "Whatever-your-name-is, you are hereby convicted by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum for crimes against fanfiction and Onmyōji canon," holding two new minis rens and Susabis POV in each palm, he said in English, voice back to its normal quality, throwing Momoka for another loop. "Charges against you include wanton cruelty to language, especially by horrid spelling and grammar and calling your grandmother a 'nana' – for your information, the proper address for your grandmother is obā-san, obā-chan, obagimi, what-have-you; fundamentally disrupting the backstory of Susabi; disrupting his and Ichimokuren's characterization, namely by making two powerful and respected deities act sickeningly sweet with you; wangsting over your dead 'nana' in order to make Susabi fall in unconvincing love with you and try to impregnate you; creating minis; and being a bland, annoying Mary Sue. You are thus sentenced to death."

The Sue was summarily killed by two minis to the head, the dummy shrunk back into a cube, the two canons were neuralyzed and one of the agents was still left severely confused.

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"Kaguya-sama, please," Momoka all but begged as soon as their feet touched the tatami lining their RC floor. "Please tell me what's wrong. Are you feeling down? Should I take you to Medical?"

Clearly, she was more worried than ever before, more than in previous missions or that time her master fell sick for one whole week just before his university entrance exam. In response, Kaguya reassuringly smiled, bringing just a faint shade of pink to her cheeks.

"Something about that Bakara's fic has changed me fundamentally," he explained. "Yes, I'm still annoyed by badfics, but not as much as before. Perhaps it's the fact that no badfic in the world will ever be as bad as hers has made me learn to appreciate them somewhat. As annoying as that Sue was, she wasn't horrible, and so I couldn't bring myself to truly be angry at her."

He then smiled even brighter and started fiddling with one of his sidelocks. "Also, losing control and wandering off with this new hairstyle will definitely not do me any good," he playfully chuckled.

Momoka couldn't help laughing along with him. From that day on, RC 381 had changed; there was no certainty as to what new adventures awaited them ahead.

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Minis:

• ren

• susbai (adopted by ReMi)

• seimei courtyard

• dark seimeis

• rens

• Susabis POV