[MISSION] Of Fluffy Rodents and Culinary Arts (pt. 2)
- The Formless Narrator
- Nov 12, 2022
- 8 min read
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: zoophilia, romanticizing a serious health condition, domestic abuse, incest. The writer of this post does not endorse the contents and views put forth by the work of fiction being parodied in it.
recolor.me, which authorizes and encourages off-site hosting of content created using the site, was used to create an illustration.
The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.
The Fairy Godpartner waved her Aura Wand and light appeared around Kelly. Her dress began to glow as her ugly dress turned to a beautiful and clean blue dress with a French style design and a new wavy type hem.
"I was under mind control by that girl, who falls in love with a rat that can cook?" Émilie repeated Inasuke's words as she watched the madness ahead, the agents safely in her handbag. "And I thought today couldn't get any weirder."
In lieu of any description by the fic, Émilie Beauchamp appeared as a rather fetching French woman with soft curly blonde hair, green eyes and a heart-shaped face. The Word World however was less generous towards the Sue – due to lack of elaboration on what "French style design" exactly meant, her dress was rendered with tiny French flags printed all over the fabric. "That's no mere girl, that's a monster of mass destruction pretending to be a girl," Inasuke said. "Our job is to hunt down the likes of her and put a stop to them; if left to do as they please, they can do more horrific things than put people under mind control."
"Whatever," Urato groaned. "I just wanna get dis over quick, so I can get outta dis stupid disguise 'n not hafta hear his whinin' 'bout his favorite cute fluffballs."
A moment of awkward silence passed before Émilie said, "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"
"Oh, before I forget, I must give you this. This was your father's; he wanted you to keep it." She got out a medallion and showed it to her. Kelly was amazed that her father had it (and the formless narrator has no idea how it ended up in the possession of this "Fairy Godpartner" creature; perhaps she stole it). Kelly smiled as her Fairy Godpartner unhooked it and placed it around Kelly's neck. Kelly said, "Thank you. I'll treasure it always." Kelly's fairy godpartner smiled as she gave her a ticket of the Wings of Love Yacht near the Seine, hoping she needs to relax.
Prolonged exposure to diabetes-inducing fairytale clichés that had no business being in Ratatouille sent Inasuke for another round of complaining, irritating Urato and confusing Émilie some more. He only ceased when Urato yelled at him, "Oi, da Sue ran off! How longer are ye gunna sit dere whinin'?"
Indeed, the Sue was no longer within sight. This immediately caused Émilie to sputter, "Eh, where did she go? Should I follow her? What should I do?"
In response, Inasuke scanned the Words and produced the RA, shrunken along with the agents but still mostly functional. "She's heading for that idiotic ship on the Seine and gets too close to Alfredo Linguini along the way. We need to be quick; portal we go."
Before Émilie could answer, a portal engulfed all three.
Émilie felt like Alice in Wonderland; either the day was an overlong, hyperrealistic fever dream, or she was irreparably insane. Just as she thought she had a moment of reprieve when the three were safely on board the "Wings of Love" cruise, Inasuke started talking and threw her for another loop with all the information he revealed. "I live in a fictional universe?" she said. "And everything that blue-haired girl does is part of an evil scheme to destroy that universe?"
"Oi, willya just stop already? Yer scarin' da poor woman," Urato said. The moment of peace loitering about the undescribed cruise ship among Generic Passengers came to an end; the Sue's voice belted out yet another bout of unnecessary song lyrics – Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid specifically – before she even showed up, taking Émilie by shock again. At dis rate, she's gunna die before we get dis over with, Urato thought.
This was it! I found him, the man of my dreams. And it's a rat…
I want to die, Inasuke thought briefly.
[Alfredo Linguini and Colette Tatou. Canon, male human and female human respectively. OOC level: Turned into Sue's sycophants. Exorcism required. Seaweed-salt-crusted sweetbreads with cuttlefish tentacles, dog rose purée, geoduck egg, dried white fungus, anchovy licorice sauce, a fried egg on top and spam.]
What happened after Inasuke had to throw the overheating CAD overboard was too wild for all three to process. After Linguini and Colette were convinced the Sue has determination after she just unloaded her trajickz life story on them at first meeting like any decently behaved human being ("As if your 'determination' is anywhere near Colette's, and your loss anywhere near Linguini's!" Inasuke remarked), a storm approached out of the blue, sinking the ship and sending everyone on board into cold Seine water. Panic and chaos ensued – it was thanks to luck that Émilie managed to find a floating plank to crawl up on, cough furiously and internally swear up a storm amidst strong wind, heavy rain and terrified and screaming Generic Passengers. The situation was as dire as it could get, but a sole victim was not as concerned for his life as he should be – Inasuke.
"Even if the fic isn't about a human girl falling in love with a rat, it's still hugely stupid from the get-go," he said between coughing out water, while the Sue reenacted the Little Mermaid rescue scene on Rémy. "It's missing the point of the movie; Ratatouille isn't about relying on miracles and having an almighty magician to solve your problems. Why is it that Rémy has to struggle and fight and put up with all sorts of harsh realities to find his place in the culinary world, while the Sue has a dumb 'fairy godpartner' and a goddess to give her nice stuff and True Love on a silver platter? What is the Sue even doing in this movie if she doesn't understand its spirit?"
"For frick's sake, man," Urato said, then snatched Inasuke's RA to portal all three out of the scene just in time to avoid hearing the Sue sing a reprise of Part of Your World.
"And you said you mean no harm!" yelled a soaked and dripping Émilie as soon as the three found themselves on dry land again. Makeup ran down the woman's face, giving her a positively terrifying look. "Tell me what on earth you're dragging me into, otherwise you're rat paste!"
Once the pain from being conked by a matchbox-like object – Augustus the Gusteau's Mini-Microwave – subsided, Urato looked around and was soon amazed at the surroundings. They were inside – specifically in the La Ratatouille bistro, packed with Generic Diners but appearing just as ugly and low-poly as everywhere else. Amidst the dining crowd, Émilie and Inasuke carried on arguing, even as utter idiocy ensued – the Sue somehow infiltrated the kitchen and prepared a serving of ratatouille without anyone noticing her.
"I promise you, everything will be fine once our mission is over," Inasuke said to a still angry Émilie. "We really have no choice; it's either put up with the craziness for a while or be mind-controlled and enslaved by the Sue forever."
Right then, as if cursed, Émilie's body started moving on its own before she could protest. The fic reached a scene in which "Emily" appeared, and so poor Émilie found herself controlled by the narrative into greeting her Little sister through the kitchen window, then barging into the kitchen to hug the Sue. The only thing she retained control over was the ability to visibly grimace.
Urato just looked up at her as if saying tolja.
Émilie continued to be puppeted for a while later, leaving the restaurant with the Sue and having an inane exchange with her. She was only released from the fic's grip when the Sue's mother showed up as well as the Sue's bit-cousin Ellyn and his bit-girlfriend Charlotte. Once they were joined by Linguini, Colette and Rémy, the fic then took the agents and Émilie completely off-guard once again.
She told her mother that she refused to marry her cousin. Her mother was angry; she slapped Kelly on the face and screamed, "DO NOT REFUSE! YOU WILL MARRY ELLYN OR I WILL KILL YOU!"
"Stop this! Stop this nonsense right now! You don't have incest in a Disney/Pixar animated universe aimed at young children! First zoophilia, now this? And without even bothering to warn the readers about any of this! This is wrong!" Inasuke had had enough and cried angrily, effectively halting the fic and drawing everyone's attention to the rats in Émilie's handbag before the Sue could dramatically run away crying.
"Kelly the Sue, you are under arrest by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum for crimes against fanfiction and Ratatouille canon," Inasuke continued. "You are charged with having anime hair in a movie with realistic hair colours; introducing zoophilia into this continuum, namely by falling in love with a rat despite being human; not giving the fic a mature content warning despite multiple mature subject matters; introducing magic and fairies into Ratatouille universe; creating a narrative that's incompatible with the movie's worldbuilding or the morals it teaches; saying malnutrition makes you pretty; having a ludicrously wangsty background; turning Rémy OOC; brainwashing an innocent OC and forcing her to be your sister; and all in all being a rather irritating Mary Sue. Kelly's mother, you are charged with being a terribly written villain; introducing arranged marriage and incest into Ratatouille universe; and being an even worse Mary Sue than your daughter. You are both sentenced to death immediately."
The blue-haired Sue didn't seem particularly concerned for her life upon hearing her sentence. Instead, she just stared at Émilie, then at the rats in her bag, and then blurted, "B-but I love Little Rat!"
Those were her last words before an unamused Inasuke portalled her and her Villain Sue mother into a random active volcano.
Even as the Sue's reign of terror was over and Émilie Beauchamp was free from badfic influence, her life showed no signs of returning to normal soon. At the main entrance to the DoSAT, she could only stare agape at the human men that were once fluffy rodents fitting in her handbag. "You really are human," she could only utter.
"Yep, feels good ta not be a frickin' animal 'nymore," Urato replied, happily marvelling at the hands and fingers he regained.
"Now that you're here with us," Inasuke said to Émilie. "I want to know if you'd like to become a Protector of the Plot Continuum and protect fictional universes from nefarious forces and creatures like the one we just encountered."
The day had been quite a rollercoaster ride for her.
(fin)
A/N: Special thanks to Boarders who suggested wonderful ideas for Ratatouille minis – sentient rat traps (Lily Winterwood), mini-critics/mini-Anton Egos (Ekwy), misspelled rats (doctorlit). I was intrigued by Ekwy's most of all, but decided against it in favour of tradition, which generally discourages minis based on specific characters and/or humanoids. Lily's suggestion seems genuinely scary, while doc's would be too similar to the mini type I created for The Nutcracker. I finally decided on Gusteau's Mini-Microwave – matchbox-sized solid rectangle blocks with designs similar to Skinner's frozen food products seen in the film, but with mini names printed on the front.
Minis:
Augustus (adopted by Ls)
Rescued characters:
Émilie Beauchamp, formerly Emily, speaks native French, probably already knows English or can be taught (adopted by Ls)
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