[INTERLUDE] The Halloween of Many Orders

The Four Demonly Kings' first Halloween in the PPC.

Warning for mentions of bl2.

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Story references The Restaurant of Many Orders, which was written by Miyazawa Kenji.

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It was irrefutable fact that PPC Headquarters were a place of pure horror year-round, but that never stopped Halloween celebrations from taking place there nevertheless.

Towards the end of October 2022 HST, the festive mood only grew stronger and more annoying. RC doors decorated with styrofoam pumpkins and toilet paper splashed with red paint, excited agents sprinting through corridors showing off their costumes before the day proper, the Cafeteria serving mystery S̶u̶v̶i̶a̶n̶ meat, ominous-looking glitter stews and pumpkin spice lattes with neither pumpkin nor spice. Amidst the joyful madness, the agents of RC 381 and RC 🤘 received a surprise.

A surprise they soon regretted.

"Oh no, we are doomed. We are completely and utterly doomed," Inasuke ranted, banging on the door to the room the Four Demonly Kings found themselves in. His mini Booky scratched at the door, but still it refused to budge. "We shouldn't have taken the invitation in the first place. Now what are we gonna do?"

They ended up in this mess not without a reason. Earlier that day, the Four Demonly Kings received an invitation to visit the "PPC Shop of Horrors", a temporary haunted house attraction newly set up in the HQ. With expectations of eerie dim lighting, wicked décor and costumed people jumping out at regular intervals in mind, the four suited up in their scariest outfits, readied their pumpkin buckets, and made their way through labyrinthine corridors littered with papier mâché skulls and doily spiderwebs. It was not until they reached the place that their expectations were destroyed most brutally.

Instead of a shop as advertised, the "haunted house" was a room smaller than a response centre, about four and a half tatami mats wide at most. Unlike the festively decorated corridors outside, the room was empty: no furniture, no window, no flooring. There was nothing but nondescript walls, nondescript ceiling, nondescript floor, all painted with the same solid shade of Sar-Plasm.

Inasuke and Booky, dressed as needlessly fluffy ghosts, were tired from futilely fighting the door. Urato, dressed as a werewolf, started doing push-ups out of boredom, while Kaguya produced his compact mirror and checked his deathly pallor makeup, part of his dark waloli costume. Momoka in frilly maid-witch getup had another idea – she went to the far side of the room, where she discovered an envelope on the floor, not noticed before due to its similar colour as the surfaces.

She called her friends over and opened the envelope. Together the group observed: inside the envelope was a small piece of paper, on which was a short message.

Welcome to the PPC Shop of Horrors. We apologize for any inconvenience; due to the shop's popularity, we have a great many orders.

The faces of Inasuke, Momoka and Kaguya soon registered expressions of abject terror.

Urato alone didn't quite understand what his companions seemed so horrified about. "Er, so what does dis mean?" he asked.

Instantly, Inasuke lunged at him and grabbed fistfuls of his furry shirt. "Don't you understand? We're dead! There's no leaving this place! We're gonna die here!" he screamed.

Urato was still confused. "What, are we in da Room We Can't Leave Widdout Doin' da Dirty or sumthin'?"

"No, not as scary as that, but we're still doomed. No doubt about it, this is the restaurant of many orders," Inasuke replied. Then, just as he finished, a hole opened underneath the group, depositing them into another room amidst their terrified screams.

In the next room as distressingly featureless as the first, the group winced in pain and crawled off of each other. Booky just shook and let out incomprehensible noises. Even then, Urato still failed to grasp the gravity of the situation, and so he continued the conversation. "So? What's so bad 'bouddit?"

"Can't expect much from a tofu-head, not remembering a story taught at school," Kaguya said, giving him a disdainful gaze from behind his glasses. "The Restaurant of Many Orders is a children's story by Miyazawa Kenji concerning a restaurant that, turns out, isn't a restaurant. The 'orders' are not orders by patrons for food, but the restaurant's issuing orders to patrons. The restaurant doesn't serve patrons food…"

"… it serves patrons as food," Momoka continued. "The orders it issues to patrons are meant to make them pre-prepare themselves; once patrons follow all the instructions and reach the last room…"

"… they will be killed and eaten," Momoka, Inasuke and Kaguya finished in coincidental unison.

Silence ensued as Urato mulled over their words for a moment. Then, he burst into full-bodied laughter.

"Man, ya guys are funny," he said. "Ya really think anyone here is tryna eat us fer real? C'mon, dis a haunted house; scarin' us shitless is da point, 'n dere ref'rencin' a scary story ta do so. Why make a big deal outta it?"

"You still refuse to understand, don't you? You really are an idiot," Kaguya said, but his maid had another input.

"Urato-kun is right. After all, the heroes of that story survive by the end. Besides, if this haunted house is approved by the PPC, it means nothing especially bad will happen to us. I will never let anything especially bad happen to Kaguya-sama anyway."

Urato just scowled as Kaguya and Momoka exchanged sappy looks. Inasuke meanwhile discovered another message envelope.

We politely request that all your Halloween buckets be kept on hand before you proceed to the next room.

"C'mon, dere just warnin' us ta not leave stuff behind. Stop bein' a buncha scaredy cats," Urato said, still unfazed even as his friends were shaking.

"Then it's your fault if we end up being some creature's dinner afterwards," Inasuke said before the group was dropped into another room.

Please remove shoes and hats and carry them over to the next room.

"Dis jus' normal courtesy," Urato commented at the message he found in the new room. "C'mon, Guyatchi, ain't dis what ya fuss over all da dang time? Takin' off shoes before goin' inta yer RC?"

Kaguya glared at him. Momoka meanwhile already took off her witch hat and her black Mary Janes. "Sempai, what are you doing?" Inasuke asked alarmedly.

"This is the only way to get out of here," she said. "Trust me, we'll be fine."

"If sempai says so."

Please remove coats and jackets and carry them over to the next room.

The message Kaguya discovered in the next room only stoked the fear even higher. "This is exactly like in the story. Next thing we know, we'll be asked to strip naked and season ourselves," Inasuke said.

"No, it's not exactly like in the story," Kaguya said, his long haori already draped over one arm. "In the story, the heroes are asked to leave the items they take off behind. Here, we're asked to bring them over into the next rooms. If only we knew what this means."

The tallest one of you, scratch your ears with your toes. The oldest one of you, touch your right knee with your right foot. The only female of you, kiss your big toes while performing a split. The one of you with a pet, perform a spinning headstand while licking your nose.

The message Booky brought to the four in its mouth in the next room just threw them into utter confusion. Nevertheless, none of them wanted to be stuck in the current room forever, and thus ensued a highly undignified spectacle as they tried and failed to strike the impossible poses as instructed, groaning and wincing all the while, ending with all sprawling on the floor.

Despite their failure, they were sent into the next room. But something was amiss.

They did not find another order. Neither was there an ominous door, concealing unknown creatures hungry for human flesh like in the story. The room was emptier than empty; pumpkin buckets in hand, shoes, hats and coats strewn on the floor, the agents were totally lost, not knowing what to do next.

Until Inasuke pointed upwards and screamed, "Look out!"

But the group acted too little, too late. Out of nowhere, a trapdoor opened above the agents and dumped a large quantity of something on them, burying them under a large pile. Once they poked their heads up above the surface and could see what it was that they were swimming in, they were surprised – and delighted. "Bleepolate! Bleep-toffees! Bleep-gummies! Look at all these Bleep-candies!" Inasuke exclaimed, scooping up a handful of Bleeproducts.

"Man, dese are 'nuff ta last us fer decades," Urato said, pulling out a bag of Bleep-chips.

"Now I understand why we needed to carry the items we removed along," Kaguya said, picking out a few Bleep-monaka. "Our buckets can't carry a whole lot; we need shoes, hats and coats to bring home as many of these as possible. The managers of this haunted house are very considerate indeed."

But of course, all good things would come to an end. Momoka spotted yet another message envelope atop the pile of Bleep-treats.

Congratulations, you hereby reach the actual horror of the attraction: that the Bleeproducts you have received come with a price. From now on, expect to receive plenty of orders from your higher-ups to work harder and put these Bleeproducts to good use.

The back of the message read:

P.S: the last room's order was not of any relevance; it was merely hilarious to see you attempt impossible poses.

🎃⚰️🦇👻 Happy Halloween 👻🦇⚰️🎃

The group's good mood was doused. Momoka just stared at the message, Urato screamed, Inasuke wailed like a banshee. Kaguya however remarked sadly, "I have to say, this is the best haunted house attraction I've ever visited."