[MISSION] Of Desserts and Dragon Sickness (pt. 2)
- The Formless Narrator
- Apr 19, 2022
- 11 min read
Updated: Jul 18, 2022
Urato runs off on his own to interesting results.
Warning for in-fic objectionable content: glorified violence and abuse, swearing (in a Smauging Strawberry Shortcake fic). The writer of this post does not endorse the contents and views put forth by the work of fiction being parodied in it. Additional warning for MCU spoilers.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe belongs to Marvel Studios.
The following text is a work of parody/satire that contains literary analysis.
Before the second part begins, the formless narrator shall take a moment to offer explanation about the canonical items known as Gold Sand Dollars. Despite their harmless shininess, they were the closest thing the Strawberry Shortcake universe had to an evil artifact; they exerted on certain minds an influence the Tоlkien-minded would call "dragon sickness", the Meiji-Taishō literature fan would call "the golden demon", and the average person would call "greed". These sea coins seduced the mermaid AU selves of Blueberry Muffin and Rainbow Sherbet into finding more of them and hoarding them for themselves until the girls turned on each other and got themselves in danger. The moral of the episode was learnt when those coins were cast away into an abyss.
Even in mini form, the Gold Sand Dollars could still ensnare people with their shiny attractiveness – which was sadly what happened to Urato. Quite ironic for being named after a character in a cautionary tale of the golden demon, he could no longer focus on the mission in favour of all the real gold in his pocket, and the addition of Peppermint pov) into that stash did not help the case. Oh, the amount of energy drinks he would be able to afford! The protein powders! The work-out gear! That coupled with the fic's boringness and an unfamiliarity with the canon lead him to run off on his own in search of more of those coins.
Then something happened.
The fic snapped into a Flashback), the sheer force of which knocked him to the beige grass. He had just collected all the dropped minis and crawled back to his feet when he spotted cinnamon trying to cook something in the forest. What concoction he was trying to brew kept blowing up, drenching the boy in root beer. His experiments were interrupted by the appearance of one black strawberry, who went on to annoy him.
"Im, not a kid and please im 13 dudes!" she said putting a hand on her hip
Urato was flabbergasted. The Sue instantly multiplied into thirteen male copies of herself before he could run out of the way. Thus, one of the clones landed too close to him and bumped into him. "hey" the clone said, and in an instant all thirteen turned around to stare at him.
Urato looked at the army of Sue-clones, then at cinnamon behind them.
Then he looked back at the clones.
Then the clones started grinning like a slasher movie villain, in the exact same way, at the exact same time.
"C'mon, ya brats think ya gonna land a finger on me? Bring it on!" Urato cried and punched one of the clones – which would have worked if he weren't disguised as a little boy. As it was, all he achieved was painful knuckles and a totally unfazed Sue-clone.
Urato began contemplating adjusting to the afterlife. The thirteen Sue-clones all launched themselves on him Naruto-style, thus ensued drawn-out chaos of various banging, squawking and tooting noises. After a moment, Urato crawled out of it with tears on his clothes and bruises on his skin, but the Sue-clones weren't done with him. They were about to pound him up further…
… if not for cinnamon, who jumped in between them and Urato. The boy quietly looked back and gestured at him to run.
Urato didn't know what else to do, so he got up and tried to run on shaky feet. Behind him, the scene carried on as in the fic, with the thirteen male copies of black strawberry turned back into one annoying girl again. The flashback then ended, and the two OCs vanished on the spot.
All while this fiasco happened to Urato, his partner was not any more fortunate.
Inasuke was not amused. First from the non-stop defilement of Strawberry Shortcake canon since the beginning, second from the discovery that black licorice and sour kiss summer were incredibly annoying, third from the sight of cinnamon melting into a moving puddle of golden honey wine from the story's stating he mead his way to Raspberry Torte, and fourth from his partner's going missing. Exposure to badfic was bad enough, losing one's partner in a badfic was even worse. Almost fuming out his ears, Inasuke stormed off in search of that bastard, having to miss a chunk of bad writing.
He too was knocked to the ground from the force of an incoming flashback. After flashback mode wrapped up, he caught sight of a familiar someone with spiky red hair and green eyes, albeit looking bruised and battered. "Inatchi! Man, I thought I'd never see ya again," that someone called as he ran towards him. "Do ya know? I just…"
Rather than an answer, Inasuke just gave one side of his face a hearty slap.
"Are you stupid? What on earth are you trying to do?" Inasuke nearly roared at his partner's face. "Deserting your duty to run off while a dangerous Mary Sue is on the loose! Are you trying to die or something?"
"Oi, oi, calm down, willya? I just went tah gather up dem coins, see?" Urato said, showing his partner the minis he had gathered. "If I ain't gonna do any actual missionin' anyway cuz I dunno this canon, then ya could at least lemme rake in some income. Lookit all these gold coins! We can buy a ton o' stuff…"
Inasuke slapped him louder than the first time.
"These are minis, not actual currency. Gold or no, you can't exchange them for anything. Besides, didn't I tell you to be careful with them? Didn't I tell you they caused two characters in the show to almost become slaves?"
Amidst his tirade, two people approached – one canon character and one OC. Raspberry Torte and green apple Cinnamon.
"You! What did you do to him?" Inasuke yelled, then lunged at cinnamon and grabbed him by his shirt. "We are Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and you, green apple Cinnamon, are convicted of cruelty to the English language; having detachable flying buttocks ("Detachable flying what?" Urato cried) and turning into liquid; ship-teasing yourself with Raspberry Torte; aiding and abetting black strawberry the Mary Sue; and finally harming a PPC agent! I'll not forgive you for this, you…"
"Will you please calm down?" said the green-haired male OC much more coherently than before, and yanked Inasuke's hands off his shirt. "One, my name is really Avocado Mousse. Two, it's not me who hit him. Three, do you think I want to be friends with that crazy girl and let her change my name for no reason? Do you think I want to be constantly watchful less that insane knife-tosser hit me for breathing wrong? Do you think I want to be around those two insufferable sidekicks of hers? Why do you think I hang out with Raspberry then?"
Inasuke and Urato didn't know how to respond. This was a story they had heard before.
"I… I don't know what to do anymore," Avocado continued, staring at the ground. "I don't know why they had to choose me. I've long ago decided this is my fate, that I have to have them in my life forever, but now they're trying to inflict that fate on everyone else in Strawberryland. I'm… I'm useless. I can't do a thing to stop black strawberry and her friends. Strawberryland is doomed, and there's nothing I can do about it."
He was about to break down in sobs when Urato said, unaware of the exasperated look his partner was giving him, "C'mon, relax. No need tah worry when we're here. Y'know what we do? We teach those kinda jerks a lesson for a livin'! We're gonna find 'em n' we're gonna…"
"Oh no, they're coming! Run!" Avocado interrupted.
"Huh?"
"Just… just run!" Avocado said before shoving the agents into a nearby bush.
Indeed, Avocado and Raspberry then discovered black strawberry, black licorice and summer jumping off a tree. The badfic took control of Avocado again, even as he visibly grimaced. Watching the ensuing exchange from the bush was painful for both agents; Urato cringed at summer's blime leggings, while Inasuke gnashed his teeth at the head Sue's brazenness.
" how could you leave me with "HIM?" "Black strawberry said pointing to licorice " Hey!" " And then run off with "HER"?" Black strawberry said pointing to Raspberry " HEY!" " dude …really?!" licorice said " I think cinnamon like raspberry!" summer said, Black strawberry glared at cinnamon as he backed up in fright holding his hands up " w-w-wait a minute black strawberry we were just talking is all and uh your name just got in it and all. But I promise that it wasn't anything bad "Cinnamon said scared now knowing that black strawberry could kill him or raspberry
"Introducing yandere romantic rival plots into this continuum," Inasuke gritted between clenched teeth. "These troglodytes are out of Strawberryland, and fast."
Peppermint fizz's Deal
Raspberry was neuralyzed and portalled away, but the agents stuck around for more badness. Inasuke had just slapped Urato's hand when he tried to reach into his pocket for hackberry the mini when the chapter began, in an undescribed environment of endless beige where Avocado and black licorice conversed. Even as the former was aware of the agents' watchful eyes on him, he still had to recite his fic-assigned dialogue. Watching the OC's pained expression made Inasuke die a little inside.
"let me guess the day with the girls was a code red " "not really. We did a lot of stuff together that you wouldn't believe "licorice said with a smirk "I don't think I want to know "
You're in a children-targeted cartoon, you disgusting piece of filth! Inasuke screamed inwardly, stomping "licorice the mini-Stu into a mass of plarnder glitter.
The ludicrously short scene ended, sending the agents headlong into black strawberry home. While black strawberry and summer chatted, the two were taken by surprise by Avocado appearing and saying, "Did you miss me?" from behind them.
"Sorry I made you wait," he continued, then motioned at the two girls before them. "You know, I can't decide which one is the worse person. Don't be fooled; black strawberry is bad, but it's summer who taught her to be like that. They've been friends since before they met me, and summer with her be too tough when things got hard and not to give a fuck what anybody says philosophy made black strawberry the way she is now. Which is worse, someone who gets angry all the time and punches you for no reason, or a seemingly cheery, bubbly one who's really just as deranged? They're both bad, honestly."
"Dang, dat's terrible," Urato said.
"Yep, it's high time we arrest these scums," Inasuke said. "but black licorice isn't here. We need to have them all in one place. What should we do…"
After a moment of looking up at the Words, he produced the RA. "We're going right to the fifth chapter."
peppermint's lies
The agents and the OC landed in the fifth chapter; they luckily missed licorice's acting supremely creepy, but couldn't avoid acquiring blue berry and blueberries house. The three found themselves watching a premise ripped off from episode 10A – The Play's the Thing – except black strawberry played Cinderella, black licorice played the prince ("Oh, so now you're going to usurp canon characters too," Inasuke muttered), Raspberry and Peppermint played the evil stepsisters and Ginger Snap played the evil stepmother. In a greater and more infuriating deviation from canon, black strawberry took her personal issues out on Raspberry and Peppermint, beating them up and ruining the play without Angel Cake calling her out on it. It didn't get farther than when summer laugh like a mad woman at the abhorrent behaviour when a deeply enraged boy and his two companions crashed the play. "Stop right there, you horrible bunch!" the enraged boy cried to the surprise of everyone in the room, canons and non-canons alike.
" what are you?" black strawberry spat like the utter jerk she was. "what do you want?"
"We of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum are here to punish you for your crimes against the art of fan-work creation and Strawberry Shortcake canon," Inasuke answered while Avocado helped Raspberry and Peppermint to their feet. "black strawberry rock, we convict you of being ten times more jerkish than pre-season 4 Peppermint Fizz, and even she has the decency to feel remorse for her actions; in fact, being straight-up violent and borderline murderous, namely by trying to throw a knife at Raspberry – heck, actual villains in the show are way nicer than you;" at this, all canons present gasped. "having a Sue house; and introducing needless and stupid darkness into a fluffy kids' show. black licorice and sour kiss summer, you are convicted of stealing the name of a canon character, namely Licorice Whip; copying the design of another canon character, namely Lime Light; being overly annoying, including but not limited to inappropriate jokes and psychopathic behaviour; and aiding and abetting a Mary Sue. All three of you are collectively guilty of terrible English; bullying an innocent OC and making him perform physical impossibilities; bewitching most canon characters into liking you; creating the colours plarnder and blime; creating minis and causing greed in a PPC agent because of said minis; introducing yandere romantic rival plots into a lighthearted children's cartoon; not belonging in the world of Strawberry Shortcake in terms of both aesthetics and characterization; and finally being deplorable characters in general."
"I know they're not nice people," Peppermint chimed in. "That's why I'm trying to get them to leave!"
The Sues looked frantically around the room, but this time, there was no sign of support – the Suefluence had worn off. " cinnamon, how dar you!" black strawberry howled. "you betrayed us!1"
"I'm sorry, I don't know who this 'cinnamon' person is," Avocado replied. "And I see it as less betrayal and more exposing you for the monsters you are."
"So, do I get tah whoop 'em up now? Can't wait tah get outta dis sugary nightmare already!" Urato said to his partner.
"Wait, we can't assassinate them here," Inasuke said. "Killing anyone here will ruin the continuum more than they already do. We need to transport them to another continuum more appropriate to kill them in. If only I knew…"
"Oh, I know just tah right place," Urato said, then whispered something into his ear.
The angered Sues roared like berserkers and hopped off the stage, clearly intending to beat up the agents, but Inasuke opened a portal in front of them before they could touch a strand of his or Urato's hair. They then found themselves in a setting they belonged even less – Avengers: Endgame, right at the end of the final battle. However, there was nothing to fear; the Infinity Gauntlet snap done by Iron Man left no bad guy intact. Thanos, his forces and the Sues all vanished, remembered and mourned by no one.
"Now that everything is over and done, and you're free," Inasuke said to Avocado, "would you like to join us and become a protector of fictional universes?"
Against his expectation, Avocado shook his head.
"As much as you've been a great help, I don't want to leave Strawberryland. It's my home. Now that that monster is gone, I can be friends with Strawberry Shortcake, Ginger Snap and everyone else like I've always wanted. That's all I need."
Inasuke was slightly disheartened, but there was nothing else to do. Thus, all canons and one OC were neuralyzed, the agents left, and the badfic influence upon canon was no more.
Avocado Mousse, you've never been friends with three abhorrent people and you've never met us. From now on, enjoy your new life in Strawberryland as a good non-canon character.
The mission was a success, but all was not well. The agents returned to HQ, but Urato didn't see Inasuke anywhere in their RC. Instead, he saw another arch-enemy of his plopped ungracefully into the mess in his room, dark eyes staring up at him from under mascaraed eyelashes.
"Heh, Guyatchi. We meet again."
(fin)
A/N: As much as I'd like to recruit Avocado Mousse, the nature of his home continuum plus the fact he may be too young lead me to decide against the idea. I do wonder if there can be any recruit from Strawberry Shortcake at all, but the final verdict is, as always, up to the comm.
black strawberry is charged with borderline murderous tendencies in the mission, but the last chapters of the badfic reveal she's actually murderous – she killed her mother when she was four, and uses that as an excuse to wangst her way through the fic and justify her nasty behaviour (oh, Peppermint is clearly wrong and bad and selfish for trying to kick this absolu-u-utely unlikable garbage fire and her cohorts out of Strawberryland). Her character also progresses rather ridiculously, as does the romance plot, and she and black licorice become a couple after many rounds of acting incredibly inappropriate for the continuum. However, letting the agents slog through all 15 chapters of bad English and cringy romance would be too much work for writer and readers alike, so I let the mission cover only four chapters, let Avocado provide exposition on more of the Sues' behaviour and past, and call it a day. I'm tempted to crown this fic the next Takara if not for the bad English and funny misspellings.
Minis (all up for adoption):
strawberry land
gingersnap
Orange blossom pov)
orange blossoms
rainbow sherbert
strawberries house
Peppermint pov)
hackberry
blue berry
blueberries house
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