[MISSION] Of Jumbled Storytelling Orders and Historical Aberrations (pt. 1)

The badfic reviewed in this mission might just be the worst Touken Ranbu fanfiction of all time, and rightly so. Nevertheless, much adventure awaits the agents.

Warning for in-fic objectionable content: glorified physical and mental abuse, with one instance bordering on psychological torture; glorified war crime; acephobia. The writer of this post does not endorse the content and views put forth by the work of fiction being parodied in it.

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The fic cited in this story, titled "The Daimyo's Grandchild [a saniwa's tale]" belongs to DANE-sempai and they're welcome to keep or do whatever they want with it, deeply offensive though it is.

The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.

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At the rate the badfics were going, Momoka realized she needed stronger measures for safeguarding Kaguya or inevitably have her master irretrievably wander off in his fits of "angry mode" and die in a fic. How she would manage that, she hadn't the faintest clue. Busy with thoughts, she paced back and forth in the computer room, then inevitably stepped into the other room, where her master sat.

"Ah, Momo. Can you help me for a second?" said Kaguya as soon as he saw her, holding up two lengths of red kumihimo cord. "Which obi cord goes better with my eyeliner, the scarlet copper-coloured one or the spider lily-coloured one?"

Momoka wished a hole to hell opened under her feet. Against her will, her cheeks felt heated. How dare she let her thoughts progress in that direction? Her master, a stupendously pretty, doll-like kimono wearer, painstakingly tied up in hand-braided cords wound in intricate patterns; certainly, it would be effective wandering prevention, but there was no denying the shamefulness of it all. It would save her the trouble of dragging him along or chasing after him, but it would also distract her profoundly. She ended up standing in place, flushed, unable to say a word in front of her now confused master.

And then the [BEEEEEEP] went off and his "angry mode" turned on, and he found himself tangled up in cords like a cat caught in yarn.

Momoka felt nearly combusting.

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Basic Introduction

After much mental debate, Momoka dressed Kaguya in his usual Shinsengumi disguise for TouRabu fics, albeit with his wrists and ankles bound by pieces of cloth bearing the goofiest prints known to man. Should she get any more distracted, she would render his kimono in goofy prints as well. Tying up her master was putting more mental strain on her than needed, and she needed any measure available to keep her mind from sliding into unacceptable thoughts.

As the fic began with an OC profile, the agents found themselves in a theatre set-up with the chapter's events playing out on a large screen before them.

"Greetings. My name is Saibankannokami Takara Kishimoto. I will be your master is this goddamn citadel. If you won't obey my commands, i will be giving you an intimidating punishment! ......hehe~! Understood~? " the sage with a deep and husky voice says in welcome of the new swords.

Momoka, once again taking the form of Giant Konnosuke with blue facial markings, slammed her paw on her nose; an overpowering, unpleasant smell filled the theatre, a smell as nasty as the Sue's personality.

From a seat behind her came noises of struggling and slurred grumbling about improbable names and misuse of the -nokami title*. Her restraint method was working, she thought with much relief, writing down his complaints.

The introduction continued to play on the screen with the visual and audio quality of a Vídeo Brinquedo production. The Word World had much wicked amusement at the Sue's expense; Takara, with her black semi-short slashed hair with a side bun and thick eyebrows and sharp eyes that are like a very bloody sunrise, ended up rendered with a hairstyle like the barber's scissors exploded atop her head mid-styling and pupils a shade of glose that made Momoka wince in pain every time she looked at the audience's direction. She also dressed and applied makeup like the ugliest knockoff of Kashū Kiyomitsu known to man, wearing his primary black-and-red colour scheme but without either his sex appeal or endearing qualities.

Scratch and slash marks began appearing on the screen, as though invisible cats were clawing at it. It was likely the work of Takara's sharp eyes.

The madness did not stop there however; the fic assured she was one of the nicest people you'll meet and a true friend despite being a victim of many things, though…

She is very scary when she's angry. She destroys everything she sees. If she gets even more angrier, she might hurt people in front of her. She is not afraid of embarrassing people in public. But in the end of the day, she'll regret having to embarrass that person. She just doesn't have any control over her anger. Especially if she is not respected for any matter. It would be best to be carefulwith her after all, She tries her best not to show it all the time cause it scares herself as well.

Momoka was too busy being confused by the Sue's throwing and smashing beige furniture in a beige room in all her poorly animated glory while also roaring like a dinosaur stoned off its rear to notice Kaguya had gone strangely quiet behind her.

"Her starter is Kashū. Of course," Momoka nonchalantly commented at the sight of Takara holding the true form of said Okita sword, rendered red blade to hilt to scabbard with hands growing from it from being referred to as a red and handy sword. Normally she would have been annoyed by the disrespect of an attractive male canon, but the starter issue took priority this time; it was something she loved to lightheartedly complain about. "Everyone's starter is Kashū or Yamanbagiri. I'm so unbelievably glad Kaguya-sama picked Kasen. I have yet to meet anyone going for Hachisuka like me though."

Kaguya still didn't answer.

She is the granddaughter of the Daimyou Yuki Harutomo**. Her father is a skillful samurai named Kishimoto Ken***. Her mother is Yuki Haruna***.

The theatre shook and quaked from the fic's blatant disregard of history. Momoka clutched the arms of her seat tightly, trying to suppress the memories of her last time on a rollercoaster. It was then that she started to feel something was a tad off: normally, Kaguya would have started complaining about something by now, either the historical aberration or the fact personified Otegine's species was called human-anime-something rather than tsukumogami. Unfortunately, before she could act, the chapter was over, the theatre vanished, and she found herself free-falling through a grey void.

Momoka was one-hundred-percent sure she and her master were going to die, and so she closed her eyes and accepted her fate.

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Honmaru 1

Momoka felt herself landing on a hard surface with a thud, the impact greatly lessened by fur and the physique of a cute, round animal mascot. She only opened her eyes after making sure for the nth time she was still alive. Once she calmed down enough, she took in her surroundings: a garden around what appeared to be the Citadel, all tinged in various shades of beige. She barely had time to be glad she was alive, for a horrible realization struck her.

The Bag of Holding at her side was nowhere to be found, and so was Kaguya.

Her heart sank, she felt as though dying. She couldn't focus on the utmost priority of watching the fic, as her worst nightmare had become a reality.

Her master was lost in-fic. All because of her negligence.

The despair was too profound, she couldn't start crying. It felt as though the universe was falling apart around her; she had failed her duty and lost the one she was the closest to. Her life was over…

"Y' lookin' for this?"

… until an unknown voice from behind her paused her despair for a bit.

The stranger approaching her was a tall, muscular man of messy dark hair, angular features and an unruly t-shirt, trousers and jacket ensemble. "What's wrong? Is this yours?" the man continued, then dropped something on the ground in front of her.

It was the Bag of Holding.

Immediately, Momoka lost any and all semblance of restraint. "Kaguya-sama… I mean Hazama Kaguya, please tell me where he is," Momoka openly wept while all but clinging to the man's trousers begging, "He has black hair and wears Shinsengumi garb. Have you seen him anywhere? Please tell me…"

"Save talking for later. Y' got important stuff to do, don't you?" the man said, walking away from her towards the beige Citadel. "C'mon, let's go. Let's quickly end this once and for all."

"But…"

"You can call me Ishitani Kōga**** by the way."

Momoka gave up.

(to be continued)

* The use of -nokami in this way would be taken to mean 守, a post of governor of a province under the feudal system. The Sue is fancying herself a "god of justice", but in reality her title sounds more like "governor of Saibankan province", which makes no sense.

** This is an actual historical figure in the early Edo period; note that he died in 1614.

*** These two don't exist anywhere in history, don't bother looking them up.

**** 石谷 [any name-appropriate kanji combination providing this reading]